Digging for kryptonite on this one way street.

I feel guilty for things that I haven't done, like some kind of sick payback that he should of gotten. 358 days have gone by. 358 long, pain filled days. Yes, I may miss you, I may still dream about you and I may still cry for you but that is 358 days that mean nothing to anyone anymore. The breakdown of everything still hurts, I still want you but you want nothing from me apart from what I can't give you. Things have been really bad with my family at the moment, things that I used to talk to you about. I keep meeting these people, amazing people who before you came along would have been my dream guys. After you, I don't trust them, yeah I will go swimming with them, I will fall asleep next to them but I won't give them my number and I won't see them again. So maybe I'm not as moved on as I should be but you do not get to judge that and you don't get to ask things of me which you know I can't do. 

It flew away from her reach so she ran away in her sleep.

Within the next month there will be a few reminiscing days, today is my graduation. I have to say, I think this last year has been one of the best I have ever had. I have a great group of girls who support me, through the break ups, the first dates, the goodbyes the stress and most importantly the parties. It's amazing when you go through the whole of high school feeling alone, disenfranchised and horrible about ourselves, then you leave and go and do something you love and you find people who are just like you, people who make it all worthwhile because they appreciate you for your weirdness. I couldn't have made it through this year without them, with all the things that went down, these girls were my life boat. 
When you find that place where you belong, its like you never want to leave. Unfortunately our course only lasted for a year, we only had a year of seeing each other everyday when we had five years of dreading seeing the faces that greeted you from 8:30-3:30 five days a week. I guess it just makes us cherish the time more. 
 

Knowing its the last sunrise.

Belief is what hurts us. Belief that there is something better out there, belief that people can change, belief that there is nothing bad in the dark. You can't explain the darkness, the beings that dwell there, Doubt, Disgrace, Pain. They have minds of their own, calculating manipulation to places of duress. Pain chooses time as its first weapon, narrowing down your chance to catch the sunlight. Disgrace takes away the tiny streams of light that catch in the air by reminiscing, but Doubt sets the wound into over drive. Doubt retraces your step over the past 4 years, every person you gave your phone number to, every boy that you met, every boy you kissed, every friend you ever angered. So when you find yourself sobbing in corner of a room that sees to sun, where the moonlight cannot even penetrate, know it was one of the Three Evils that put you there.

I have problems. I do stupid things that aren't right. I hate myself for it. There is no excuse, there is no way to take it back and I don't respect myself anymore. I'm sorry.

I'll hold as long as you like, just promise we'll be alright.

I wish I had reasons for everything. I like manuals and instructions, I like to know what I am doing is what I am supposed to be doing. I get set in my ways, I like specific things, I believe in things that sometimes don't make sense, but there is always a reason. There is always a reason until I reach the subject of love. I am completely baffled most of the time, I love the wrong people, I put my all into relationships, I believe that it is worthwhile if you feel so close. Love the one you hold, one day they may not love you back anymore.

All I need is a bitter song to make me better.

I just need everything to stop. I need to have time to be sad. I feel my chest collapsing every day now, I feel pointless. I try to convince myself that it's him and not the illness coming back. I don't want it to get bad again, I don't want to be that person. I was shutting down the blog for a while, until the phone calls stopped, until I was able to go out again. I used to reach out for help using this blog, I used to have a love for this site, now I'm so scared and so tired that I keep on losing where I am supposed to be going. I just keep sinking below the surface and into the deep. Those who know me well know this is a Grey's Anatomy time for me, I'm scared that there won't be a way out this time.

I'm really sorry.

Hey all,

Recently some very bad things have been happening in my life, things that are out of my control, usually I would make some posts to try and understand it. Unfortunately writing on this site is perpetuating it so this is going to be the last post for a while until things get sorted out. I'm really sorry to all the regular readers, I will be back but I'm not sure how long it will be. Thanks for the support.

Love 
RTS

Loving you was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street.

I've titled another post with this song. I really needed to make this one too before I start things over with this guy. SO, it was a tumultuous journey, where I think I hated myself as much as I hated him, there was always something that drove me back, an unanswered question, a lingering feeling, a photo. Do you have Pokemon named after her now? Does her dad feel better about you than my dad did? Do you talk to her the way you talked to me in front of him? Do you see your daughter in her eyes now? Did you really think I wouldn't find out how long it was you wanted her for? I feel like crumbling when I think about you, I'm not sure if it's because I lost you or because I lost myself. I found a great Lion King photo on 9gag and I found it funny, whether because that isn't me or because that is so you, I don't know. Sometimes feel like our whole relationship was that amazing goodbye kiss, it wasn't our last but it was spectacular. Sometimes I feel like our whole relationship was me sitting in my room crying. Now, it's nothing. It's okay, it led me to right where I needed to be, it led me to someone who is a bit more experienced and who can understand that I'm not there yet and that I have boundaries and doesn't believe you need to push them every two minutes. Even if things don't work out with him, at least I'm on the right track now, I'm sorry it didn't work with you.

Cause in the world today you can't live in a castle far away

It has been said, "Time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. - Rose Kennedy.

We all wander from the path that was chosen for us, whether in footsteps or in miles. We choose who we become, what we take with us, what we learn. Some take more pleasant memories than sour ones, others delight in the pain but we always take a mix, however one sided they may be. We choose the struggles, maybe not where the begin but we choose when they end and how hard we fight. There is so much in this world we can change, it starts at the beginning, which path you take. Best part is, you can forge a path back to the start and try again, you just have to be willing to take the walk.

I'd like to thank you for your time and try not to waste anymore of mine.

I had the strangest dream last night. I was in bed with one of his best friends. It completely baffles me, maybe I'm feeling guilty because I'm moving on? Because I feel like I am betraying him? I shouldn't, there is no rationality behind it, he is with someone else, I'm allowed to go on dates, I shouldn't feel like I am going behind his back. I cannot believe how much one person can play with someone's head so much.

Let me die where I lie, beneath the curse of my lover's eyes.

Another year has passed. Children are growing up and we are losing loved ones, time keeps moving, it doesn't care that we need some rest, it continues to no end. I wanted to have some inspiration to write tonight, I wanted to be able to write about something meaningful, something worthwhile. All I can think of is nearly a year ago, I fell in love. I keep thinking about what this year will bring, what will happen. Will I find someone else? Probably not, I'm not ready. I'm learning though, trust is something you can never bring back, in friends, relationships or animals. Maybe that's why this is so hard.