Secret treasures left to find.

I was cleaning my room today and I found all different things, you know the clothes you lost years ago, that pair of earrings that you accused your family of taking. And then I found some memories, ones that I tried to forget. A box of moments collected together, the only common factor being me. There were pictures of all the places I've been, the people I knew and the things we did, cards, decorated shirts, pencil cases we graffitied. I forgot about some of the friends I had, which sounds terrible, but I told myself not to remember. Somethings are better left alone.

I always keep photographs around, pictures of my dogs, my family so it can help me remember when I felt better, when life was all sitting at Grandma's table, drinking from our special tea cups and having cucumber sandwiches. But now I understand why my aunt forgets names and what was wrong with my Grandpa. It isn't pretty but you cant have happiness without knowing the feelings of sadness, regret and pain. It's like a scale, but you can never get a perfect match setting.

I was cleaning my room today and I found all different things, but most of all I found all different parts of me.

I want to change the world, instead I sleep

There are some days I wish I could just go to sleep, stop fighting the tides, even just for a minute, but I know if I stop, I wont wake up. I can never give up, because if I do there is nothing left. I let myself go once, I just stopped fighting, but not only did the hurting stop, everything else stopped too. Must I try to compete, compose, correct and conquer everything? There is no turning back to simpler times, a grown up cannot play in a nursery. But maybe if I just close my eyes.

I woke up, but nothing is the same, no one talks to me, speaks to me, acknowledges me. They pass through me, not a flinch. I pick myself up and move along. Being treated like a ghost when you aren't one is exceedingly terrible. All I can do is pretend, just like them. I changed my hair, blonde and long, I ate less and withered away, I quietend, no one was interested anyway, but one thing did not change. There was still pain, even though they began to see me.They saw me as nothing more than a number, a member of the elite, with no power, no say and no feeling. I believe the term is you dont know what you've got till its gone. So what if they hated me. At least they knew I had something to feel, not just an empty shell, maybe they were so angered by monotony that I was to be cackled at because of their feelings of unease.

Times change and people grow, but how to fit in you never know, keep your eyes closed, don't let them see, how much they hurt darling, you and me.

The Journey

This is no thrilling story about how I overcame boundaries. Thus so far there are no happy endings.  In the words of Carl Gustav Jung, even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness.

I tried my hardest not to let it get in my way, but somehow it always does. Normal relationships are hard to achieve, it takes months and months of awkwardness, aggression sometimes only on my part, and inexplicable amounts of trust for me to be near anyone for a long period of time. It’s easier to just be a bitch and move on, to not become attached. I try to not let it get to me, I really do, but I can’t just let it go.

I saw him about two months ago, I saw the back of him, but I could tell who it was, and I can tell you I would never want to see his actual face again. I will not see his face again. I had spent a year of saying if I saw him again I would make him hurt, just like he hurt me, but I was petrified. I had spent a week surrounded by strangers, completely fine, people pushing up against me and I just took it, but after seeing him, I could see a single person and the only solace I had, was my dog.

I cant explain what he did. It would mean nothing to anybody else. But to me, it ruined everything. I didn’t understand attraction, to be honest I still don’t. My first experience with a boy was negative, and so far it hasn’t changed since. I’m afraid I guess that someone will do the same thing again. I say I would never let another boy hurt me, but they will and I need to do something about it.

I met a new boy, he wasn’t charming, he wasn’t handsome in the conventional sense, he wasn’t what I expected, but he made me want to change. He made me want to trust people again, to want to have someone hug me, to make me stop jumping when someone stands behind me. I trusted him and it didn’t work out. It hurt, but I was okay.

I’m not going to be one of those people who stand up and bravely proclaim that I am no longer afraid. I will always be afraid, I will always be searching for a reason behind it and I will always be haunted. But it will not control me. I will fight for myself. He has my fear but not my fate.

The boy who I named my blog after.

We like all the same things. Movies, music, friends, topics. One thing we don't share, is that I like him, and he doesn't like me.

Functional relationships have never really been easy for me. I mean, I had an awesome childhood, but being in an all-girls school, the only person with a Y-chromosone in my house hold was my father, no male cousins and no male friends. Then when I finally met a guy, he broke me. So from then on, it was hard for me to trust guys. But I was trying.

I knew him for a year before I realised I liked him. Made him cupcakes on his birthday like I did for everyone, but that was before I knew him, really knew who he was apart from a name. He sat in the group, everyone underneath this tree and I didn't notice him. When we came back to school after the holidays, that's when I noticed.

He was the guy who I always wanted. He was tall, big shoulders, he wasn't afraid to fight with me, and I was comfortable around him. Of course there was the problem of one of his best mates hated any girls who came near his "best buds". Basically they were a threesome of a non-sexual kind but these guys were inseperable. It took months, and finally he came around, we would help each other in class. Well not really help each other, he helped me. And all the while my guy was dropping hints.

He played the guitar, I screeched more than sang, but all the while, I was hopeful that maybe there was something beneath the statement, "We should do some recording together." Looking back on that it sounds kind of seedy, but this guy, he was just as nervous around girls as I was around guys. Of course I made some mistakes, I probably "play-punched" him too much, and part of that was repressed anger, but I liked him so much and I didn't know what to do.

One thing that made me sure I liked him, and I'm pretty sure it goes for all girls, is when I watched Star Wars for him. I actually kind of liked it, but I'd still go with Supernatural any day. We would talk about where I was in the movies, spent hours trying to descipher whether Movie 1 was actually Movie 4, but as soon as we figured out where I was, he could explain everything, minute by minute. He said that maybe we should watch them together one day. I thought it was a good sign, maybe not.

There was something about this boy, I mean, he gave me butterflies, but he didn't realise that half the school liked him. He knew his way around computers, watched nerdy japanese cartoons like me and played the same video games as me. Maybe we were too similar.

I was finally gaining confidence around boys, I was okay with them sitting behind me, or standing when I was sitting down and I was generally fine around them. He was the reason for that. For that I thank him.

His best mate told me not to tell him. He knew what would happen. But I did anyway, that's when things turned to shit. He treated me like a child. I hate to feel like I have no control, I hate to be so helpless, but I thought he liked me back, he was dropping hints and apparently that was just him being friendly. I always wondered if his friends ever told him things about me that I wished I could have told him myself. I guess there are just a lot of maybes in this and MAYBE one day, he might tell me what I did wrong. Maybe