Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying.

I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and change how things ended. It's stupid and silly and I can't believe I'm writing this, after all the crap we went through but I still miss him sometimes, like when I see a Rubik's cube or when someone mentions a viola. I thought that after the smoke cleared and everything was quiet I would feel at peace, I thought that I would be able to let go. I could never be friends, never see him again because I know what would happen, either I would end up crying or I would make sure he was. There are a million things that I would love to have cleared up but I can't risk it, I can't risk letting him back in. He's happy with the new girl and he has every right to be. I'm going to be happy one day, I don't think it will be because of a boy though.

There's a place on Ocean Avenue

So now I'm working, I only really have a couple of friends. I'm working insane hours and finding the time is not easy. It's New Years soon and I'm meeting up with a few friends, and the next day too, I just don't feel like I really know anyone anymore. It was great when studying and school forced you into social situations, it made things easier. The upside of being treated like an adult is the ability to go out and drink and make new friends. Works really well.

The day is over and still so heavy on the mind.

It's strange when the person you believed in is a memory, they aren't real anymore, they've disappeared. I had another great night last night, I met some great people who helped remind me that there is more to life than the wait. There is more than hoping, more than yearning. I'm young, I still have a story left, I get to choose my fate. I've spent my life being under someone's control, whether they are someone I loved or loathed, they chose where I went and what I did. I can change my story, I can make paths to wherever I want to, I can be in love with who ever I want and I don't have to choose for it all to end. All it takes is a moment, all it takes is a decision to let go.

If I could find you now things would get better.

She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. -The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

It's hard to explain this type of a feeling to someone who has never experienced it. I think it's going to be a little while for it to go away this time, healing hurts. I may still be hurting for now, one day I will look back and think this time was  completely irrational. When I talk to other people about it, I realise there is no reason to be this torn up, its completely without cause but if it's just me, it's hard to leave something behind. I'm really looking forward to this new chapter coming, and I really like him but it will be different, whether that's a good thing or not we will see. The new boy says I deserve to be treated well, that I shouldn't doubt whether the person I'm with only has eyes for me, after all I have found out that really wasn't the case. I think I will always be a bit suspicious now, I just have to remember it's not going to happen with every partner I have. He's a great guy and he treats me well but we only except the love we think we deserve, this is far too much.

Good times roll.

Organising a first date is one of life's tricky times. It's a nervous time which you double guess yourself. Even more pressure is put on if you're first date is on New Year's Eve. At least it gives me some time to prepare but still, when you really like someone, you get worried about the tiny things. At least there is some time to prepare.

Time can hurt and time can heal but it wont ever change the way I feel.

Rehearsal? More like girl.

Here's to you.

You lied to me. I was prepared to be your friend today. You lied to me, you lied to her, you ruined EVERYTHING. I don't trust you, you screwed everyone over. You have a girlfriend, apparently that means nothing to you, meant nothing when we were together either so get over yourself, learn what a relationship means and keep it in your pants.

I just want back in your head.

I wanted to prove that I could talk to you and still be okay. Instead I started crying and couldn't stop. I read what you sent me, texts, messages and you sure know how to make someone feel worthless and still love you at the same time. No matter who I met last night, no matter how they made me feel, I always let you back in, if even for a moment. Since we broke up, I have bought 6 dresses and 4 skirts, I wear them all the time and I think its because of you.

Towards the sun.

Last night was pretty amazing. I met someone, we talked in a nightclub for two hours which is a pretty epic feat. It was going so well until I had to rescue a few girls and I lost him. It's like when you see this huge opportunity wasted. Good part is life has a way of sorting stuff out. Who knows where this will go, at least I'm not moving backwards anymore.

I'm just looking for a good night.

GOING OUT TONIGHT TO FORGET ALL ABOUT YOU.

Between the dust and the debris.

I'm not good enough, I make these terrible mistakes, I hurt people and I ruin things. I'm so scared of what is coming, what I'm responsible for. I am scared that one day the people who believed in me will wake up and think that they wasted their time. I'm terrified that I will let people down. I am completely paralyzed by the fear that this might be all there is left for me. One day at a time is what I told myself, one day is too much, I can't cope with what is going on. I'm so tired but I can't sleep, all that is going around in my head are the problems I have created, the people I have hurt, the mistakes I have made. I never expected to get to eighteen. I never thought I would have to deal with this responsibility. I'm not ready.

There's no need to rush, we're all just waiting to die.

Today was one of the worst days in the last little while. I did a few stupid things and I am paying for them dearly. I feel like everything is collapsing. There is so much to do, so much to say sorry for, so much to fix from today. I thought that I was ready, I thought that everything would be fine, nothing is fine. Judgement has never been my strong suit, I've always been unsure of myself and today proves I have reasons for my doubt. I am exhausted and I really needed him today.

But I cannot move the mountains for you.

I want there to be an intermediate level, a level where we can be friends and I don't feel the light leaving my eyes, a level where I don't feel terrible for thinking of you. I saw one of your friends last night and I waved. I stupidly waved, thinking that's someone I know, best be friendly. Then I started thinking about you and all the girls in the food court looked like her. I get home and on to Facebook and one of your friends is engaged to her. 
I want to be your friend. I want for this not to hurt anymore, that's not going to happen though so I need to be realistic. I believe that you never stop loving someone, that person may change and you don't love who they are now but at one point in your life, they were the only thing you needed and the only thing you wanted. 
I want different things now, I'm working all the time so I can leave here, so I can choose things for myself, so shadows don't follow me wherever I go. I believe that one day things won't hurt so much, one day I will be able to let go of what hurt me and I will be whole again. 
You were one of my hardest goodbyes and I look for you everywhere, I think of you all the time and I still want you, I just don't want you the way that you were hoping. 
We were never meant to be friends. Your exes and currents are all friends, I won't join that circle because I feel like I am being ripped apart to know you loved them the same way you loved me. 
My life is going well now, I know where I am heading and I know what is expected of me, I'm not second guessing everything, wondering if it's alright by you. It's time to put some things to rest and I couldn't do that when I was with you, I couldn't go through the bad memories and still be able to hug you or even hold your hand.
I hear she is lovely, so be happy with what you have, don't look back on what is lost, it just makes things more painful. I love it when I get to hear from you but that is not my place anymore, I'm different now and I'm not the girl you fell in love with. I'm not opinionated like I used to be, I am mostly a calm person, I've lost my spark and I don't really want it back. I just want to sleep.

All I wish for and all I need.

I just watched The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I don't think I have ever loved a movie more. It was like retracing my steps through all the years, it felt like it was me. I still get really worried, worried I might slip up again and that there won't be anyone to stop me next time. I am scared as hell that I won't wake up in the morning because I did something stupid. I really just want to get away, from this town, from people, most of all I want to get away from myself. I'm plagued with fear that I'm not a good enough person, that I should be stronger, that I should try harder at everything, that I need to be there for people more, I'm afraid that people don't know how much I love them, how much I want for them to be happy. Sometimes for someone to be happy you have to be broken. I don't know if I can break myself apart again, I don't know how to please my family and friends, to please him and still feel whole inside. I just need to forget, I just need to sleep, I need this all to stop.

Pour some liquor out for this town.

There isn't really much to say. I spent close to a week trying to convince myself that they were just as good as him, or at least close. There was no comparison. So those boys are gone now and I'm making a conscious decision that I don't want someone like him. I want someone who wants me. I'm ready to leave where I've been, a big change is coming and I can't wait to get out of this small town.

I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've begun.

I spent all of today cooking. I spent all of today cooking and someone returned to the house. Today made me feel like I had returned to a year ago, like everything was back to the good stage, the safe stage. It was before I started things with someone, before I chose where my life would go, before I chose to move on. That being said, I believed I had moved on so much this year, in light of recent occurrences, I have not. I thought I had made so much progress. Well unfortunately things are not as simple as they seem. The next few months are going to be the hardest of my life and I am in no way ready.

If I wanna be someone equally free there are things I must unlearn.

I was supposed to go out tonight. I was supposed to go and meet people and party. Instead I stayed home cooking. Whether that was a good choice or not I do not know. I stayed home, by myself, to cook. It's been a while since I cooked, probably the first time since he left. Alcohol and cooking all alone, not one of my best ideas. Sure, it makes everything taste better, makes me think my ideas are genius, the outcome is not so great though. I've called everyone I talk to just so I don't call a specific number. A couple of numbers really. The boy I met, the boy I used to be with and the boy who is nearby. I never make the best decisions when I'm alone but I rather the decisions I make alone than the decisions I make with a boy.

There's never time to save, you're paying by the hour.

