SURPRISE! No song lyrics as a title, mostly because this is personal..

One day I looked next to me and you weren't there anymore. I don't really know how I felt about it, I missed you I think but you can never really be sure whether it's the person or the role they play. To be honest I don't think that I have ever met someone like you, you make jokes at really inappropriate times but then you can be the best guy I could ever imagine. I think this is a good space to be in, past upset and being appreciative. Maybe one day we could be friends again, you think? Being friends with you is much better than being in a relationship with you and not talking to you at all. But thing is I don't think you read this blog anymore so I may not have to back any of this shit up. Either way is good with me.

I'll bring your words along with me, maybe one day they will mean something.

Today has been a day of panic, losing something close to me, having to touch ferrets and discovering things that were better left unknown. Admittedly the second doesn't sound like it fits but I swear to God they give me the creeps.
There are somethings better left in the dark, never to be discovered because they are just no good for people. There's something in your mind that tells you to stop looking, to turn back but of course most of us don't listen. I am the first to admit that I feel the need to know everything, I need to understand why things happen and what an appropriate response is. Sadly some things do not have an appropriate response. Some things hit you so hard that you have no response at all. 

I wish that I could compile my experiences, the things that I did badly, the things that were successful so that other people like me would know what to avoid, but there are some decisions that cannot be made for us, we have no right to force changes on another person just because we think we know what's best, we might, but that isn't the point. No one could help me deal with my issues, no one can still, but they can help me through them, just like I can help other people, I can't tell them to cut ties or to get rid of something that is weighing them down, that is their decision entirely, but I can help them to pick up the pieces and help them to get through the pain and to the next day.

It sounds weird but anyone who has been through something similar will understand that just getting through 30 seconds of conversation without crying or shutting people out is an achievement, walking into a restaurant and not having to sit with your back to the wall is a big step forward. It's the little things, being able to go for a walk by yourself, being able to sit in a room with other people and be absolutely calm, these are the things that most people take for granted. These are the things that make us feel like we belong and these are the things we aspire to. 

When all those shadows almost killed your light.

There are always going to be days that overwhelm us. There are always going those times where you think things would be easier if you just stopped. Someone very close to me is going through that right now. We all have our own paths to travel and no one can do it for us, so when it gets harder, when it feels like you can't break through walls, you can't keep fighting, remember there are people who love you, who would do anything for you not to feel like this.
This is one of the first times I have been on the other end, I understand what happens next, the procedures and protocols, the doors that only go one way, I know what comes next. It's not pleasant and it hurts like hell, but if you can get through that part, if you can stand up and see something worth staying for, you can make it to the horizon and you can keep going, you can accept that it this was what you needed and it's not necessarily being thankful, but being grateful that you had help when you needed it. One day at a time, that's all that you need to do.

All that remains is a place where you no longer are.

It's hard to explain why I feel at peace again. It's hard to verbalize the fact that I didn't lose anything, that I didn't leave a single part of me in this boy's hands. I'm still me this time. I am still the same person that I was before and even though I don't like the person that I am right now, it's a relief to see that I am still there, not shattered and splintered. For the first time in a while I feel calm, like nothing can make me falter unless I let it. I have some control over what's going to happen with my life. There is a big difference between having control and being in control. You'd think by this point that must be my favourite word with the amount I use it, to be honest most of my life I have drifted from place to place trying to change things, to be remembered so that I could remember what I like about myself for when the Dark Times come. I remember to keep me holding on, that I still have a difference to make, and I do. I won't stop fighting just because I hit a wall. All that I have to do is to move through it.

I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left.

This is about pushing forward, through the hard times, through the months of struggling against the tide. Things will never be perfect, you will always need to fight, to prove that you can change things, that you are better than you were. Pushing through the crap that we have to go through is what makes us stronger, more resilient and adaptable. It's hard to move on, to accept that things happen and you can't change them, remember the past, but learn from it, protect yourself, but not everyone is going to hurt you.
Remembering the past has it's place but you can't spend forever loving a ghost.

I awoke, only to find my lungs empty.

Having no idea where your life is heading is scary, you don't know whether you are running straight into the fire or whether things will turn out. Questioning things is the way I figure out where my path lies, maybe I rely on it a bit too much, but I would never be able to trust that everything would be okay again. I need to have an out, always and forever, like sitting in a position within a restaurant where I can see everyone, I can monitor the exits and I always know that I can control where I go if not what I do. 
Moving forward is something that we all strive for, to let the current pull us back even at the slightest rate would be deeply alarming. Though I am always guarding my back, I am making changes, I am trying my best not to be full of aggression and anger, yelling is not going to change the past even if it alleviates the tension for a little while. 
Trust and control are two things I talk about a lot. You crave it when you don't have it like you wouldn't believe, but maybe all of this is about letting go, what if the whole point of life is to just exhale and see where you end up. It's trial and error and if you're lucky, you won't regret it.

