Sink back into the shadows.

This blog has been ruined by a boy. Well, that's half true. He broke me so I broke this thing that I had going. So I don't know what to do with this page anymore. I can't write about love, I don't really believe in it anymore. I can't write about hope because that flew out the window about a month ago. I can't write about music because I can't listen to anything without him tainting it. The one the I can write about it fractured pieces of soul which someone decides to set on fire because making them splinter wasn't enough. That's okay though, I have a plan but being in a relationship is no where in sight. Next time I will listen to everyone around me. That boy was a complete waste of my time and love that someone else deserved.

All this time I was wasting.

The only man that you can trust is your dad. All the other boys just let you down. They hurt you, they try to break you and then they say that was never their intention. I for one, call bull. You cannot trust them, they only care for themselves, they only look out for themselves, they say sorry but they don't know what the word even means. If you repeat something uncountable times you are NOT sorry. Boys lie, cheat and completely rip apart your view of yourself. Don't you think once was enough? Don't you think tipping my world upside down caused distress? You don't get to clear your conscience. You don't get to feel better. You get to feel horrendous just like me.

I can't breathe.

It's irrational and unreasonable, but I still hope to wake up and see him next to me, for us to be us again, without any of the stupid mistakes, without the hurt, just us. It's them now, not us. It's their time and I need to deal with it. He chose her, he wants her and I want him to be happy, I don't want him to hurt anymore, I want him to have his love of life back, I want him to be the boy I met, the boy I fell in love with and the one who I miss indescribably. I wish I was the thing that made him happy. I only want what is best for him.

I was meant for you.

I can't remember our last kiss, I can remember it was a Saturday, it had to be, but I don't remember it. I remember every inch of him, as if he were an extended part of me. I remember him trying to explain what an N-64 was, a concept which I still find vague, I remember how he used to hold me, how I used to wait until he let go before I hugged back. I suppose that was me proving I wasn't vulnerable, the biggest lie I tell myself daily. He is my vulnerability, you want to see me cry? Bring up his name. You want to see me completely fall apart? Mention hers.

Loving him was red.

There was a study done that showed by the time you finish university, 80% of people have already met the person they will end up with. I loved him, I loved him with all my heart, we all have that someone we will never forget. Life moves on, it waits for no man, woman or child, it doesn't wait for you to pick yourself up off the ground, it doesn't help you care for your wounds, it carries on without any thought. Remembering the loss is okay for a period of time, reliving the loss only sinks us further into quicksand which suffocates us. I wish I could explain the waves we have to go through, so I could create a sort of road map of pitfalls and mistakes, unfortunately it cannot be simplified to that. All I know is that there will be an end, I will make it through this because there is nothing that can be done now, it has happened and it was traumatic, it hurt like hell but at one point, that was what I wanted to do. The long twisted road of my life still waits for me, I just have to want to start the walk.

It's time that I quit wondering why.

Why didn't I try harder? Why didn't I do what you wanted? Why didn't I do everything you wanted? Why couldn't I get you to stay with me? Why does this hurt so badly? Why couldn't we make it work? And most of all why couldn't you love me?

The ground below is crumbling.

I wish I could say I don't love you. I wish I could say I hate you. You keep contacted me, I respond once and you set your family on me? I finished my course today, I didn't focus and I didn't say goodbye to the people I should of because I was hurt by you, I come off as the bad guy but you are with someone else. You don't get to be upset, you don't get to be lonely, you chose someone else, you left me, you took my friends, you do not get to make me feel terrible. How did this happen? How can you do this? Why?

You're 21.

It's three days until I enter the world by myself. I was expecting to at least have him to hold my hand as stupid as it sounds. Big changes are coming and I don't know if I'm ready for them. I thought with him there they would be easier, that I was going to be happy. He's not here anymore, I don't want him to be either but I miss him. I miss him a lot. I'm not sure why things ended the way they did, I don't know why he doesn't want me anymore but I do know one thing. My life is coming and I need to accept that I am on my own. Of all the things that I was scared about, being alone wasn't one of them, it is now and I don't think it's going to go away. I don't want anyone but him but I also don't want the hurt. So it's just me, I guess this is what being a grown up is all about.

