Safe and Sound.

I used to feel this homesickness, I used to have an ache, like I need something to help me. I felt like the storm wouldn't pass and that I needed strength. To be truthful I didn't want to go by myself into anything that hurt. I always needed someone's helping hand. What do you do when that hand is taken away and the water is rising? We make bad decisions. We say things we don't mean, we hurt the people we shouldn't. When the water calms and the clouds clear you see which road was the right one. Why is it that we never choose the right one?

Part of Me.

There is so much that we can't control, natural disasters, illnesses but what we mess up the things we can control something is wrong. We all get to the stage where enough is enough, some have a lower tolerance than others.

Today a very good friend pointed out to me that if you aren't happy somewhere you should change it. We put too much pressure on ourselves to do everything perfectly and to please everyone else instead of worrying about what is important to us. Saying that behaviour stops today is naive and unrealistic but that doesn't mean that we should put it off.

Sometimes we don't realise what we are dealing with until we talk to someone who is dealing with something much worse. It may hurt now but nine out of ten times the pain will fade. Unless you let the one person go who could have meant everything you need to pick up the pieces and find someone else. You are in control and don't let anyone else tell you differently.

Leave out all the rest.

Individual events are easy to judge. If there are no emotional attachments you know exactly what to do, but as soon as feelings get involved all rational reasoning is out the window, though I still always have a sense of what to do, that is til those three words come into play.

It starts with the simple things, you let them get away with staying out nights, hanging out with those girls they KNOW you hate, cancelling plans, you just let it go because in your eyes, you think that since they said the "committment" words that they will be faithful to only you and hey, maybe with some guys that's how it works but the majority, they have different standards.

The next words to come out are the "I think that we could go long term." Those babies really make it hard. You let go the looks at other girls and their gender specific body parts, the you know you would look better if's and the his girl lets him thats, when really that stuff should not go unpunished.

Some girls wake up at the next intersection and get out of the obviously malignant band wagon, others go into a marriage that was never meant to be and then the step further think it's their fault 20 years down the track and he's been having an affair since the dawn of the relationship and maybe partially they are to blame. All the changes start after those three little words. Well there is an appropriate response to that eight letter phrase, same amount of letters too. Go To Hell.

I lost my fear of falling.

The tightrope snaps. Falling through the air everything came back, what it was like before, what it is now. I seem to stop like everything is moving through a thick mollases with no hope of defiance. You can see everything that is happening but you have no hope of stopping it, eventually you will fall victim to the abyss. You just have to make the choice as to whether you let them take you or you go down fighting.

I'm coming back.

There are several things I wish to say. I want to say that I'm close to a break down. I want to say that everything is so complicated that I can't see straight anymore. I want to say that just because you can't see the break it doesn't mean its broken. Things don't make sense at the moment, it's like everything I see is distorted in some way, like I can't decipher something that I created. Welcome to the Danger Days.

Like I did yesterday.

When did everything change so drastically that it seems impossible to imagine how you got here? A life can change in weeks, in days and in minutes. Things fall apart, we find reasons and explanations that sometimes we never wanted to know. People hide all of the things that hurt them and sometimes it is those things and those things only that can heal them to. Emotional change is always an uprooting of all we don't like in ourselves, what we don't like in others and what we realise we can no longer live without. A woman with weeks to live chooses to go sky diving, a man with years of his life left decides to take it and a child never really knew what terminal was until the very end.
As a society we generally don't take notice of others problems, instead we spend all our time absorbed with our day to day dealings. One day someone will reach out to you, all you have to do is make sure you're willing to listen.

Just pull the trigger.

It's hard to describe, hearing the word again, hearing the word he dedicated to me. I can't hear it without extreme inner turmoil. It's not like hearing a pet name like Baby or Love, it's like hearing all your memories at once, all the bad ones. I wish I could say he doesn't even cross my mind, well to be completely fair I don't think it's specifically him anymore, I think it's more what he did that haunts me, to the inner most recesses of my mind, that someone could make me feel so helpless, disgusting and ripped to shreds. Some things will take time to heal, not like a broken leg, some take lifetimes. That one word will be with me forever. It's his word. 

