I'm going under

Some people invoke so much anger without even lifting a finger. It's the little things in life that make me begin to wonder why I'm here, like seeing a face in a crowd or a car on the freeway, a school emblem or a leavers jacket. All these things can change my mood for the day, tiny insignificant things have control over my life. Since when did we become so consumed with these things, when did they ever matter? There are so many good things in life, so many good things that happen everyday, like knowing that you are loved, that you are cared for, that you are otherwise doing well apart from those day which make you question all your decisions in the past year. Today is one of those days but I'm trying not to let it take control, you know I am trying

Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home.

Maybe I should just stop. I'm not strong enough for this. I can't get these marks and just move on, they stay planted in my head, unmoving, demolishing any past successes. I have no doubt some people would be pleased enough to read this, but no one ever will. I knew this wouldn't be easy and I expected that I would give up, I didn't think I would make it this far to be honest, I expected that I would let the earth swallow me whole after the first assessment. I understand what they are asking, I understand what I need to do, I know which formulas to apply and I make sure I understand it all and yet as soon as that clock starts ticking, I frantically try and throw everything at a question which I know the simple answer to.
It would be so much easier to just go back to a dead end job, go back into the shadows like they would appreciate but I wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment in my father's eyes and I would probably ruin that too.
What if I can't move past this? What if this is all I ever amount to? There isn't a job for me even if I do finish this degree. Realistically, I'm never going to make it in to the vet course, let alone finish it. Why am I so inept? In the morning when I wake up I will either feel better or worse and both things scare me.

Last Warning

I really don't want to have to change my phone number but I will. This is the end of all of this, do not contact me in any way, shape or form, you've done enough already and this needs to stop. Please don't make this any harder than it already is. You have a new person, think about how many people you are hurting by continuing this, stop and move on.

I'm sorry to all the lovely people who read this.

Hi everyone.

Unfortunately I'm shutting down this blog, I need to cut someone out of my life and I can't leave any connections open, maybe one day I will start blogging again but I'm just growing to hate this site because it's tainted by the fact I'm keeping this person in my life. 
So a big thank you to my readers in Russia, the UK, Germany, the USA, France, South Korea, Latvia and Malaysia, it means a lot that I can share with people all over the world and hopefully this site has helped you to release some negativity, it sure has helped me.

With huge amounts of love,
Return Love To Sender

So hold the one you can have in the sweet arms of a tune.

I've been trying to think with a clear head. It's something I used to be great at, it seems I have lost that talent somewhere along the way. I guess I keep coming back to a couple of things, you don't treat someone you love like crap. I was giving the boy who means the world to me a chance to prove that we could do this, that we could be a couple again. To find out that they just threw it back in my face when I risked so much for them is something that I just can't get passed. I would never do to him what he has done and I think it's time to find someone who will say they love me, that they want to care for me, only me and mean it.

One day, she found that little bit of something.

Every day I feel myself slipping further away from who I am, who I want to be and who I love. I feel like I need answers but I know that no good will come of that. You cannot love two people at once, he cannot love me and her, he cannot expect me to live with that. I want to believe that this is just a fight, that he is still the boy I fell in love with, still wants me and only me. From all the things that have happened, I now understand what this is all about. He wants to have the best of everything, he strings girls with low self esteem along, more than one at once, whether there is malicious intent there is not the point but the fact that it happens continually it means that any girls involved should get out. It hurts more than words to be a pawn, especially when he knows how I have been used. 
You want to know why? You KNOW why, look inside yourself, at all the things you did and don't think I know about. You have your answer right there.

Now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing

You always think I won't find out, you play your little games, you use me and then you figure that everything works out for you. Don't say you love me and then say you love her behind my back, you love covering your bases, one chick didnt work out but that's okay, the next one is only a phone call away. I had a chance tonight but I told myself I love him and he loves me so I can work it out. You tricked me yet again, have you had enough yet?

You said this hill looks far too steep.

I constantly struggle with my perception of right and wrong. I believe that you should help everybody, even if it is to your own detriment, I believe that you should do it, you shouldn't say they need help and wait for someone else to pick up the slack. The people who know me personally understand that I feel this way, they say that I should value my own health as well, I'm starting to understand what they mean. I'm so close to the edge because someone I love is slipping and I have to let them live their own life. I can't sleep because I'm worried, they keep telling me to let go because I'm about to go down with the sinking ship and if there is a survivor it won't be me. 
I don't blame you, you did what was best for you. You needed her there to calm you down, you needed those things tonight to make you feel better. You are doing what you need to do, I understand that. 
That's why I have to do what is best for me.