I just need some time to play.

I thought that moving on would be easy. I thought that being back with him would make things easier. That was a big mistake, over before it began because I don't want a relationship anymore. I don't want to be committed to anyone, not now and probably not for a long time. I guess it still affects me. So I don't want to have one person who needs me, I don't want to need anyone, people lie and people cheat. So I may as well be the one who has all the fun instead of the one who gets hurt. I'm ready to start my life without some prick who will hold me back and tear me apart. So thanks mate for ruining another thing for me. She hasn't dated before, don't ruin her as well. Does she know you text me saying you love me? Oh well, at least I get to have some fun now.

You make me smile.

So there have been many turmoils occurring recently. It's hard to talk about really, some of it is just too sore. I had been weeping and tired and anxious for days. It changed today though, I made the decision that if he could find someone else, if he could forget about me, forget what we had, love someone else and not give a damn about me, that's what I would do to. As if some sort of fate were listening, that's when he appeared. That is when I found the man that I had been waiting for. He came back for me, after the years and relationships that we had both had, he wanted me. So the last relationship I had is over, but it's okay because there is someone for me and he came at the exact right time.

Goodnight.

I used to believe we could all be saved. Sometimes being saved means being lost.

To you, it's just a game.

I had myself fooled. I thought that I should feel sorry forever for what happened, but you know what? If you feel you have the right to play me like that I hope you realise what's coming your way. I am not going to sit at home, waiting around just to do things for you. I cannot believe that this is happening again. Was it worth it? No. Not even close. I'm sorry but there are other people who want ME, not something that they can play with whenever they are bored and lonely, especially when they know how bad things have been lately. Never again. I deserve more than to be used as casual stimuli before you go out and try to get girls. It may have been okay with the others but you will NOT do this to me.

Just know that I will remember you.

I used to get so angry at myself because of the people I fell for, why I always had to fall for the same personality type, why I wanted the specific person. I used to tell myself that I was one of those women who thinks they can fix a person. I used to think that was my motivation. There is all sorts of theories about that, something to do with the mothering and nurturing nature, well I know why I did it, it took a while to figure it out and strangely enough I realised it while looking at a picture of Gerard Way.
It feels so damn good to be the reason those hurt people smile.

You've got a fast car.

I loved the way he used to hold my hand while driving, I loved the way he tried to help my cook, I loved his little quirks and I loved sitting there mixing up Rubik cubes for him. I loved the way he hugged me, the way that when his lips touched mine, I was safe. I loved the way he had plans, the way he looked into my eyes and said he could see a future for us. I hate how I couldn't give him everything, I hate how I wasn't strong enough to make it work. I hate that I hurt him, the one thing that I don't hate is that being apart is best for him, I will do what is best for him seeing as he did what was best for me.

There will be no white flag above my door.

Feelings suck. Hormones suck. Most of all, being in love when you shouldn't be sucks. I wish I could find a more eloquent way to put this. I can't seem to take control of what's going on. Foolishly I thought that I would find a way to deal with this in a non destructive manner, that was not and still is not the case. I am more than willing to admit that I caused some of the problems and I made the impending doom definite, I made mistakes that should have been bypassed and I thought that I would be strong enough to leave without turning back. I believed that I could leave my world behind. I believed that I could let go, I believed half way through the plane ride, all thoughts would subside. It was like distance just concentrated the assortment of troubles and deeds. What do you do when home is not located in the house you live in, but rather with the one you love?

I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need.

I've made some bad calls. I've been selfish, I have been reckless and I have hurt the people that I love. I don't want to be this person, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I have been closed minded, so wrapped up in my own problems to see what was happening to me the people around me. I won't forget again.
I can see what he needs and that is no longer me.