When I was younger I saw my Daddy cry and curse at the wind.

Coming to terms with the mortality of your idol is hard. It hurts to imagine the person you hold so much faith in becoming tarnished by life, slowly losing their independence. Coming to terms with the fact that they can be broken, they can be overcome and they can be knocked down is like the end of being a child, growing up and realising that even the mighty will one day fall. My father is my role model, he is everything that I want to be, he is the greatest man I have and will ever know. When girls say they are best friends with a parent it is usually their mother. My mother and I are very close but we have different personalities. My father and I are quite similar, I tell him everything, he almost always returns that trust but lately he's been quieter than normal which means near silence. Though we don't often have outright conversations with lavish linguistics, we tend to know what the other is thinking. I don't know whether the change is because I am getting older or whether things are worse than I imagined. I guess I'm just very worried about the stable person in my life and I want all these tests to come back with good results. I'm still my Daddy's little girl and I don't want anything bad to happen.

Let's face it, this was never what you wanted.

I've been in a lot of pain recently, so today, being forced by my family, I went and got some help. Help sucks, it hurts like hell, why would anyone want to get help if all consists of is more pain? I taught myself the deal with most physical pains, it makes you a stronger person, mental pain is much worse in my opinion, more destructive and corrosive than any broken bone. I've been so exhausted recently, I guess I'm always tired but I need so much more energy than I have. I love my job, I love my friends and I love playing music. I don't want to have to choose but I know which one goes if push comes to shove.

Down where the city meets the sea.

How long does it take for a heart to break? In my experience, its about a tenth of a second. The amount of time it takes to rebuild? It can take a lifetime. You hear about the women who lost their newly wedded husbands in the war, the ones who never moved house, never changed their rooms and never found another person to go through life with, they never truly heal. 

I don't know whether morals are different in these days or whether we are simply more connected to the world around us, whether we are able to contact others with similar experiences and be able to move on together or we just don't understand the partnership or immense feelings of love. 

I believe it is a bit of both, that we are able to connect and progress with another and that we don't see love as a once in a lifetime thing like they did back then, we imagine it as a kind of let's see how far we can take this sort of thing. I don't know which one is proper because time has moved on, what I hope is that even though we live in a different era the intensity, the meaning, is still the same.

Is this the way our story ends?

In the past month I've been making changes. I have been swimming more than I have in the past three years combined, spent more time listening to my angst-ridden teenage music and ultimately been happier. Unfortunately with more changes there comes more anxiety, the nervous wreck has returned but luckily I have a new gaming buddy so it isn't as bad as it could be. The good thing about getting so wound up is that I can devote all my time to shooting aliens that are clearly aliens, not hidden as friends like out in the real world. Why the world makes it so hard to pick foe from friend boggles me but I guess every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. I hope that soon the dark cloud goes away, if it doesn't then maybe I will take a step back but if I want to be me again, this is what I need to do. Because someone forgot an important day, I guess that means I'm free, that was all I needed to know.

 

All you wanted to do was dance.

I hate it when I hear about the two of them are the perfect couple and that they are happy. It's great for them, I know what it's like to find the right person. I don't know how to say this but hearing that she is like me, but a better version to suit him, I don't know how I feel about that, whether I'm happy or really hurt. I guess it's a bit of both. At least I have finally come to admit that I don't need him, despite what my mind is telling me, I think it helps when you find the one you've wanted to be with since you were a kid. There is no way that it would work but I think sometimes all you need to do is remember a person who also used to give you the butterflies, just without the feeling of being completely massacred in your heart by the end. Making a commitment to no more musicians is called for I believe because I can't give up on the redhead part.

Like a heart beat drives you mad.

My mind likes to play these lovely little tricks on me. It likes to give me flashbacks of times I would give anything to forget. I'm not as strong as I like to believe, I crumble when faced with the silliest things. I guess feelings never really go away, no matter how deeply in your psyche you try to bury them. The worst part is knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. There are things you simply cannot erase, things that will stay with you forever. Changing the way you look, the way you act, the way you speak, does nothing to wipe the slate clean, its just reminds you of who you were, who you should be. I once believed that you could wake up one morning and feel better, just like that. Luckily some people broke my ideals of innocence.

Even when the music's gone.

I don't know how I got to this place. I don't know how this happened. Why did he become such a big part of me? The thing that gets me is that if she and I were in a room together, he would pick her, hands down. I can't keep telling myself that I can move on while still loving him. I need to get a grip, I can't keep getting butterflies when I get messages from him and then get angry at myself for it. A friend told me if I thought things were going to be different, if I didn't think that the same problems would keep coming up, if I believed that love was enough, that I should give in and go after him.
I know what happens down that road, I know exactly who would come out on top. I'd end up hating myself and ending up where I did three years ago, with no voice, no freedom, just art class, routine and nothingness, if I was lucky. The sadness isn't going away, I can't make it go away, normally I would say I miss the old me. I don't know who that person is, I don't know whether that was another thing I was trying to convince myself of, being a strong and loving person.
I guess this isn't about him at all. I guess that this is about the fact that there is nothing to me but this empty, burned down house that used to be my most sacred cathedral. I don't have anything inside anymore, I don't know how to come back from this, I don't even know if I want to. I'm so tired of trying to stay afloat, trying to show everyone how much better I'm doing because I'm not doing any better at all.

Here I go, I'll tell you what you already know.

I'm sitting here infuriated with myself. I don't know what I want. I guess you made the choice for me. I just need to shut my eyes and forget but all I see is you. I need to believe there is someone out there who loves me like you love her, I need to believe in something. I thought I saw a day where we could try again, where things worked. I guess it was just a glimpse in the rear view mirror. Remember the night that I called you clingy? You drove that car so fast I thought we were both going to die. I suppose I should remember you like that instead of the boy who I loved with all my heart, maybe that will make this easier. So I'm making the decision to stop this blog altogether. It use to be mine but I think it's turned out to be ours and given there is no us, it just hurts too much and keeps ripping out the stitches so I can't forget.

I'll never be your chosen one.

I thought that you would protect me from this. All I ever wanted was for you to protect me even if it was just from myself. I used to think that you made some stupid decisions but you were going to do the right thing in the end. Unfortunately it seems I am more wrong than right these days. It hurts because after you spend some time with Simba, you don't care about me anymore so think about that before you contact me again.