I couldn't tell you, what she felt that day.

I am great at talking in abstract terms, I try my hardest not to be tied down by specifics. I hate the fact that my future is uncertain in terms of studying, I hate the fact that I can't trust people, I can't believe that they love me, that they even find me remotely interesting when there is a comparison to be made to who was there previously. It is like my life is ridiculing me, drawing me in only to spit out my twisted self afterwards. Most of my good memories are tainted by taunts I have received, that I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough or normal enough. There are three things in life we all crave, to be loved, to be safe and to never be alone.

Breathing in snow flakes.

I had a visitor in my head again today. She was far from silent, she leaned in to taunt me at everything I did. "You will never be good enough for him, you could never give him what I do." The jeering was incessant, it was at every turn. "You know how much more he liked being with me, I'm prettier, I'm skinnier and I'm much smarter than you." She was sweetly smiling while she watched me crumble, while she forced me to make a mistake. She forced me to turn at him. I wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't close and so I lashed out, I wanted to make him hurt. I'm not proud of it, he made choices when I wasn't in the picture and he shouldn't have to suffer through me dealing with them. There are some things that I just can't let go of.

She circled my thoughts all day, she wanted to make sure that I knew who he would always belong to. She will always have parts of him I will never have and I will always have hate in me for that reason. I can't bring myself to give him the relationship he wants and I don't know if I ever will. There are some things you just can't change and she will always be sitting there in my head, making sure that it never leaves me for too long, making sure I know what is hers.

It's clear now, I know you're going to leave me, so disappear now, I won't get in your way.

There is no point in trying to put this eloquently. You hurt me and I hurt you. Putting that in the past tense makes it feel better but it's never going to stay in the past tense is it? We are always going to be hurting from what happened, we are always going to remember a phone call or a text or a Skype conversation that broke us apart. You're right, it would be easier for me if you just cheated and we were over instead of me always worrying that's what you are doing, always being afraid when you get a text or a Facebook message that it will be someone else again and that your response will be, "We're just friends, I'm a natural flirt, it doesn't mean anything." It's getting close to the only thing I think of now. You are always going to be afraid that I will see you, get home and change my mind about what the right thing to do is, it's always going to stick with you, I can see it in your eyes every time we say goodbye, it makes me think it would be easier for you if I did just that, then we could both move on instead of staying in this state of angst. I don't know if we can be us again, there are certainly some parts I don't want back and most of our relationship is arguments, let's face it, you wouldn't be with me if you didn't like a fight. So I'm afraid that because I haven't heard from you all day, you've done something. I don't know what or why but something is wrong.

Are we too young, our heads too strong?

I found myself once again staring into the abyss. I could feel the wind, teasing me, swaying me towards the edge. I looked down into the darkness, past the shattered glass, the broken rocks and sand down to the bottom, though I could not see the ground I knew it was there, waiting, calling. There are times when the only thing that matters is the free fall, though you lose control through the middle, the jump was yours and when you once again greet the earth, it was your choice.

Nothing more than empty sheets.

There once was a girl who fell in love. She felt the butterflies, she felt safe and she felt at home. Then they got married, had a beautiful baby girl and lived happily ever after.

Now seriously, when was the last time that happened? The bit to remember about love is the falling, you expect someone to catch you, someone to soften the landing, most cases, there is not a soul to be seen. I'm a little bit too young to be a cynic and it sounds terribly condescending but you only need to feel it once, more than that borders on masochism. 

I guess every time we expect to have a different ending, a storybook ending. Life isn't a fairy tale, it isn't cleanly cut and nicely worded, it's the floor being ripped out from under you, it's being singed by the flame and the subsequent mind numbing pain. The waves of regret will claim you, they will call you their own, make you their punching bag and it is almost impossible to rise above and breathe fresh air, but when you do? I can't explain how much it means, when you feel it, you'll know. The end just isn't coming quickly this time. Loving a boy but not being able to handle them is quite probably the hardest dilemma some of us will face. Luckily enough, it looks like he is choosing for me this time, it hurts like what I would imagine an Uchiha Sharingan would provide. If only life was as simple as anime, it hurts and then you die.

