I thought that I heard you laughing.

It's hard to explain why I no longer go to Church, it's not that I don't believe that there is more and it's not that I don't agree with the principles. I think that when I used to go to Church I was a different person, I believed that you could be forgiving, I believed that I didn't need to protect myself from attacks of a certain nature. I thought that going to Church would make people leave the little Christian girl alone. 
I feel like I can't go back because I don't belong there anymore, I don't have any right to be there, I swear, I yell and scream and I'm not that nice girl anymore, I am an angry, outspoken "character" to be polite. I don't believe there is a place for me there anymore.
I know that He doesn't give us more than we can handle, but tell that to the people who are no longer with us.

Counting my foot steps, praying the floor won't fall through.

Don't you think I was too young to be messed with? Everything that he did back then affects me now. Every word he said, every one of those disgusting looks has changed me, I am no longer that innocent little girl who believed the best in people. It means that it will take me years to even have a semi functional relationship. I don't want to kiss anyone because of him, I don't want anyone to stand behind me or play with my hair because of him. The thing that I have to always remember is that it was not my fault that he did this, it was his decision and probably nothing I did would have affected the outcome. It is not your fault if they decide that you are the one they want to torment, I guess we're just unlucky, but that doesn't mean we have to stay that way. I will pick myself up and I will change things, I won't meekly sit down and have everyone else make my decisions for me again, I am stronger now, I am stronger than I expected I would ever become so I guess in someways I owe that to him but I will NEVER say thank you. He has my fear but not my fate.

A liar and pathetic and alone in life.

This one is for all the boys who believe it is okay to blame their girl for everything. 

We make our own choices, it is not her fault you are incapable of making good ones. We choose how we react to situations, she is not forcing you to act like an ass. Break ups are hard, we all know that but how you respond is what shows your character as well as your friends who have simply no idea of social courtesies. The fact that you did not correct them on their behaviour means that you condone it which is an exact reflection on you.
There is no excuse of acting like a twat and worst thing is, you don't even realise it. 

When the fire burns out here, it's brighter than the city lights.

I lost myself for a little while there, I couldn't reach out or say anything. I felt the nothingness invade and capture any thoughts of recovery. That is not who I am and that is not what I believe in but for a moment it felt like if I stopped fighting, everything would be okay, I would just be able to fade, to heal myself in my own way, nothing would collapse and things would just continue. It's hard when people call this giving up, when they say we are selfish and cowards. We are allowed to have moments of doubt, we can wonder about where we are taking ourselves, what troubles we might be able to avoid like pot holes. These are experiences that make us stronger and their judgements are just that. They are peoples personal calls and yes, they hurt and they scar but that is not who we are and that should have no say in who we become. We choose where we go, we make decisions based on what is right for us. We don't all have the same problems so there is no one size fits all in coping. There are some things that we have to go through alone, others can only make decisions for you until you stand up and you take responsibility and you will get it wrong, you will mess up and you will hurt somebody, but if you can get through all of the bad stuff, there is something worth it on the other side.

Don't hold me up now, I can stand my own ground.

Anger only pushes you forward so far. At some stage you have to let get go of it, you have to make the decision to move forward. You need to have faith that you can protect yourself without being aggressive. That's the bit that causes me the most trouble. I'm afraid and hurt by the smallest of things and I let my feelings propel me into situations I could of avoided. Anger only pushed you forward so far. Maybe one day that will actually mean something to me.

This world will never be what I expected.

I woke up and as my eyes opened I knew it was a mistake. I knew I shouldn't have gone back there, I knew no good would come of it. I just had to see it for myself, the place that broke me, the place which tormented me. It looked no different, the roses were still there, the church. A place like that did not deserve a church. It did not deserve a single thing. Walking under the jacaranda trees I still felt like he was watching me, was following me like all those times before. As I walked up the stairs I felt every piece of me fall and shatter. I heard all their favourite words for me, I could feel them playing with my hair, cornering me. I felt the darkness closing in, some things you will never forget and this was etched into my being as much as my name was. I'm not going to say he ruined my life, my life has just begun. He certainly made it harder for me, he made me fearful and empty. I control me now, I am no longer his. He has my fear but not my fate.

Everytime we lie awake.

Once upon a time there was a boy. He said he hated the world. He said nothing ever went his way, that no one loved him, no one cared. He said girls didn't like him, the usual "poor me" crap that seems to be the common line. The depressing Facebook statuses of the world coming down on my head. He wondered why he had no male friends. There is a simple answer to that. Boys don't put up with it, they don't put up with whining, the help me looks and they certainly don't try to help you if you don't help yourself. So stand up, make a change and then we'll talk. Until then, keep playing the poor little girls, keep them believing that they can fix you when really, you love the role of dysfunction and the only ones who talk to you are wistfully dreaming girls who believe you will choose them when really you just love the attention. There are plenty of people willing to do that, just don't count me as one of them.

Is that your ghost or are you really there?

While watching one of my favourite trashy shows, Tough Love in Miami, I came across a problem which almost all of us will encounter, lingering feelings. We all know that the first time that we talk to an ex after a break up things are up in the air, we go through the phase of "Maybe I rushed this break up through," or our forever favourite, "Did I make the wrong choice?" As most of you know, I especially hate it when I make mistakes, even if I can fix them. I guess you have to remember why you ended things, don't romanticize the problems and move forwards. If you can't do that with them, you made the right choice.  

It's better that we break.

Break up season is upon us once again. Get ready for your Facebook to get flooded by notifications. When it comes to times like this always imagine how it started. The theory that most pops into my mind is that one courageous individual finally said goodbye and it encouraged others, so they could all help each other through the process, if even only subconsciously.
How many of our relationship problems are reliant on other people? How many of us listen to others to solve our situations either because we are too scared or because we simply do not know what to do, Lord knows I am one of the second. There is no need to be defensive over this, it is just our nature, we are social beings that are heavily needy. 
Remember these are grumpy times we are living in, people are hurt and angry and no matter what DO NOT SAY YOU SIDE WITH THE EX especially if you are dealing with a girl. She will most likely rip your face off. Be prepared for late night phone calls with sobbing people on the other end and people may think you are carrying around tissues for someone with a cold but really it's for someone who's in a break up, it's much worse and may be contagious.

Give these moments back.

This isn't a passionate post. I feel nothing apart from something tugging on a wire around my ribcage. I feel like there is something tugging but the other side is not attached to anything. Verbalization is not really possible but I hope that there are other people feeling this way. I should stop watching movies right now, I should stop delving into these emotions but I feel as if I need to work through them. All I need is time.