And even though the world keeps turning round.

She was waiting for him, she would never admit it but she was. She was waiting for that person, the one to make her life complete. She wanted to believe that she could make it on her own, that she could have everything and not need anyone to be there to hold her or make her feel safe, after all we should be self sufficient. She wanted to be completely solitary but that was then.

She grew reliant on him, the one thing she swore she would never be. She wanted to know what he was doing, who he was with and if he even missed her. She knew the road she was heading down, the bit where he wasn't part of her life, she was just a miniscule section of his and that without him she wasn't important. Dependence is something that should be avoided at all costs. Once the ball starts rolling there's not much you can do to stop it.

It was no suprise that he left her. She wasn't what he wanted anymore. She couldn't understand how she got from one stage of her life where she was respected, opinionated and held in high esteem to this blubbering needy mess that was all alone. That wasn't what she wanted. The thing is that to get back is twice as hard as the last time, so we stay and we fight, but what are we fighting for? Most people would say you are fighting to regain your pecial someone. But really, it's a fight for yourself. Who are you going to let win?

The day you left was just my beginning.

Something was brought to my attention today. Falling out of love is something that we all must suffer, but it is important to realise, there are two sides.

We don't find the one we love straight away. There are mishaps, casualties and complete and utter mistakes but when you do find that person, the one who it hurts to be away from, that is everything. There is a person who you feel you need, someone you wish would be with you forever and then one day they decide they don't want you. The problem with this is that you still need them. You know you can't call them, but that doesn't mean you don't want to. You know that if you see them it hurts more and that they don't care. Falling out of love is a thing between two people even if one doesn't care anymore.

I remember a point in my life where I thought that I was completely alone and because he didn't love me anymore that there was something I did, the way I looked and the things I liked which made him want to get away from me. I thought that because he wasn't there that I shouldn't be either. It feels like there is nothing else, that nothing is complete, nothing even resembles a layout plan. There are no words. You start to question if they ever loved you in the first place and most of the time they didn't. But which hurts more that he loved and left or that he just left? Maybe both.

Falling out of love is something that we all must suffer, but it's important to realise that today may have been the worst day in your life but tomorrow may be the best, you just have to get there.

Speak Now.

Breathing is most important, but whatever you do, don't hold your breath because you may never get it back. We walk this line taking notice to our age and being a teen, we throw no caution to the wind and we believe we are untouchable. The thing to remember is that everything breaks, from your special mug you had as a child, to your heart, your home and eventually your body. There is a limit to how hard we can push without a returning force we cannot handle.

All our lives we are taught to be better at whatever we do, but there are somethings that we should not get practice at like getting hurt, causing others pain, leaving people behind who should be with us forever. There are so many things that with hindsight would have been an easy decision. There are reasons unknown to us that things happen but that by no means gives us the right not to fight for the things we want, the things we aren't willing to let go of. This is the Ying and Yang. Life will try to crush us and eventually it will but we can't stop fighting just because things get hard. We need to face everything, when it hurts and when it makes us cry, we need to understand that there is a time for all things and we may not know the reason, if there is a reason at all, but we all have some control and it starts with breathing.

Ours.

So yesterday was a day of inspiration. I haven't had a day like that in years. Three people made that day so spectacular that I cant explain. Two of them know my closely and one more intimately than I think I know myself, though ironic since last night was the first night we were ever in the same building. Music reaches us in unimaginable ways and to be around a presence like Taylor Swift was truly overwhelming. The amazement experienced cannot be undone, and even though that may not make sense, it's always going to be the way I remember it, the thirteens, the bridge and being utterly wonderstruck.

Talking about wonderstruck, the two people come from different spheres, one has been with me through the times I have been the sickest, forever there and wonderfully brilliant in difficult situations. People like her are never to be let go because they cannot be replaced and if you think that is even a possibility you are past stupidity. This girl means so much and I am so blessed to be around her and to have her around me.

The other, well he never wanted anything to end up on my blog anyway.