Here's a story of a girl, who grew up lost and lonely.

Soft and gentle. These are the things I wish of myself, that I could be someone who was not scared, someone who was innocent, that saw beyond problems and could just be. Trying to stop it from happening again, that's what I was telling myself when really I just wanted to stop it from happening in the first place. Moving on is something I have trouble doing, I want everything to work and if they don't I walk away, but I am not doing that anymore. I'm staying and I'm fighting and this is all new to me but I think it's worth it.

Already gone.

How long do waiting periods last? When do we decide to give up and when do we decide to fight? I guess the biggest thing is when you are alone, do you miss them? Do you wish you could call them and just hear their voice? But it's not fair to them if you can't make a decision. It's not fair for you to go back on what you wanted. The best idea is never to enter into it in the first place, even if you really want to, because it's not about what you want, it's about what you both want together. It's already two days in, five more to go and I'm already wishing I could talk to him again, to be around him again, but I need to give myself time, to make sure I don't do something I regret.

I watch too many soppy movies, I didn't expect this to be easy, I didn't expect much of this, I thought I was heading into something that would be simple, that I would just know. I don't know a thing. Last time all it took was some liquid courage for me to realise what I wanted. That didn't work this time, I still don't know and I don't think it's fair for him to have to put up with this, but then again, why hasn't he stood up and said enough? I'm not good at any of this, I'm not sure what protocol I should follow. I have people telling me their opinions and it's like when you play heads or tails, the result of the toss isn't important, when you realise you want the other way, that's what really matters.

It isn't a simple yes or no. You accept consequences with your choice. I just don't know if I am ready to accept mine.

Using your headphones to drown out your mind.

I think the telling thing within a relationship is whether either one is willing to fight for it, whether either one acknowledges the fact that it's going to be hard and that the scene in The Notebook actually applies to all couples, not just the ones with such a story line it makes grown men cry and create the phrase "I Notebooked him."

At what stage do we agree there is an end? When do we stop trying to find a way through the impass? Regret is possible the worst emotion you could feel, old and frail, riddled with arthritis and in a rocking chair thinking, "I should have tried harded, now it's a memory I can't forget." When do you know which choice was the right one? And when does it stop hurting? I could say I don't care and I could say it meant nothing, but that wouldn't be true in the slightest.

Just because it's over doesn't mean we forget.

White Horse.

We all make some stupid decisions under the influence. If no one thinks a relationship is going to work, others could be right, they make decisions free from emotions. I hope that one day things will go back and we can try again, but for now I'm sticking with my decision. We both deserve to be happy and maybe that will come from being apart, you find someone on your level and I will on mine, that doesn't mean it isn't hurting, it doesn't mean I don't care but things go wrong for a reason and this was it. Once again my puppy gets me all to herself.

Turning Tables.

Let this be a lesson. Your first instinct is usually the right one. Don't think it will all be okay, don't be naive. Saying that people just act like that when they are tired is a cop out. People act like they are. So yes, I was stupid and weak but just think about yourself at the end of this. Is this who you want to be? Because I don't want to be like this. I want to feel good, not worried and tense because I don't know how much control I have over a situation. I am at fault too, no question, but I did it for the right reasons, I don't think you ever did. There are no maybes in this story. There's a difference. He was different. Now I'm different too.

Make them like you instead.

When we know something is wrong we tell someone, like when you break glass in the kitchen, or the dog got stuck under the table again. I believe the problems shouldn't have been there in the beginning. The glass should have been cared for and the dog should have been trained. I believe that you can be perfect, you can get a score of 25 out of 25, that 23.5 isn't good enough, that you should do better. I believe that we need to be perfect, we shouldn't enter into things we know are going to end and that we shouldn't expect to be okay after a big night's drinking. I broke my own rules, now who's do I live by?

In your head.

If I could make sense of this, don't you think I would? Don't you think there would be nothing left to talk about? I know it's still a part of me. It lurks far enough away that you know the outline, you know what comes next, you know just what to say, to stop it happening, you know where to go and what to do, you know what is right. But what if that isn't what matters anymore? What if it just doesn't cut it? No amount of fluffy toys and pictures can make it okay. All you can do is recognise the shadow, and wait.