Some days are better than others. Waking up to hear that twenty beautiful little kids were murdered in their classrooms was completely devastating. There is nothing to be said about it that can console the families, nothing that can be done to fix that community, nothing that can make this go away. 20 lives that had not yet been lived are over, they had just started to realise they were their own people, starting to make their own decisions, be happy, figuring out what they were good at, what it was like to have friends. This tragedy should never of happened. One tiny bit of contorted metal, simple physics has lead to an amount of emotion that can never be contained or explained by the world. This should never have occurred and now the world loses tiny souls who would have grown up to love somebody, be good at something and would have changed the lives around them in a positive way instead of this pain and hurt that takes its place after one man chose to live out a horror movie. School is a place where we are supposed to feel safe, learn about life, learn that there is evil in the world but there is also good. These children will remember this for the rest of their lives. They will remember the day that violence entered their safe haven. Help should always be there for those who need it, these survivors will need years and probably the rest of their lives to come to grips with what happened. All we can do is hope and pray to whichever entity we believe in that they will learn to heal what has been broken and know that they are loved.

I just want you to dance with me tonight.

I think I am stuck in this endless cycle of emotions. When I'm happy and whole I am completely moved on and with someone new. When I've had a bad day or I'm tired, it's like I regress. While we were together I feel like I got a new best friend, the first person I told when something good happened was him, he would tell me his things as well and it just felt like we were open. Looking back on it with the things I know now, we didn't really tell each other the big things we should of but I think sometimes, it's the small things that matter. So I need to break this cycle. Good thing is I get to make my own choices, choose the person I want to be with. None of them have the connection that I had with him but maybe that will come with time. Just gotta wait for it to pass.

I awaken and untangle you from me.

I've been watching a large amount of fairytale movies recently, not that it's anything unusual. They all find one true love, usually their first love. My first love was full of emotions, both good and bad, it was what could be expected when two very different people fall in love. I have never felt so loved or so lost in my life. I honestly thought that at one stage, it was just me and him, only me and him. Unfortunately it wasn't just us, there were others, there are others now. I think some people aren't meant to fall in love. I wish I could do the whole relationship thing but if I couldn't make it work with the one I loved so much I doubt there is any hope. There was one more first that was rightfully his, someone else wants it now and I don't know what to do anymore.

Under the Milky Way tonight.

Once again the Inbetween welcomed her, like she had never been gone. She sat beneath their tree. Though he had never been there, she felt him when she was in contact with the oak, she felt the warmth, the bark of the tree was well worn in her favourite spot, just waiting. She closed her eyes, only for a second, but a second is all it took.  
Open your eyes. When she let her eyelids flutter, he was standing serenely like there was nowhere else he ought to be. Come with me, I've missed you. His hand was outstretched, open, just begging for her to accompany him, for she would never have the chance again. She left the comfort of their tree for another kind of comfort, it was like her limbs moved on another's will, under his command, as if she was never really their true master. 
I still love you, but I'm hers now. Her muscles continued to obey him, to walk when he instructed, to be his play thing. She was beginning to see the dusk lose colour, the calm reddish fade, turn to a whiter shade of pale. The air within her lungs tensed, turned to ice and expanded far beyond the space available. Actually, I don't love you anymore. Everything within her shattered like someone dropped a lamp, the light ceased to exist. But I will still get what I want. He willed her to stop and lifted her head, there was no colour now, nothing had any shade, he let go of her hand and looked over her shoulder and smiled. My time to leave, but not for long. Can I have another first from you? Please know that it will never mean anything though.
There would never be a safe haven again. 

No-one can find the rewind button now, so cradle your head in your hands.

I keep taunting myself with my two biggest mistakes, replaying them like they are the only things that I have done with my life. The thing is, if I see either of them again I won't be in control of myself for entirely different reasons. I freeze with one, I lose all sense of self, the fiery and defiant girl that I am and I become nothing. The other makes my whole self shiver and quake, but not in fear, in an illusion of faith that he loved me as much as I loved him. The sad thing is that with the more time that goes by, the more I see the similarities between them. Their talents are the same, they both spoke their minds far more than they should have, they both made me feel so small, so powerless, they both made me disappear.

All I needed was a landline.

I haven't been this scared in a while. He can't hurt me, he can't touch me but it still feels like he is in control. I'm scared that I can't be with someone who is right for me, that I can't be functional. What if I always hide behind what hurt me, just in case of the slightest chance that they hurt me too? They say that you experience fear and mastery. I am scared to experience either. I don't want him to rule my life again, to be stuck in an endless loop of being lost. I don't want to hide like I used to, I want to live and be happy, I want to love someone, I want to be innocent again.

Can you lie next to her and give her your heart?

Apparently I have to start thinking about N. If I ever want to get better, if I ever want to have a normal relationship I need to stop being afraid. They told me that I need to think about N, to start picturing his face to take away his power. How am I supposed to picture his face when even his name makes me petrified? I knew I shouldn't have told them that the dreams came back but I thought it was a just a thing to say in passing, not that they would latch on to it and make me regret ever saying a word. 
So I need to picture N, I have to hope that this works otherwise it will take me to the edge. That's why I don't want to go to sleep, in case the dreams are worse after talking about them. The sad thing is, if I fall asleep and the dreams come back I can't wake myself up.
They always said it was going to be hard, I thought that if I kept myself busy while working through it, it might help. I have support but is that enough to keep the Dark Days away?

What a day to give up smoking and to begin breathing.

Today was a day of near misses. I got to work and nearly got bitten, I nearly checked my Skype for him and I nearly lost my mind. I made a decision last night that no matter what, there would be no more him and me. There would be no more ifs and maybes. There would be no more trying. Of course there are still feelings, there always will be but that doesn't mean that I have to try again for nothing. It took one night for a boy to make me feel like I was worth it again and 3 seconds for another to tear it down. I was so emotional today that I thought I would topple, surprise euthanasias always do that to me. Oh and that near miss cat bite? I got home, turns out it wasn't a near miss. He got me.

I was falling hard with an open heart.

I thought it was going to be you. I thought that despite the stuff we went through, I thought it was going to be you. I guess I was wrong. It's not going to be you because some things you have to do because you deserve more and with all that we went through, I don't deserve to be the second one. The answer to your question is no and unfortunately there is nothing that can let you change that. You only left me when you had her lined up, I will not participate in you causing that pain to another girl and despite how much I feel I need you, I don't need you anymore, let me move on and fix what was broken.

The taste of ink is getting old.

There was once a time where I thought people had the same moral code as I did. I thought that the world had taught me enough, that I didn't need another lesson, well apparently I was wrong. It's not like he did anything wrong. He's in a new relationship. Where he did go wrong though, was telling me he still wanted me afterwards. It's not like it was ever going to happen, he's with her but if there were any chance it just dissipated. I'm hurt and angry and it's done. Luckily enough, what I did last night gave me a bit more confidence in the fact that there are other people who want me as number one, not whenever things don't work out or just someone for kicks. I don't know what's happening or where I will end up. But for the moment, I'm single and I'm staying that way until someone proves that there is a reason to stay.

None of us thought it was gonna end that way.

Indecision. It's a killer. Should I leave a potential relationship to wait for someone who is never coming back, who I don't even know if I want to come back? I cannot keep my head straight, I never have been able to about this boy, everything has always been jumbled and incomplete. I wish I knew whether this pain was worth it or whether to just let go. Maybe one day I will look back on this and think that it was all for nothing but what if I look back and say I should of tried harder?

When I say good morning next, I'll lie.

It's like boys have a radar. Like they know when you've been with someone else. I don't know how this sort of thing happens, I swear it must be a talent. The thing is, I can't be his friend. I can't talk to him without remembering everything and feeling my insides drop. It's safe to say I'm not in love anymore but that doesn't mean that there are no feelings there. I wouldn't have been able to do what I did last night if I still loved someone else. No contact with him is how I stay safe, how I protect myself but every time I hear his voice I feel a yearning for what was lost, what is no longer in existence.

The girl in the dress cried the whole way home.

Inevitably I am growing up. I am getting older and having to deal with what happened when I was barely a teenager. He made a guest appearance in my dreams last night. I don't think about him that much anymore but yet there he was. The sad thing is he soon morphed into someone else. I try so hard not to see a connection between the two of them, at times it's easy not to. I get anxious by the fact that I can't let go of what that young boy did, that I will see it in every male I ever meet. I am scared that he is back in my dreams, I was free of him for such a long time, he's got control back and I just want him to go away.

In your fire and in your flood.