When I was younger I saw my Daddy cry and curse at the wind.

Coming to terms with the mortality of your idol is hard. It hurts to imagine the person you hold so much faith in becoming tarnished by life, slowly losing their independence. Coming to terms with the fact that they can be broken, they can be overcome and they can be knocked down is like the end of being a child, growing up and realising that even the mighty will one day fall. My father is my role model, he is everything that I want to be, he is the greatest man I have and will ever know. When girls say they are best friends with a parent it is usually their mother. My mother and I are very close but we have different personalities. My father and I are quite similar, I tell him everything, he almost always returns that trust but lately he's been quieter than normal which means near silence. Though we don't often have outright conversations with lavish linguistics, we tend to know what the other is thinking. I don't know whether the change is because I am getting older or whether things are worse than I imagined. I guess I'm just very worried about the stable person in my life and I want all these tests to come back with good results. I'm still my Daddy's little girl and I don't want anything bad to happen.

Let's face it, this was never what you wanted.

I've been in a lot of pain recently, so today, being forced by my family, I went and got some help. Help sucks, it hurts like hell, why would anyone want to get help if all consists of is more pain? I taught myself the deal with most physical pains, it makes you a stronger person, mental pain is much worse in my opinion, more destructive and corrosive than any broken bone. I've been so exhausted recently, I guess I'm always tired but I need so much more energy than I have. I love my job, I love my friends and I love playing music. I don't want to have to choose but I know which one goes if push comes to shove.

Down where the city meets the sea.

How long does it take for a heart to break? In my experience, its about a tenth of a second. The amount of time it takes to rebuild? It can take a lifetime. You hear about the women who lost their newly wedded husbands in the war, the ones who never moved house, never changed their rooms and never found another person to go through life with, they never truly heal. 

I don't know whether morals are different in these days or whether we are simply more connected to the world around us, whether we are able to contact others with similar experiences and be able to move on together or we just don't understand the partnership or immense feelings of love. 

I believe it is a bit of both, that we are able to connect and progress with another and that we don't see love as a once in a lifetime thing like they did back then, we imagine it as a kind of let's see how far we can take this sort of thing. I don't know which one is proper because time has moved on, what I hope is that even though we live in a different era the intensity, the meaning, is still the same.

Is this the way our story ends?

In the past month I've been making changes. I have been swimming more than I have in the past three years combined, spent more time listening to my angst-ridden teenage music and ultimately been happier. Unfortunately with more changes there comes more anxiety, the nervous wreck has returned but luckily I have a new gaming buddy so it isn't as bad as it could be. The good thing about getting so wound up is that I can devote all my time to shooting aliens that are clearly aliens, not hidden as friends like out in the real world. Why the world makes it so hard to pick foe from friend boggles me but I guess every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. I hope that soon the dark cloud goes away, if it doesn't then maybe I will take a step back but if I want to be me again, this is what I need to do. Because someone forgot an important day, I guess that means I'm free, that was all I needed to know.

 

All you wanted to do was dance.

I hate it when I hear about the two of them are the perfect couple and that they are happy. It's great for them, I know what it's like to find the right person. I don't know how to say this but hearing that she is like me, but a better version to suit him, I don't know how I feel about that, whether I'm happy or really hurt. I guess it's a bit of both. At least I have finally come to admit that I don't need him, despite what my mind is telling me, I think it helps when you find the one you've wanted to be with since you were a kid. There is no way that it would work but I think sometimes all you need to do is remember a person who also used to give you the butterflies, just without the feeling of being completely massacred in your heart by the end. Making a commitment to no more musicians is called for I believe because I can't give up on the redhead part.

Like a heart beat drives you mad.

My mind likes to play these lovely little tricks on me. It likes to give me flashbacks of times I would give anything to forget. I'm not as strong as I like to believe, I crumble when faced with the silliest things. I guess feelings never really go away, no matter how deeply in your psyche you try to bury them. The worst part is knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. There are things you simply cannot erase, things that will stay with you forever. Changing the way you look, the way you act, the way you speak, does nothing to wipe the slate clean, its just reminds you of who you were, who you should be. I once believed that you could wake up one morning and feel better, just like that. Luckily some people broke my ideals of innocence.

Even when the music's gone.

