The Right Time

I used to hate being right. It meant that something bad was going to happen. It meant that the boy that I loved had done something that I expected but that made us fall apart. It used to mean that I would be covered in torment and disappointment. I hated it, I hated what I had become and the fact that I thought I needed to be like that for someone to love me. I stayed because I thought no one else would ever love me. Now that I'm older I see that what he felt for me was not love. It was a misguided attempt of feeling. I thought, maybe if we break up again, he would see that what he was doing hurt me and that he SHOULDN'T be doing that. Instead, it just meant he got better at hiding things from me.
Life's different now. This boy is my world. Never once have I felt the way that I did a year ago. I have never felt like I meant nothing to him, that I was disposable. I have never felt so loved by another person. I have never felt so lucky to have found someone. He's the first person I think of when I wake up and the last one I think of before I fall asleep. I wear his ring and I feel like he's with me everywhere I go. It makes me feel safe and reminds me that even on my worst days, there is something wonderful in my life. I had a bit of a breakdown last week, inconsolable crying and shutting myself away, I called him and he made me laugh. Not only this, he stayed on the phone with me until I was better, even though he had other things to do. I love him more than words can explain and even though he deserves better, I'm glad he chose me.

Now, I love being right. I was right when we met and I thought this could be the guy I could see myself staying with.

It's time

So I'm thinking it's been long enough for me to put this blog back online. It's nearly been a year and so much has changed in that time, I'm studying what I love, I'm healthier, I have a boy who I love to pieces and I'm making progress. I regret having to put this blog on private anyway, this is MY outlet, I shouldn't have to put what I love on hold because of someone else. 
So my writing isn't going splendidly. I haven't had a reason to write but I've been thinking that maybe going back online would give me some inspiration again.

The last something that meant anything.

They shouldn't have to give you a reason to stay, you should know. I don't feel like he would fight to keep me and he shouldn't have to fight to keep me. I should want to stay, most definitely with no doubts in my mind. It's not that I want to leave. It's that I don't feel the need to stay. My life carries on like normal when I don't see him. I don't miss talking to him throughout the day, I don't miss anything really. It's comfortable. Comfortable shouldn't be a bad thing. I need to push for something, whether it's uni or whether it's music or whether it is him, I need something.

Is no longer there

How could I have been so absolutely stupid? How could I have been so idiotic to not know what was going on? When he got so worried when I mentioned her name, when he froze every time I told him that I got a drunk phone call. I'm just so ANGRY with myself and it makes me wonder, what if it happened with MSAS? Would I know? Would I have an inkling of an idea? I like to think that I would but I can't be sure. At least I can be sure of one thing, MSAS would NEVER do that to me, he cares about me, the last one NEVER did.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Life is undoubtedly magical, whether brilliantly so or not, it moves so swiftly through stages. Sometimes in the morning, you wake up completely blank, mournfully so. It feels like whatever you do doesn't make a difference, by tomorrow all signs of you will be erased. It feels like no one will ever know how much you meant to someone, how much they meant to you. These blank stages of your life are spell binding in the way you can go through the most emotive situations and wake up the next morning with no second thought to it. A stage like this can be a blessing, it can also mean the best part of your life passes you by.

Some days it takes every breath, every heart beat just to keep yourself from weeping. There is an uncontrollable amount of sadness that completely confounds you. I find these moments, these inexplicable sorrows, are a way to let go. These moments are when you stop fighting, you let the tide take you whole. The sea of memories are comfortable for a while, they lap at your mind, almost pleadingly until they engulf you fully.

Once the sea has you, there is no turning back. Your lungs fill with the wispy tendrils of moments already lived, already lost. You feel the weight of your body disintegrating, all the parts of you that once mattered, you relinquish your ownership of them and they drift away to join the sea. Slowly you aren't even a being anymore, you're just a drop in the sea.

There are dreams that cannot be.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be in love and yet forget the past. I want to show my sun and stars that this is what I want, I just need some help and direction. I'm so afraid of making a mistake and disappointing him. He already thinks I don't trust him. I tried to explain that it's not about him, it's just how I've been for a long time and the last time I let my guard down, things were broken that are still healing.
I don't know how to please him, I don't know how to make him understand. I had hoped that it would be simple, clearly a naive assumption but yet, I really believed it was true. This relationship is not alike anything else I've been a part of. I know this boy is loyal, he cares, he knows what he's doing and he has morals. I don't know how to deal with such qualities in a boyfriend. I need to stop comparisons. My sun and stars is one of a kind. I need to believe in that if nothing else.