I've been playing my ukelele for hours, going over the same chord changes again and again hoping that somewhere within them I could find some sort of sanity and sense. I needed to get a break from what was waiting for me as soon as I stopped playing. I guess you can't have everything. You can't just be with someone to get over someone else. He fell in love quicker than I did and he fell out even faster but that doesn't mean I should be hurting someone else. I guess I was trying to make myself remember what it was like, what it was like to have someone who wants you. It's not great when they only want you for something to do, in all senses of the word. So forgive me if I can't put the ukelele down, but I need something constant to believe in.

It's true romance is dead.

Why people believe they have a right to keep dragging you down I have no idea. Is this fun for you? Is this what makes you feel better? I can't even fathom how little you care because apparently there is nothing left, for you to make me feel like this you never really cared. To be honest, I'm not too badly hurt, I was upset, yes, because you did exactly what happened to me before and you didn't even do it as well, so to be honest I was thinking more about what he did than you. So don't think too highly of yourself. I certainly don't think highly of you at all.

How much will I find?

It's been too long since the last time I prayed. I haven't been inside a Church for about a year and a half because I find it hard to face the concept that God is listening and willing to help us change. I don't know what to believe, I don't know what to pray for, I don't know how to reach out. I used to believe you went to a place of worship because it was expected. 
 My family never pushed faith onto us, we went to Church every Sunday, we prayed and were an active part of the service but I never remember taking it home with us, it was like there was a special place for that sort of thing. We were given the option of following our faith or not. The problem with that is when the teenage years hit, most of us abandon faith, decide to be rebellious even if there is nothing against which to rebel. 
I left the Church, of course there were a few more complicated circumstances which helped the decision, but now, I'm not sure what to do, what to pray for, what to believe. I guess I'm looking for direction, for something to work for, I just can't find it, but it's not faith if you use your eyes right?

Soon be memory.

The last few days have been amazing. I have been surrounded by the people I love and had more fun than I thought possible. Being able to see all of them together means so much to me, its only a problem when they all want me to have shots with them as individuals. Luckily enough this morning I did not awaken with a hangover, instead I woke up with my mates after an incredible night. I can't remember feeling this good, whether that be due to stress or just bad people in my life, I don't want it to end. So this means it's time to let go. Now it's just me and yes it's scary because it means I'm fair game. I don't feel comfortable with the new guys, I don't like them putting their arms around me or holding me but I like some of the new things they teach me, like the way to hold a kiss or the way to make sure they know they are loved. New beginnings and new roads. That is where I am going.

Sink back into the shadows.

This blog has been ruined by a boy. Well, that's half true. He broke me so I broke this thing that I had going. So I don't know what to do with this page anymore. I can't write about love, I don't really believe in it anymore. I can't write about hope because that flew out the window about a month ago. I can't write about music because I can't listen to anything without him tainting it. The one the I can write about it fractured pieces of soul which someone decides to set on fire because making them splinter wasn't enough. That's okay though, I have a plan but being in a relationship is no where in sight. Next time I will listen to everyone around me. That boy was a complete waste of my time and love that someone else deserved.

All this time I was wasting.

The only man that you can trust is your dad. All the other boys just let you down. They hurt you, they try to break you and then they say that was never their intention. I for one, call bull. You cannot trust them, they only care for themselves, they only look out for themselves, they say sorry but they don't know what the word even means. If you repeat something uncountable times you are NOT sorry. Boys lie, cheat and completely rip apart your view of yourself. Don't you think once was enough? Don't you think tipping my world upside down caused distress? You don't get to clear your conscience. You don't get to feel better. You get to feel horrendous just like me.

I can't breathe.

It's irrational and unreasonable, but I still hope to wake up and see him next to me, for us to be us again, without any of the stupid mistakes, without the hurt, just us. It's them now, not us. It's their time and I need to deal with it. He chose her, he wants her and I want him to be happy, I don't want him to hurt anymore, I want him to have his love of life back, I want him to be the boy I met, the boy I fell in love with and the one who I miss indescribably. I wish I was the thing that made him happy. I only want what is best for him.

I was meant for you.

I can't remember our last kiss, I can remember it was a Saturday, it had to be, but I don't remember it. I remember every inch of him, as if he were an extended part of me. I remember him trying to explain what an N-64 was, a concept which I still find vague, I remember how he used to hold me, how I used to wait until he let go before I hugged back. I suppose that was me proving I wasn't vulnerable, the biggest lie I tell myself daily. He is my vulnerability, you want to see me cry? Bring up his name. You want to see me completely fall apart? Mention hers.

Loving him was red.

There was a study done that showed by the time you finish university, 80% of people have already met the person they will end up with. I loved him, I loved him with all my heart, we all have that someone we will never forget. Life moves on, it waits for no man, woman or child, it doesn't wait for you to pick yourself up off the ground, it doesn't help you care for your wounds, it carries on without any thought. Remembering the loss is okay for a period of time, reliving the loss only sinks us further into quicksand which suffocates us. I wish I could explain the waves we have to go through, so I could create a sort of road map of pitfalls and mistakes, unfortunately it cannot be simplified to that. All I know is that there will be an end, I will make it through this because there is nothing that can be done now, it has happened and it was traumatic, it hurt like hell but at one point, that was what I wanted to do. The long twisted road of my life still waits for me, I just have to want to start the walk.

It's time that I quit wondering why.

Why didn't I try harder? Why didn't I do what you wanted? Why didn't I do everything you wanted? Why couldn't I get you to stay with me? Why does this hurt so badly? Why couldn't we make it work? And most of all why couldn't you love me?

The ground below is crumbling.

I wish I could say I don't love you. I wish I could say I hate you. You keep contacted me, I respond once and you set your family on me? I finished my course today, I didn't focus and I didn't say goodbye to the people I should of because I was hurt by you, I come off as the bad guy but you are with someone else. You don't get to be upset, you don't get to be lonely, you chose someone else, you left me, you took my friends, you do not get to make me feel terrible. How did this happen? How can you do this? Why?

You're 21.

It's three days until I enter the world by myself. I was expecting to at least have him to hold my hand as stupid as it sounds. Big changes are coming and I don't know if I'm ready for them. I thought with him there they would be easier, that I was going to be happy. He's not here anymore, I don't want him to be either but I miss him. I miss him a lot. I'm not sure why things ended the way they did, I don't know why he doesn't want me anymore but I do know one thing. My life is coming and I need to accept that I am on my own. Of all the things that I was scared about, being alone wasn't one of them, it is now and I don't think it's going to go away. I don't want anyone but him but I also don't want the hurt. So it's just me, I guess this is what being a grown up is all about.

I just need some time to play.

I thought that moving on would be easy. I thought that being back with him would make things easier. That was a big mistake, over before it began because I don't want a relationship anymore. I don't want to be committed to anyone, not now and probably not for a long time. I guess it still affects me. So I don't want to have one person who needs me, I don't want to need anyone, people lie and people cheat. So I may as well be the one who has all the fun instead of the one who gets hurt. I'm ready to start my life without some prick who will hold me back and tear me apart. So thanks mate for ruining another thing for me. She hasn't dated before, don't ruin her as well. Does she know you text me saying you love me? Oh well, at least I get to have some fun now.

You make me smile.

So there have been many turmoils occurring recently. It's hard to talk about really, some of it is just too sore. I had been weeping and tired and anxious for days. It changed today though, I made the decision that if he could find someone else, if he could forget about me, forget what we had, love someone else and not give a damn about me, that's what I would do to. As if some sort of fate were listening, that's when he appeared. That is when I found the man that I had been waiting for. He came back for me, after the years and relationships that we had both had, he wanted me. So the last relationship I had is over, but it's okay because there is someone for me and he came at the exact right time.

Goodnight.

I used to believe we could all be saved. Sometimes being saved means being lost.

To you, it's just a game.

I had myself fooled. I thought that I should feel sorry forever for what happened, but you know what? If you feel you have the right to play me like that I hope you realise what's coming your way. I am not going to sit at home, waiting around just to do things for you. I cannot believe that this is happening again. Was it worth it? No. Not even close. I'm sorry but there are other people who want ME, not something that they can play with whenever they are bored and lonely, especially when they know how bad things have been lately. Never again. I deserve more than to be used as casual stimuli before you go out and try to get girls. It may have been okay with the others but you will NOT do this to me.

Just know that I will remember you.

I used to get so angry at myself because of the people I fell for, why I always had to fall for the same personality type, why I wanted the specific person. I used to tell myself that I was one of those women who thinks they can fix a person. I used to think that was my motivation. There is all sorts of theories about that, something to do with the mothering and nurturing nature, well I know why I did it, it took a while to figure it out and strangely enough I realised it while looking at a picture of Gerard Way.
It feels so damn good to be the reason those hurt people smile.