If happy ever after did exist...

So it's been a pretty rough couple of days. I can't really explain the unease I am feeling. It's like before a roller coaster drops, you get this feeling of impending doom, you aren't completely sure that your harness is properly locked. I can see the thunderstorm heading my way, I just can't see what's in the eye of the storm. I know that he can't hurt me anymore, but that doesn't mean that there aren't more like him. Meeting new people is scary for me, I'm afraid that they will discover everything, that they will decide that they can manipulate me. All I can do is sail out to the middle of the ocean, into the centre of the storm and wait for it to pass, to prove that I can survive it.

You say you don't wanna know where this road goes.

Though I am completely over my past relationship, I still feel the after effects. Things scatter and you don't find them until much later, like a bottle of Coca-Cola and it makes you think of everything, the mistakes you made, the people you hurt but the thing is, this is a learning curve, that does not give your friends the right to abandon you for some mistakes you made. I know that most people say that they probably weren't your friends anyway but that is absolute crap. They just don't like you enough to over look it. The thing that pisses me off the most is all the stuff that they do wrong that I just let go. Reciprocity is not any of their fortes to say the least. There are a couple of things that I know to be true about myself, I have a passion for dogs but if a standard poodle comes my way you see me run like a little girl, I bake when I am upset and I hate when people take for granted the things that I do for them. I don't have to stay up and make cupcakes for you, nor do I have to help you with your homework, I don't have to stand up for you when people say mean things about you but I do because that's the way friends are suppose to show each other they care. Thing is, it hurts that you guys aren't around but it's not the end of the world. So thanks for a couple of mediocre years of friendship on your part, but I can live without it.

Doing things we haven't for a while.

When I look back on the last five months, some crazy stuff has happened. As usual it's full of regrets and full of things that I would never take back, loaded with "How could I ever drink that much?" and "I really quite like whiskey" and "Why did I think that was EVER a good idea?". Truth is, it's been a really good experience, of different things that I hadn't imagined for myself. Of course there have been a few red headed boys who popped up here are there, like that's new and arguments with people I should have said sorry about, but I think that somethings have changed. I learnt, begrudgingly, that I can be wrong and that I need to chill aggression wise sometimes. You see last night I did something that for years has been foreign to me. I actually was nice to someone the first time I met them. The part which was surprising was the fact that he had a Y chromosone and the crazy part is it didn't hurt. You know, coz us socially awkward freaks need to stick together. I thought I found someone this year, in reality it was just a glimpse of what I have yet to discover. Life's a journey and if you can't enjoy the ride, grab the wheel and change where your destination lies.

This beautiful place isn't everything they say.

You never really think about the people who had been in that relationship role before you. You certainly don't like to think of the people who had been in that relationship role after you. I started to think about that today, about how much of a grudge I hold against those people who tried to take what was supposedly mine. These new girls and boys I may have been particularly close to if it hadn't of been for the fact that they were with someone I once had a special fondness for. One girl was one of my best friends, we made this stupid pact that I would help her with the guy that she liked if she helped me with mine. Someone told her that I was trying to get with her guy and she became infuriated with me. The thing was I cared to much about my boy to even consider hers. We sorted things out and then she did get with my boy. For that I have never forgiven her, for that small a thing. To be honest it wasn't that I thought I actually had a chance with him but the fact that she was so hypocritical. It makes me think about who he's with now, who all of them are with. Are they happy? I can tell you one thing for certain, nothing is as simple as it seems.

You're just as far in as you'll ever be out.

Being a teenager, your life can go almost anywhere based on a group of choices. Immediately most people minds picture which University you choose or what course to enroll in. The majority think of whether to stay in their small towns or tackle a much rougher world outside their city limits. These were all things I imagined for myself when I was younger. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would apply for WAAPA or study forensic archaeology, it never occurred to me that things between the ages of 12-17 would change me so extremely that I was unsure of my beliefs as a person, let alone of where I was headed.

We all understand the classic behavioural modifications that come around those ages, we all understand that this is a major growth period and unfortunately sometimes things go wrong in that period. Some things happened that I still can't come to terms with and suddenly that pathway that always seemed certain was no longer in sight.

The only thing to do at that point was to start again, slowly pave the way for a new beginning, when that didn't work the second fall wasn't nearly as terrifying. Things haven't worked out perfectly, but maybe one day I will look back and that will be what made me the person I could be proud of. Who knows, maybe somewhere down a path that I am able to finish I will realise that WAAPA and a student life at Murdoch was never what I wanted after all.