I don't know how I got to this place. I don't know how this happened. Why did he become such a big part of me? The thing that gets me is that if she and I were in a room together, he would pick her, hands down. I can't keep telling myself that I can move on while still loving him. I need to get a grip, I can't keep getting butterflies when I get messages from him and then get angry at myself for it. A friend told me if I thought things were going to be different, if I didn't think that the same problems would keep coming up, if I believed that love was enough, that I should give in and go after him.
I know what happens down that road, I know exactly who would come out on top. I'd end up hating myself and ending up where I did three years ago, with no voice, no freedom, just art class, routine and nothingness, if I was lucky. The sadness isn't going away, I can't make it go away, normally I would say I miss the old me. I don't know who that person is, I don't know whether that was another thing I was trying to convince myself of, being a strong and loving person.
I guess this isn't about him at all. I guess that this is about the fact that there is nothing to me but this empty, burned down house that used to be my most sacred cathedral. I don't have anything inside anymore, I don't know how to come back from this, I don't even know if I want to. I'm so tired of trying to stay afloat, trying to show everyone how much better I'm doing because I'm not doing any better at all.

Here I go, I'll tell you what you already know.

I'm sitting here infuriated with myself. I don't know what I want. I guess you made the choice for me. I just need to shut my eyes and forget but all I see is you. I need to believe there is someone out there who loves me like you love her, I need to believe in something. I thought I saw a day where we could try again, where things worked. I guess it was just a glimpse in the rear view mirror. Remember the night that I called you clingy? You drove that car so fast I thought we were both going to die. I suppose I should remember you like that instead of the boy who I loved with all my heart, maybe that will make this easier. So I'm making the decision to stop this blog altogether. It use to be mine but I think it's turned out to be ours and given there is no us, it just hurts too much and keeps ripping out the stitches so I can't forget.

I'll never be your chosen one.

I thought that you would protect me from this. All I ever wanted was for you to protect me even if it was just from myself. I used to think that you made some stupid decisions but you were going to do the right thing in the end. Unfortunately it seems I am more wrong than right these days. It hurts because after you spend some time with Simba, you don't care about me anymore so think about that before you contact me again.

Digging for kryptonite on this one way street.

I feel guilty for things that I haven't done, like some kind of sick payback that he should of gotten. 358 days have gone by. 358 long, pain filled days. Yes, I may miss you, I may still dream about you and I may still cry for you but that is 358 days that mean nothing to anyone anymore. The breakdown of everything still hurts, I still want you but you want nothing from me apart from what I can't give you. Things have been really bad with my family at the moment, things that I used to talk to you about. I keep meeting these people, amazing people who before you came along would have been my dream guys. After you, I don't trust them, yeah I will go swimming with them, I will fall asleep next to them but I won't give them my number and I won't see them again. So maybe I'm not as moved on as I should be but you do not get to judge that and you don't get to ask things of me which you know I can't do. 

It flew away from her reach so she ran away in her sleep.

Within the next month there will be a few reminiscing days, today is my graduation. I have to say, I think this last year has been one of the best I have ever had. I have a great group of girls who support me, through the break ups, the first dates, the goodbyes the stress and most importantly the parties. It's amazing when you go through the whole of high school feeling alone, disenfranchised and horrible about ourselves, then you leave and go and do something you love and you find people who are just like you, people who make it all worthwhile because they appreciate you for your weirdness. I couldn't have made it through this year without them, with all the things that went down, these girls were my life boat. 
When you find that place where you belong, its like you never want to leave. Unfortunately our course only lasted for a year, we only had a year of seeing each other everyday when we had five years of dreading seeing the faces that greeted you from 8:30-3:30 five days a week. I guess it just makes us cherish the time more. 
 

Knowing its the last sunrise.

Belief is what hurts us. Belief that there is something better out there, belief that people can change, belief that there is nothing bad in the dark. You can't explain the darkness, the beings that dwell there, Doubt, Disgrace, Pain. They have minds of their own, calculating manipulation to places of duress. Pain chooses time as its first weapon, narrowing down your chance to catch the sunlight. Disgrace takes away the tiny streams of light that catch in the air by reminiscing, but Doubt sets the wound into over drive. Doubt retraces your step over the past 4 years, every person you gave your phone number to, every boy that you met, every boy you kissed, every friend you ever angered. So when you find yourself sobbing in corner of a room that sees to sun, where the moonlight cannot even penetrate, know it was one of the Three Evils that put you there.