You've got a fast car.

I loved the way he used to hold my hand while driving, I loved the way he tried to help my cook, I loved his little quirks and I loved sitting there mixing up Rubik cubes for him. I loved the way he hugged me, the way that when his lips touched mine, I was safe. I loved the way he had plans, the way he looked into my eyes and said he could see a future for us. I hate how I couldn't give him everything, I hate how I wasn't strong enough to make it work. I hate that I hurt him, the one thing that I don't hate is that being apart is best for him, I will do what is best for him seeing as he did what was best for me.

There will be no white flag above my door.

Feelings suck. Hormones suck. Most of all, being in love when you shouldn't be sucks. I wish I could find a more eloquent way to put this. I can't seem to take control of what's going on. Foolishly I thought that I would find a way to deal with this in a non destructive manner, that was not and still is not the case. I am more than willing to admit that I caused some of the problems and I made the impending doom definite, I made mistakes that should have been bypassed and I thought that I would be strong enough to leave without turning back. I believed that I could leave my world behind. I believed that I could let go, I believed half way through the plane ride, all thoughts would subside. It was like distance just concentrated the assortment of troubles and deeds. What do you do when home is not located in the house you live in, but rather with the one you love?

I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need.

I've made some bad calls. I've been selfish, I have been reckless and I have hurt the people that I love. I don't want to be this person, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I have been closed minded, so wrapped up in my own problems to see what was happening to me the people around me. I won't forget again.
I can see what he needs and that is no longer me.

I'll be close behind.

She had wandered to all corners of the Inbetween, searched every burrow and all the hollows, walked to the bottom of the wispy lake, climbed and lived in the trees and yet she always stayed away from the centre. It was bad this time, worse than before, so she started towards the middle of everything. She took the last step, over the moss crack and suddenly, everything changed. The trees once lush and vibrant were now dead and crushed, the moss had left, there was no light, no comfort and before her, the path rose up and contorted until there were two separate trails. At the end of one there was her family and a hospital bed waiting, the other was completely black, nothing could be seen. She only took a second to decide. She walked into the darkness, into the end.

You stole my star.

Sometimes it just hurt too much. Sometimes the Inbetween was the only place that was safe, the only place where she could forget. The sad thing is that the Inbetween fades, the lake, the trees, the blur and things change. The Inbetween is no longer there, instead destruction rose in its place. Towering granite and cement and steel stood menacingly above her, taunting her, pushing her towards the steel, towards the cold metal edge. One cut, she told herself, maybe the pain would take her back to the Inbetween. She always said only one cut but sometimes the mind wanders.

The innocence can never last.

When she returns to the Land of the Living, they ask her about the Inbetween, what it was like, what she remembered, who she shared it with. Though she did not like to be untruthful, she said she had no recollection. You see, the Inbetween was her place and no one elses, it was where she truly belonged. They wanted to know all about this place where her mind would wander when she couldn't cope. She needed that place to be hers, to be her safe haven and if she spoke of the peace there, the serenity, all she would be able to hear was all these doctors telling her it wasn't real, that she shouldn't give in to the temptation of the nothingness. It was there that she got to be herself again, step out of the meek shell that she now adhered to, slip through the cracks of her porcelain mask and flow fully into the state of bliss which had become her home.

Then that word grew louder and louder.

She stretched her dormant muscles, the tips of her fingers reaching up towards the ever present moon, her toes brushing the fallen leaves. She had been here too long already but she wasn't ready to leave, she loved the Inbetween, its calmness and complete lack of complication. She smoothed the crinkles out of her clothes, her fingers regaining feeling. She slowly rose from the soil she had called her home, she walked on her toes as if dancing with the wind and foliage, spiral twists and silent strides towards the lake. 

The lake was one of the best parts of the Inbetween. It was not filled with water, though the fluidity was deceiving. The wispy waves were silver and moved like silk. It contained all the thoughts that had sent here to this place, the harder she looked the darker they became. The silk began to form words, contort into the things that were best forgotten. Her fingers grazed the surface, sending ripples, hoping that would distort the thoughts, she wanted nothing more than to forget, forget what she had left, forget what was waiting for her on the other side. But these things cannot be ignored for long.

HEY!

Hi guys,
I've been away for a while and haven't had a computer, so sorry about the lack of posts.
Now I'm back and I start classes again on Monday but I will do my best to update regularly.
I love that I have support from you all and I will try to get this back to normal!
Thanks,
returntosender

Crashing Down.

She shredded everything. Every memory, every letter, every date, every moment. She tore, ripped, cut and scrunched all the things that made her who she was. Believing this was the only way was how she would get through this, knowing that only one existence was possible and acknowledging that to survive she had to let go, her only savior would be total destruction. She teetered on the edge of total absolution and swan dived into eternity.

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear.

Emerging from the valley of broken clocks, twisted keys and charred letters, she found her feet again. While her atrophied muscles screamed with every step she took she followed the path back to her life. It was being over taken by ferns and moss, nature reclaiming its land after it was so rudely disrupted by her in the midst of the Dark Days. She brushed back the plants gently as if to make up for the original disturbance. Her feet knew the way while her mind wandered, her thoughts consumed by all that had moved on while she remained dormant. The seasons had flown by with no qualms towards her untimely defeat, babies had become children and people left for time stops for no one. She felt the terrain change underfoot, the path remained well worn. She paused, no one came to this place but her, too much time had passed for it to mean anything. Slowly she felt shadows begin to move, forming shapes of the people she had loved, ones she had lost, ones that had been lost. They had kept this place in such a state so she would recognize what it was time for. Together they began the journey back to where she belonged, though they could not help her once she returned back to normality, at least they could give her hope that some things are never lost. 

Now you can't find what you've left behind.

Checking over her shoulder she started to run, away from the gates, away from the memories, away from the one she loved. Her feet were pounding as if they could stamp out that last night, that night where everything lost its innocence. She ran through the old oaks, she launched herself over the moss covered log, as if to propel herself from the hurt. She pushed through the trees, past where she had once felt safe sitting in his arms, past the clearing they had called their own. The scenery began to change, the ground became littered with stones, crumbling limestone on which she took a step too far. When she landed her breathing began to slow, her vision ebbing away until there was only him. No amount that she ran could change that he was a part of her that she could never leave, so she had to decide, live with the memories or live with him?

Oh you love him like he'll be there for always.

She walked through the darkness fully aware of the dangers, agonizingly aware of the ramifications of her decision and she began the dance. She pushed against the weight of the constricting nothingness, as if simply moving her partner an inch would keep her safe for now. She heard the music rise, she felt him approach her, she felt him delicately placing his arms around her, at first almost lovingly, she felt the arms tense and ever so slightly tug. She tried her best to will them away, she pushed with all that was left of her against the sound, she pulled away from him with the last remnants of her hope, slowly her muscles refused to obey their orders, her mind started to relinquish their power to the slumber that had been waiting since the moment the first of the band began to play. The tempo began to drop, the notes wavered and her partner drifted away until there was only her, looking for a partner to help her. She got what she desired, he just led her further away rather than turning back to life. In that moment she received two things, a permanent dancing partner and a promise to keep her safe from the Land of the Living, after all it is one terrifying place to be.

Katie was a little girl.

Anger can consume you whole. It can drench you in paint stripper, completely dissolve everything you believe in until there is nothing there but fire. I can see nothing else, just jealousy and pain. I always believed I would be able to overlook these things but I am just like every other girl, I don't want to see him with his arm around another girl. Holding on to past offenses happens, letting go of them is the problem, but when trust is broken all hell breaks loose. 

It seems ridiculous, nothing happened between them, if only it felt that way to me.

Fields of Gold.

I think that when we die, we are never lost. There is always something that ties you here, photos, memories, loved ones, they carry on for us. It's always a wrenching moment when someone dies before their time. There's a saying that no parent should ever outlive their child. I cannot even fathom the pain that some parents go through, nor would I ever want to. I guess we all have a new chance everyday and we should relish the pain and hurt because some are never given the option to make and fix mistakes.

Darling don't be afraid.

It's alarming how easily people are saying I love you these days. I always believed that you only said I love you when you are over the moon, missing someone so much it hurts, breath taking kind of attachment, I believe that saying those three words will bind you to that person, saying them will mean they will break you, they will tear you apart, tendon and bone. I only ever said it once and it is an experience I will never forget. Until I am sure it won't hurt, I'm keeping those words to myself so they mean something, not saying it to someone I have been seeing for 2 weeks.

