I'm going under

Some people invoke so much anger without even lifting a finger. It's the little things in life that make me begin to wonder why I'm here, like seeing a face in a crowd or a car on the freeway, a school emblem or a leavers jacket. All these things can change my mood for the day, tiny insignificant things have control over my life. Since when did we become so consumed with these things, when did they ever matter? There are so many good things in life, so many good things that happen everyday, like knowing that you are loved, that you are cared for, that you are otherwise doing well apart from those day which make you question all your decisions in the past year. Today is one of those days but I'm trying not to let it take control, you know I am trying

Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home.

Maybe I should just stop. I'm not strong enough for this. I can't get these marks and just move on, they stay planted in my head, unmoving, demolishing any past successes. I have no doubt some people would be pleased enough to read this, but no one ever will. I knew this wouldn't be easy and I expected that I would give up, I didn't think I would make it this far to be honest, I expected that I would let the earth swallow me whole after the first assessment. I understand what they are asking, I understand what I need to do, I know which formulas to apply and I make sure I understand it all and yet as soon as that clock starts ticking, I frantically try and throw everything at a question which I know the simple answer to.
It would be so much easier to just go back to a dead end job, go back into the shadows like they would appreciate but I wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment in my father's eyes and I would probably ruin that too.
What if I can't move past this? What if this is all I ever amount to? There isn't a job for me even if I do finish this degree. Realistically, I'm never going to make it in to the vet course, let alone finish it. Why am I so inept? In the morning when I wake up I will either feel better or worse and both things scare me.