I have problems. I do stupid things that aren't right. I hate myself for it. There is no excuse, there is no way to take it back and I don't respect myself anymore. I'm sorry.

I'll hold as long as you like, just promise we'll be alright.

I wish I had reasons for everything. I like manuals and instructions, I like to know what I am doing is what I am supposed to be doing. I get set in my ways, I like specific things, I believe in things that sometimes don't make sense, but there is always a reason. There is always a reason until I reach the subject of love. I am completely baffled most of the time, I love the wrong people, I put my all into relationships, I believe that it is worthwhile if you feel so close. Love the one you hold, one day they may not love you back anymore.

All I need is a bitter song to make me better.

I just need everything to stop. I need to have time to be sad. I feel my chest collapsing every day now, I feel pointless. I try to convince myself that it's him and not the illness coming back. I don't want it to get bad again, I don't want to be that person. I was shutting down the blog for a while, until the phone calls stopped, until I was able to go out again. I used to reach out for help using this blog, I used to have a love for this site, now I'm so scared and so tired that I keep on losing where I am supposed to be going. I just keep sinking below the surface and into the deep. Those who know me well know this is a Grey's Anatomy time for me, I'm scared that there won't be a way out this time.

I'm really sorry.

Hey all,

Recently some very bad things have been happening in my life, things that are out of my control, usually I would make some posts to try and understand it. Unfortunately writing on this site is perpetuating it so this is going to be the last post for a while until things get sorted out. I'm really sorry to all the regular readers, I will be back but I'm not sure how long it will be. Thanks for the support.

Love 
RTS

Loving you was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street.

I've titled another post with this song. I really needed to make this one too before I start things over with this guy. SO, it was a tumultuous journey, where I think I hated myself as much as I hated him, there was always something that drove me back, an unanswered question, a lingering feeling, a photo. Do you have Pokemon named after her now? Does her dad feel better about you than my dad did? Do you talk to her the way you talked to me in front of him? Do you see your daughter in her eyes now? Did you really think I wouldn't find out how long it was you wanted her for? I feel like crumbling when I think about you, I'm not sure if it's because I lost you or because I lost myself. I found a great Lion King photo on 9gag and I found it funny, whether because that isn't me or because that is so you, I don't know. Sometimes feel like our whole relationship was that amazing goodbye kiss, it wasn't our last but it was spectacular. Sometimes I feel like our whole relationship was me sitting in my room crying. Now, it's nothing. It's okay, it led me to right where I needed to be, it led me to someone who is a bit more experienced and who can understand that I'm not there yet and that I have boundaries and doesn't believe you need to push them every two minutes. Even if things don't work out with him, at least I'm on the right track now, I'm sorry it didn't work with you.

Cause in the world today you can't live in a castle far away

It has been said, "Time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. - Rose Kennedy.

We all wander from the path that was chosen for us, whether in footsteps or in miles. We choose who we become, what we take with us, what we learn. Some take more pleasant memories than sour ones, others delight in the pain but we always take a mix, however one sided they may be. We choose the struggles, maybe not where the begin but we choose when they end and how hard we fight. There is so much in this world we can change, it starts at the beginning, which path you take. Best part is, you can forge a path back to the start and try again, you just have to be willing to take the walk.

I'd like to thank you for your time and try not to waste anymore of mine.

I had the strangest dream last night. I was in bed with one of his best friends. It completely baffles me, maybe I'm feeling guilty because I'm moving on? Because I feel like I am betraying him? I shouldn't, there is no rationality behind it, he is with someone else, I'm allowed to go on dates, I shouldn't feel like I am going behind his back. I cannot believe how much one person can play with someone's head so much.

Let me die where I lie, beneath the curse of my lover's eyes.

Another year has passed. Children are growing up and we are losing loved ones, time keeps moving, it doesn't care that we need some rest, it continues to no end. I wanted to have some inspiration to write tonight, I wanted to be able to write about something meaningful, something worthwhile. All I can think of is nearly a year ago, I fell in love. I keep thinking about what this year will bring, what will happen. Will I find someone else? Probably not, I'm not ready. I'm learning though, trust is something you can never bring back, in friends, relationships or animals. Maybe that's why this is so hard.