The end of a decade but the start of an age.

The Phoenix. Being reborn from ashes. Gerard Way said sometimes you have to kind of die inside to rise from your ashes and believe in yourself, to love yourself and become a new person. That's what it feels like, you tear yourself apart because of all the hate you hold, you keep pulling at yourself until you fall to nothing. You get past the stage of hurting, you get past the stage of "This might not be such a good idea." When you get to that point it doesn't matter how logical things are or how easy it is to get help, all that matters is that things stop, you can't feel the loathing anymore, you can't feel anything. I still remember those moments when the only reason I was alive was because someone else was fighting for me, someone else saw I was worth it. 


I wish I could say that everyone has someone willing to help them, someone willing to do the hard work when you have no strength but unfortunately not everyone does. So those people who couldn't make it are not selfish, they are not stupid and they did not deserve to die. They needed help and I want you to ask yourselves something. Where were you?

I know there's nothing I can say to change that part.

I feel that there is something wrong, whether because we were expecting different things or they were just words. When there are two people it makes things more difficult, trying to please them but trying to keep yourself intact is an atrocious task and the weight of it is exceptional.
The things that scares me is that you can't take some things back, you can't undo some mistakes, you can't change actions.

Just close your eyes.

I can't go back to the way I used to be but I can't stay here. I can't say everything is okay and I can't try to be like everyone else. You said you wouldn't leave me, you said a lot of things. I won't be stupid enough to believe again. I had this stupid notion that not everyone was a liar like you. It's time to say goodnight, there is no lullaby that can fix this.

Why I try.

Standing on a knife edge, making a decision to cut, to drift away from everything you know and into nothing. I crave the nothingness, I crave to go away, to leave everything in the past. I want to be able to forget, I want to be able to feel everything fade. I want to just let go.

Hide and Seek

I used to expect more from myself. I used to expect that I would end up singing in a club somewhere, having someone waiting for me when I got home. I used to expect that I would find the right person, I believed that they would be mine, that they would understand everything that had happened and that when I couldn't trust myself in anyway that they would be there and that they would do what was right for me when I couldn't see it for myself.
I used to expect that timing wouldn't be an issue, I expected that I wouldn't have to tell them to stop or tell them when I was uncomfortable. I expected that they would just know, that there was no pressure, that I didn't need to worry about what they were wanting to achieve. I made a mistake and I don't know how to fix it this time. How do you fix something you never had full control of anyway? Instead now I lay expectancies aside and feel shame that I am not the person I thought I was.

But they're just old light.

Not being able to trust the people around you sucks. I had hoped that I would be stronger now, I had hoped that no matter what, I still knew who I was. Every time I get out of bed in the morning I have to trust that I know what I'm doing, I have to trust that no matter what I will not doubt myself in the things that are significant. It's never one person's fault. There are always at least two sides. Even if I can't trust myself I need to be able to trust the person next to me, when I can't do that I need to leave, no exceptions. Unfortunately when you don't obey your own rules you find yourself in a contorting mess of unraveling.

From yesterday it calls him, but he doesn't want to read the message here.

So this is an old piece I wrote for English.
Here's to progression.


There is no such thing as strength, at least not in my world. I don’t mean the biceps rippling and thighs as big as trees strength, I mean the saying goodbye strength, the letting go and the facing the oncoming emotion torrent of inexplicable grief. I have grieved for years and yet the practice does not make me stronger, it weakens me to the core and now there is nothing but hopelessness.

I haven’t had a say in my life for as long as I can remember, everything happens, without any input or opinion. I gave up the fight when we battled for my sanity, and that was the beginning of the Dark Days.
I’m so consumed with this angst, this need to escape, I know people are talking to me, they stroke my arm or push my hair back but I don’t want them near me, it’s a constant reminder that I’m not one of them anymore, I can’t be like them, I have my own demons who make it impossible.
Despite all the medication I cant sleep, or maybe its because of the medication, I honestly can’t keep track, and it’s no longer significant.
They play me music, something I always use to respond to, hoping that one day, I will awaken from a slumber, emerge from the woods and bring an end to the Dark Days, but not sound, not smell, not memory can reach me now, I’m within the contorted barks, the drenched soil, I cannot be moved.
I can’t remember the last time I made contact with anyone outside the realm of the Dark Days, I can’t remember anything but the Dark Days, except one thing, a boy. Nathan.
I don’t like that name, but the Dark Days love it, their tentacles unfurl, they awaken and they grab hold of me, pincers like vices which pierce and pull. I don’t like to think of that name, but I dislike the nothingness, the hole of wretchedness more. It will take a while, but I will remember, I remember moments, glimpses of what was, but it makes no sense, it’s like hearing every third word of a sentence, there’s a lot of guess work.
I remember desks. It’s a strange thing to remember, but that’s it, desks and charcoal. I remember hiding, hoping never to be found, but I was, he found me and said, “Are you afraid of me?” But then its gone, and the pain is too much, its like my head is convulsing, there’s fire, its endless, and then there’s nothing.

I wonder how much was ever really in my hands, how much was up to me to change. I think I could have changed it, he couldn’t have always known how I would react, but he knew how the Dark Days would, he used them to control me. When I was weakest, he was there, he never touched me, but I was defiled, he never shot me, but there was a gaping hole, he never liked me, but he was forever watching me.
I was walking up the stairs, it was dark, but I could tell he was following me, leering at me, breathing as if I was the oxygen. I knew I wasn’t safe, I knew the albatross was around my own neck as soon as I entered his world. It was constant and endless, he would never leave me alone, no matter what got in his way, he seemed to think I belonged to him, and I guess I did seeing as the Dark Days allowed for no struggle.

I think it’s all out of order, my memory wont regenerate in chronological order, it’s like your computer using binary, its hard to read unless you know the exact ways in which to calculate it. I think everything is jumbled until nothing makes sense, but since I started retelling everything, more images, words, sounds, smells keep returning, as if they were happening again, the Dark Days make everything so vivid.
He would mouth words to me, jerk his head, engrave the desk with a metal disk, but he would never ever take his eyes off of me, and I think that was the most excruciating, the most incapacitating thing that has even come close to the Dark Days.
I use to be afraid that he might be around me now, but I can unequivocally tell you that I would sense it, though there would be nothing I could do, I would know without an inkling of a doubt that he was there, some people you cannot forget, they are forged, bended and crushed into your mind, like your own name.
It’s only after all this time that I can begin to contemplate whether he was ever remorseful for what he inflicted on me, whether he had changed and he felt the guilt and shame, the brokenness that he made sure I experienced.
In the Dark Days, he would use whatever he could to bring me back, but mostly it was fire, it was burnings, there is no phoenix that arises from this story, to say it lasted for an eternity would not explain it, he read to me Remembering Ophelia once, he said it was us, but I didn’t love him enough to come back for him, so he would never let me go in the first place. He thought it was romantic.

He and the Dark Days worked in tandem, until I was unrecognisable. I’m not human, I’m not dead and I’m not asleep. After what seemed like never ending taunting and baiting, he coaxed out my spirit, and lit a match.
There is no such thing as strength, at least not in my world.

I thought that I heard you laughing.

It's hard to explain why I no longer go to Church, it's not that I don't believe that there is more and it's not that I don't agree with the principles. I think that when I used to go to Church I was a different person, I believed that you could be forgiving, I believed that I didn't need to protect myself from attacks of a certain nature. I thought that going to Church would make people leave the little Christian girl alone. 
I feel like I can't go back because I don't belong there anymore, I don't have any right to be there, I swear, I yell and scream and I'm not that nice girl anymore, I am an angry, outspoken "character" to be polite. I don't believe there is a place for me there anymore.
I know that He doesn't give us more than we can handle, but tell that to the people who are no longer with us.

Counting my foot steps, praying the floor won't fall through.

Don't you think I was too young to be messed with? Everything that he did back then affects me now. Every word he said, every one of those disgusting looks has changed me, I am no longer that innocent little girl who believed the best in people. It means that it will take me years to even have a semi functional relationship. I don't want to kiss anyone because of him, I don't want anyone to stand behind me or play with my hair because of him. The thing that I have to always remember is that it was not my fault that he did this, it was his decision and probably nothing I did would have affected the outcome. It is not your fault if they decide that you are the one they want to torment, I guess we're just unlucky, but that doesn't mean we have to stay that way. I will pick myself up and I will change things, I won't meekly sit down and have everyone else make my decisions for me again, I am stronger now, I am stronger than I expected I would ever become so I guess in someways I owe that to him but I will NEVER say thank you. He has my fear but not my fate.

A liar and pathetic and alone in life.

This one is for all the boys who believe it is okay to blame their girl for everything. 

We make our own choices, it is not her fault you are incapable of making good ones. We choose how we react to situations, she is not forcing you to act like an ass. Break ups are hard, we all know that but how you respond is what shows your character as well as your friends who have simply no idea of social courtesies. The fact that you did not correct them on their behaviour means that you condone it which is an exact reflection on you.
There is no excuse of acting like a twat and worst thing is, you don't even realise it. 

When the fire burns out here, it's brighter than the city lights.

I lost myself for a little while there, I couldn't reach out or say anything. I felt the nothingness invade and capture any thoughts of recovery. That is not who I am and that is not what I believe in but for a moment it felt like if I stopped fighting, everything would be okay, I would just be able to fade, to heal myself in my own way, nothing would collapse and things would just continue. It's hard when people call this giving up, when they say we are selfish and cowards. We are allowed to have moments of doubt, we can wonder about where we are taking ourselves, what troubles we might be able to avoid like pot holes. These are experiences that make us stronger and their judgements are just that. They are peoples personal calls and yes, they hurt and they scar but that is not who we are and that should have no say in who we become. We choose where we go, we make decisions based on what is right for us. We don't all have the same problems so there is no one size fits all in coping. There are some things that we have to go through alone, others can only make decisions for you until you stand up and you take responsibility and you will get it wrong, you will mess up and you will hurt somebody, but if you can get through all of the bad stuff, there is something worth it on the other side.

Don't hold me up now, I can stand my own ground.

Anger only pushes you forward so far. At some stage you have to let get go of it, you have to make the decision to move forward. You need to have faith that you can protect yourself without being aggressive. That's the bit that causes me the most trouble. I'm afraid and hurt by the smallest of things and I let my feelings propel me into situations I could of avoided. Anger only pushed you forward so far. Maybe one day that will actually mean something to me.

This world will never be what I expected.

I woke up and as my eyes opened I knew it was a mistake. I knew I shouldn't have gone back there, I knew no good would come of it. I just had to see it for myself, the place that broke me, the place which tormented me. It looked no different, the roses were still there, the church. A place like that did not deserve a church. It did not deserve a single thing. Walking under the jacaranda trees I still felt like he was watching me, was following me like all those times before. As I walked up the stairs I felt every piece of me fall and shatter. I heard all their favourite words for me, I could feel them playing with my hair, cornering me. I felt the darkness closing in, some things you will never forget and this was etched into my being as much as my name was. I'm not going to say he ruined my life, my life has just begun. He certainly made it harder for me, he made me fearful and empty. I control me now, I am no longer his. He has my fear but not my fate.

Everytime we lie awake.

Once upon a time there was a boy. He said he hated the world. He said nothing ever went his way, that no one loved him, no one cared. He said girls didn't like him, the usual "poor me" crap that seems to be the common line. The depressing Facebook statuses of the world coming down on my head. He wondered why he had no male friends. There is a simple answer to that. Boys don't put up with it, they don't put up with whining, the help me looks and they certainly don't try to help you if you don't help yourself. So stand up, make a change and then we'll talk. Until then, keep playing the poor little girls, keep them believing that they can fix you when really, you love the role of dysfunction and the only ones who talk to you are wistfully dreaming girls who believe you will choose them when really you just love the attention. There are plenty of people willing to do that, just don't count me as one of them.

Is that your ghost or are you really there?

While watching one of my favourite trashy shows, Tough Love in Miami, I came across a problem which almost all of us will encounter, lingering feelings. We all know that the first time that we talk to an ex after a break up things are up in the air, we go through the phase of "Maybe I rushed this break up through," or our forever favourite, "Did I make the wrong choice?" As most of you know, I especially hate it when I make mistakes, even if I can fix them. I guess you have to remember why you ended things, don't romanticize the problems and move forwards. If you can't do that with them, you made the right choice.  

It's better that we break.

Break up season is upon us once again. Get ready for your Facebook to get flooded by notifications. When it comes to times like this always imagine how it started. The theory that most pops into my mind is that one courageous individual finally said goodbye and it encouraged others, so they could all help each other through the process, if even only subconsciously.
How many of our relationship problems are reliant on other people? How many of us listen to others to solve our situations either because we are too scared or because we simply do not know what to do, Lord knows I am one of the second. There is no need to be defensive over this, it is just our nature, we are social beings that are heavily needy. 
Remember these are grumpy times we are living in, people are hurt and angry and no matter what DO NOT SAY YOU SIDE WITH THE EX especially if you are dealing with a girl. She will most likely rip your face off. Be prepared for late night phone calls with sobbing people on the other end and people may think you are carrying around tissues for someone with a cold but really it's for someone who's in a break up, it's much worse and may be contagious.

Give these moments back.

This isn't a passionate post. I feel nothing apart from something tugging on a wire around my ribcage. I feel like there is something tugging but the other side is not attached to anything. Verbalization is not really possible but I hope that there are other people feeling this way. I should stop watching movies right now, I should stop delving into these emotions but I feel as if I need to work through them. All I need is time.

SURPRISE! No song lyrics as a title, mostly because this is personal..

One day I looked next to me and you weren't there anymore. I don't really know how I felt about it, I missed you I think but you can never really be sure whether it's the person or the role they play. To be honest I don't think that I have ever met someone like you, you make jokes at really inappropriate times but then you can be the best guy I could ever imagine. I think this is a good space to be in, past upset and being appreciative. Maybe one day we could be friends again, you think? Being friends with you is much better than being in a relationship with you and not talking to you at all. But thing is I don't think you read this blog anymore so I may not have to back any of this shit up. Either way is good with me.

I'll bring your words along with me, maybe one day they will mean something.

Today has been a day of panic, losing something close to me, having to touch ferrets and discovering things that were better left unknown. Admittedly the second doesn't sound like it fits but I swear to God they give me the creeps.
There are somethings better left in the dark, never to be discovered because they are just no good for people. There's something in your mind that tells you to stop looking, to turn back but of course most of us don't listen. I am the first to admit that I feel the need to know everything, I need to understand why things happen and what an appropriate response is. Sadly some things do not have an appropriate response. Some things hit you so hard that you have no response at all. 

I wish that I could compile my experiences, the things that I did badly, the things that were successful so that other people like me would know what to avoid, but there are some decisions that cannot be made for us, we have no right to force changes on another person just because we think we know what's best, we might, but that isn't the point. No one could help me deal with my issues, no one can still, but they can help me through them, just like I can help other people, I can't tell them to cut ties or to get rid of something that is weighing them down, that is their decision entirely, but I can help them to pick up the pieces and help them to get through the pain and to the next day.

It sounds weird but anyone who has been through something similar will understand that just getting through 30 seconds of conversation without crying or shutting people out is an achievement, walking into a restaurant and not having to sit with your back to the wall is a big step forward. It's the little things, being able to go for a walk by yourself, being able to sit in a room with other people and be absolutely calm, these are the things that most people take for granted. These are the things that make us feel like we belong and these are the things we aspire to. 

When all those shadows almost killed your light.

There are always going to be days that overwhelm us. There are always going those times where you think things would be easier if you just stopped. Someone very close to me is going through that right now. We all have our own paths to travel and no one can do it for us, so when it gets harder, when it feels like you can't break through walls, you can't keep fighting, remember there are people who love you, who would do anything for you not to feel like this.
This is one of the first times I have been on the other end, I understand what happens next, the procedures and protocols, the doors that only go one way, I know what comes next. It's not pleasant and it hurts like hell, but if you can get through that part, if you can stand up and see something worth staying for, you can make it to the horizon and you can keep going, you can accept that it this was what you needed and it's not necessarily being thankful, but being grateful that you had help when you needed it. One day at a time, that's all that you need to do.

All that remains is a place where you no longer are.

It's hard to explain why I feel at peace again. It's hard to verbalize the fact that I didn't lose anything, that I didn't leave a single part of me in this boy's hands. I'm still me this time. I am still the same person that I was before and even though I don't like the person that I am right now, it's a relief to see that I am still there, not shattered and splintered. For the first time in a while I feel calm, like nothing can make me falter unless I let it. I have some control over what's going to happen with my life. There is a big difference between having control and being in control. You'd think by this point that must be my favourite word with the amount I use it, to be honest most of my life I have drifted from place to place trying to change things, to be remembered so that I could remember what I like about myself for when the Dark Times come. I remember to keep me holding on, that I still have a difference to make, and I do. I won't stop fighting just because I hit a wall. All that I have to do is to move through it.

I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left.

This is about pushing forward, through the hard times, through the months of struggling against the tide. Things will never be perfect, you will always need to fight, to prove that you can change things, that you are better than you were. Pushing through the crap that we have to go through is what makes us stronger, more resilient and adaptable. It's hard to move on, to accept that things happen and you can't change them, remember the past, but learn from it, protect yourself, but not everyone is going to hurt you.
Remembering the past has it's place but you can't spend forever loving a ghost.

I awoke, only to find my lungs empty.

Having no idea where your life is heading is scary, you don't know whether you are running straight into the fire or whether things will turn out. Questioning things is the way I figure out where my path lies, maybe I rely on it a bit too much, but I would never be able to trust that everything would be okay again. I need to have an out, always and forever, like sitting in a position within a restaurant where I can see everyone, I can monitor the exits and I always know that I can control where I go if not what I do. 
Moving forward is something that we all strive for, to let the current pull us back even at the slightest rate would be deeply alarming. Though I am always guarding my back, I am making changes, I am trying my best not to be full of aggression and anger, yelling is not going to change the past even if it alleviates the tension for a little while. 
Trust and control are two things I talk about a lot. You crave it when you don't have it like you wouldn't believe, but maybe all of this is about letting go, what if the whole point of life is to just exhale and see where you end up. It's trial and error and if you're lucky, you won't regret it.

If happy ever after did exist...

So it's been a pretty rough couple of days. I can't really explain the unease I am feeling. It's like before a roller coaster drops, you get this feeling of impending doom, you aren't completely sure that your harness is properly locked. I can see the thunderstorm heading my way, I just can't see what's in the eye of the storm. I know that he can't hurt me anymore, but that doesn't mean that there aren't more like him. Meeting new people is scary for me, I'm afraid that they will discover everything, that they will decide that they can manipulate me. All I can do is sail out to the middle of the ocean, into the centre of the storm and wait for it to pass, to prove that I can survive it.

You say you don't wanna know where this road goes.

Though I am completely over my past relationship, I still feel the after effects. Things scatter and you don't find them until much later, like a bottle of Coca-Cola and it makes you think of everything, the mistakes you made, the people you hurt but the thing is, this is a learning curve, that does not give your friends the right to abandon you for some mistakes you made. I know that most people say that they probably weren't your friends anyway but that is absolute crap. They just don't like you enough to over look it. The thing that pisses me off the most is all the stuff that they do wrong that I just let go. Reciprocity is not any of their fortes to say the least. There are a couple of things that I know to be true about myself, I have a passion for dogs but if a standard poodle comes my way you see me run like a little girl, I bake when I am upset and I hate when people take for granted the things that I do for them. I don't have to stay up and make cupcakes for you, nor do I have to help you with your homework, I don't have to stand up for you when people say mean things about you but I do because that's the way friends are suppose to show each other they care. Thing is, it hurts that you guys aren't around but it's not the end of the world. So thanks for a couple of mediocre years of friendship on your part, but I can live without it.

Doing things we haven't for a while.

When I look back on the last five months, some crazy stuff has happened. As usual it's full of regrets and full of things that I would never take back, loaded with "How could I ever drink that much?" and "I really quite like whiskey" and "Why did I think that was EVER a good idea?". Truth is, it's been a really good experience, of different things that I hadn't imagined for myself. Of course there have been a few red headed boys who popped up here are there, like that's new and arguments with people I should have said sorry about, but I think that somethings have changed. I learnt, begrudgingly, that I can be wrong and that I need to chill aggression wise sometimes. You see last night I did something that for years has been foreign to me. I actually was nice to someone the first time I met them. The part which was surprising was the fact that he had a Y chromosone and the crazy part is it didn't hurt. You know, coz us socially awkward freaks need to stick together. I thought I found someone this year, in reality it was just a glimpse of what I have yet to discover. Life's a journey and if you can't enjoy the ride, grab the wheel and change where your destination lies.

This beautiful place isn't everything they say.

You never really think about the people who had been in that relationship role before you. You certainly don't like to think of the people who had been in that relationship role after you. I started to think about that today, about how much of a grudge I hold against those people who tried to take what was supposedly mine. These new girls and boys I may have been particularly close to if it hadn't of been for the fact that they were with someone I once had a special fondness for. One girl was one of my best friends, we made this stupid pact that I would help her with the guy that she liked if she helped me with mine. Someone told her that I was trying to get with her guy and she became infuriated with me. The thing was I cared to much about my boy to even consider hers. We sorted things out and then she did get with my boy. For that I have never forgiven her, for that small a thing. To be honest it wasn't that I thought I actually had a chance with him but the fact that she was so hypocritical. It makes me think about who he's with now, who all of them are with. Are they happy? I can tell you one thing for certain, nothing is as simple as it seems.

You're just as far in as you'll ever be out.

Being a teenager, your life can go almost anywhere based on a group of choices. Immediately most people minds picture which University you choose or what course to enroll in. The majority think of whether to stay in their small towns or tackle a much rougher world outside their city limits. These were all things I imagined for myself when I was younger. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would apply for WAAPA or study forensic archaeology, it never occurred to me that things between the ages of 12-17 would change me so extremely that I was unsure of my beliefs as a person, let alone of where I was headed.

We all understand the classic behavioural modifications that come around those ages, we all understand that this is a major growth period and unfortunately sometimes things go wrong in that period. Some things happened that I still can't come to terms with and suddenly that pathway that always seemed certain was no longer in sight.

The only thing to do at that point was to start again, slowly pave the way for a new beginning, when that didn't work the second fall wasn't nearly as terrifying. Things haven't worked out perfectly, but maybe one day I will look back and that will be what made me the person I could be proud of. Who knows, maybe somewhere down a path that I am able to finish I will realise that WAAPA and a student life at Murdoch was never what I wanted after all.

I'll be better when I'm older.

Love is definitely the most complicated of emotions. It takes you by surprise, knocks the wind out of you and absolutely decimates your concentration for anything else. Being in it is completely overwhelming.
I remember a time where none of it mattered, when all I wanted to do was watch football and not even think of things like that. I would sit down with my iPod and delete all the love songs because it just wasn't relevant. I hated being around boys, knowing what they were thinking was a mine field. Eventually they got the message. Then I had years of just being by myself and I liked that much more, then a few failed attempts at relationships, then he came along.
I'm just going to come out and say it. I hated him at first. I really did and I think that's why it is such a big change. Two ends of the emotional spectrum squished into one. But when it's just me and him, everything dissapates until there is just one thing left, I'm not sure what it is quite yet but I'm pretty sure I know where it's going and I am so happy that I found him.

Even the best fall down sometimes.

A couple of days ago I had a relapse. I got to a state that I can happily say that I haven't experienced in two years. Comprehending what got me to that point is hard, a few bad decisions and it was like the last two years was a dream that was so far away I would never make it back there. Unless you have experienced something like this it seems ridiculous that you can let yourself be so absorbed by the darkness, so distraught that the shadows are all you see, but for some of us it's always there. I was lucky that this was just a little slip, that I didn't make any mistakes that I would regret but I know that every chance that I have to change something, every shot that I get to finish something that I started is why I try so hard to push the shadows back. There are reasons for why we are here, whether they be because we were meant to change something or whether we were meant to create something much bigger than us, the reasons are always larger than our problems. I know it's easier to give up and I know that it's simpler to slip away but we belong here. We belong with the people who love us so we can return the favour, maybe one day they will understand what they have done for us but even if they don't, it doesn't diminish the fact that what they did, caring for us when we were so far into the dark that we couldn't even sense someone was there, was heroic and kept us clinging on to what ever we could so that maybe one day we could stand up and the blackness would only be a colour, not a place. This is my thank you.

I'm going to drive until I break down.

So breaking point seems to be a favourite place of mine. I seem to need a frequent flyers card. These things are supposed to make you stronger and in some ways they have, yes I have gone through points and been a shell of a person, but a couple of months later I am usually back on track.
I certainly didn't realise what I had come to until the most trusted and respected person in my life said they expected more from me. Somethings we can't see until it has been pointed out to us, like the fact that my writing sucks if I don't listen to music or that our face isn't really that great with that shade of hair. This was one of those things and if everyone thinks that I am the bad guy, I can take it because I probably was. The thing to remember is, how badly did you hurt someone else? Do you see yourself as that person all the time? No, so don't treat me like I am that person all of the time because I can assure you, I am nothing like I was six months ago let alone a year ago.

Time to Be Your 21.

You were willing to be there for me when I felt like this, I didn't want to admit that I needed anyone. I miss you now. I thought I would be okay. This is me being needy, don't expect me to stay in this space but I am right now. I had everything planned, keep myself busy so I dont think about you, remember who I was without you. But now its gotten to the stage of Grey's Anatomy, cutting my hair and writing. I hope you're happy.

Let me fall.

I backed myself into a corner. I made sure no one could hurt me, but they didn't need to. Anything that they could ever do to me I had already done to myself. Staring at this screen I try to understand what I did wrong. How did I get to this point? Which idiotic moves landed me here? Which decisions made me like this, at this point again? I know I made this bed. I know this was all my fault. I am sorry that I did this and for once I am willing to say I regret it.

Story of a girl.

I don't need you to save me. I am perfectly capable of doing that myself. If you want to be with me along the ride, that's fine, but I do things for myself and I will not lie at your feet expecting you to fix everything.
I've been through a lot in the past couple of years, some of them not at all pleasant, but I made it through them without you before and I will do it again. The fairytale stories about how Prince Charming saves the day are overrated and completely unreasonable. I once believed that one day someone would appear and take me away from the mess I was in, completely illogical but that was what I felt. Discovery of self is much more important that having someone to rely on.
I am not one to admit vulnerability, I have no desire to let anyone know I need them, I don't want myself to become so reliant on a boy that I don't know who I am anymore. This comes off as if I am swearing off men forever, definitely not what I intend to do, but if you think that you can control me because I love you, you have another thing coming. I was my own person today and I will be tomorrow no matter what happens between now and then. That is something that no-one can take away from me.

I only need to know where I am to know where I am going.

Hi All.

So it's been a while since I posted and admittedly, some of the posts have not been up to scratch. Life's been pretty hectic lately and emotions are rampant, but I am going to put my personal problems aside and try to make some better posts. So bare with me for a little while longer, I feel some serious writing coming along, there has been a change in the force :) haha thanks for all the support.
Love from
ReturnLoveToSender.

Days like this I want to drive away.

When you are in a relationship you are suppose to give your all, every part of you. I am in no way an expert, I have very little experience but this is a part that I do know. You need to be able to trust every aspect, to feel comfortable, to be able to have fun with who you're with, feel safe enough to tell them things, you are suppose to be trusting.
We all make decisions we regret, we hurt people we shouldn't have, we choose to do flaming shots and some people even choose to buy crocs, admittedly the crocs are worse than any other decision imaginable, but we live with these choices. I made the decision and now I accept it, that is the way it should go but what if we are no longer happy with the choice we made?

All you're ever going to be is mean.

I learnt to run away from my problems, I learnt to run away from him. I learnt that sooner or later they will forget about you, but I don't want him to forget about me. I want him to remember everything he did. I want to be burned in the back of his mind so he never forgets how cruel and disgusting he was and most probably will always be. People are unpredictable, you never know who is going to hurt you, you never know who you might grow to love, so it's important to be cautious. I'm not saying you should box everyone out and I'm not saying you should give your credit card pin number to someone you've been seeing for a week, but there is an inbetween. I should have been more to the person that ment so much to me. I should have been able to say things more easily.
There are positives and negatives to all relationships, but to all the lousy, insolent, hyper-critical, shells of people I think one line of a song is sufficient.

"Some day I'll be living in a big old city and all you're ever going to be is mean." -Taylor Swift

Ain't No Reason.

We do it everyday. We walk through life but the ghosts of our past follow us every step of the way, reminding us of times we would rather forget. They touch every part of our lives, how we respond to people, whether we look both ways when we cross the road, how long we keep our hand in the fire before we pull away. It is expected that we are hesitant in situations that scare us, but what if these situations are the basis of life? What if at the end of our lives, we play a tape of all the things we have suffered through, the times that we have hurt and we didn't fight when we needed to and we didn't show ourselves respect? I can say all these words now, that I would never let him touch me again, I would never let him near me, but when his ghost breathed life today I shut my eyes and tried to run away, hoping above all hope that he would just let me pass. I'm getting stronger and maybe one day I could smile at him and know that he was nothing to me, that I had faced more than he could comprehend to be able to get to the point where I forgave him. Right now I can't see it ever happening, but maybe one day. My father told me that these things are not about being fair, they're about winning, that one day he will pay for what happened. My mother says Karma will catch up with him. I used to hope that something much more terrible would find him first. My mother believes Karma comes when there is nothing we can do ourselves, my father believes that we control our own fates, I don't know what I believe anymore, all I know is that there is no reason for what happened, it just did and one day I will be able to face it. As I have written before, he has my fear but not my fate.

You're all I wanted.

Indecision is the biggest killer or relationships across the world. If you don't know what you want how are you suppose to tell someone what you need from them? I sat for hours on end weighing up pros and cons, thinking logically about things but in the end it is not a logical decision. I imagined different endings but none of them felt right. Regret is the emotion that plagues us after break ups, regret we got into the relationship in the first place, what you did or the fact that you left it. I can't decide which I regret the most, all of them hurt and I don't want to face a single one. Break ups can be sumed up in two words. They suck.

You won't feel a thing.

He said to trust him and that everything would be fine. He said that no matter what there was nothing anyone could do to rip us apart, to make us unequal. He said a lot of things.
When he found me I was weak, I had no control over my situations, my circumstances. I believed that I chose my path, that I was the reason I was here, that it was all me but the path was made for me, for me specifically apparently. He created my little hell, made it specially for me, made me comfortable just to take it away, gave me a fresh start forged for ruin.
Being in that place, that hole of despiration where he left me, was an experience few would forget. The physical place was nice, a big house, not a home but nice enough, the emotional well being of everyone in that house was drawn into question because of his decisions. He made choices that no one could understand. He chose violence and chemicals, he chose pain and destruction as his bedfellows and from there you cannot turn back.
I wish I could say he only hurt me, but he hurt himself as well, that's what made me stay, that's what made me believe that we could still have a shot, if he stopped hurting himself he could stop hurting me just as easily, it was too much for him to handle and apparently it was too much for me as well.
We left the house, The Pain and Destruction as we used to affectionally call him stayed, he decided that his house would not be left just because he was. P and D had many people stay in that house, all left one way or another, some walking and others not. He chose his path and he followed through, he never turned back when faced with the problems that arose from his decisions. At least he was faithful to his decisions, faithful to his own creations. He had no honour apart from this. Honour is not everything, faith matters little but pain and hurt matter, they matter almost as much as where they came from, love and need. These leave us in pieces, we much choose to pick them up and reconstruct the puzzle, the building plans which we do not see are to be followed, if a mistake is made we go back to the place where the love and need began and once again the cycle will hold us in its grasp. I use to think that he held my life but he was only a messenger of what was to come.

Where the lines overlap.

There are cross roads in everyone's lives, where we cannot choose which way to go. There comes a certain point where there is no right or wrong, just ways. Wandering down the path, you either realise you somehow ended up down the rabbit hole or that there is nothing in the world that could ever make you go back. Other times you feel nothing, you just keep on walking because there are no emotions that you feel, you can't explain it, it just is. We cannot make these paths disappear because the shape and mould us, they make us who we are through decisions and errors that we may later regret, the only problem is if you have amnesia and you can't remember the mistakes, like driving down the same road with different road signs. I remember all important decisions I have made. These memories, they aren't to specific situations, who said what and the sorts, I remember the emotions, the way I couldn't help anyone else let alone myself. These things are to be done by ourselves, no one can help you and no one can save you except your own will. Go through the phases of the emotions, one day they will keep you safe from harm, even if not now.

Safe and Sound.

I used to feel this homesickness, I used to have an ache, like I need something to help me. I felt like the storm wouldn't pass and that I needed strength. To be truthful I didn't want to go by myself into anything that hurt. I always needed someone's helping hand. What do you do when that hand is taken away and the water is rising? We make bad decisions. We say things we don't mean, we hurt the people we shouldn't. When the water calms and the clouds clear you see which road was the right one. Why is it that we never choose the right one?

Part of Me.

There is so much that we can't control, natural disasters, illnesses but what we mess up the things we can control something is wrong. We all get to the stage where enough is enough, some have a lower tolerance than others.

Today a very good friend pointed out to me that if you aren't happy somewhere you should change it. We put too much pressure on ourselves to do everything perfectly and to please everyone else instead of worrying about what is important to us. Saying that behaviour stops today is naive and unrealistic but that doesn't mean that we should put it off.

Sometimes we don't realise what we are dealing with until we talk to someone who is dealing with something much worse. It may hurt now but nine out of ten times the pain will fade. Unless you let the one person go who could have meant everything you need to pick up the pieces and find someone else. You are in control and don't let anyone else tell you differently.