I'll be better when I'm older.

Love is definitely the most complicated of emotions. It takes you by surprise, knocks the wind out of you and absolutely decimates your concentration for anything else. Being in it is completely overwhelming.
I remember a time where none of it mattered, when all I wanted to do was watch football and not even think of things like that. I would sit down with my iPod and delete all the love songs because it just wasn't relevant. I hated being around boys, knowing what they were thinking was a mine field. Eventually they got the message. Then I had years of just being by myself and I liked that much more, then a few failed attempts at relationships, then he came along.
I'm just going to come out and say it. I hated him at first. I really did and I think that's why it is such a big change. Two ends of the emotional spectrum squished into one. But when it's just me and him, everything dissapates until there is just one thing left, I'm not sure what it is quite yet but I'm pretty sure I know where it's going and I am so happy that I found him.

Even the best fall down sometimes.

A couple of days ago I had a relapse. I got to a state that I can happily say that I haven't experienced in two years. Comprehending what got me to that point is hard, a few bad decisions and it was like the last two years was a dream that was so far away I would never make it back there. Unless you have experienced something like this it seems ridiculous that you can let yourself be so absorbed by the darkness, so distraught that the shadows are all you see, but for some of us it's always there. I was lucky that this was just a little slip, that I didn't make any mistakes that I would regret but I know that every chance that I have to change something, every shot that I get to finish something that I started is why I try so hard to push the shadows back. There are reasons for why we are here, whether they be because we were meant to change something or whether we were meant to create something much bigger than us, the reasons are always larger than our problems. I know it's easier to give up and I know that it's simpler to slip away but we belong here. We belong with the people who love us so we can return the favour, maybe one day they will understand what they have done for us but even if they don't, it doesn't diminish the fact that what they did, caring for us when we were so far into the dark that we couldn't even sense someone was there, was heroic and kept us clinging on to what ever we could so that maybe one day we could stand up and the blackness would only be a colour, not a place. This is my thank you.

I'm going to drive until I break down.

So breaking point seems to be a favourite place of mine. I seem to need a frequent flyers card. These things are supposed to make you stronger and in some ways they have, yes I have gone through points and been a shell of a person, but a couple of months later I am usually back on track.
I certainly didn't realise what I had come to until the most trusted and respected person in my life said they expected more from me. Somethings we can't see until it has been pointed out to us, like the fact that my writing sucks if I don't listen to music or that our face isn't really that great with that shade of hair. This was one of those things and if everyone thinks that I am the bad guy, I can take it because I probably was. The thing to remember is, how badly did you hurt someone else? Do you see yourself as that person all the time? No, so don't treat me like I am that person all of the time because I can assure you, I am nothing like I was six months ago let alone a year ago.

Time to Be Your 21.

You were willing to be there for me when I felt like this, I didn't want to admit that I needed anyone. I miss you now. I thought I would be okay. This is me being needy, don't expect me to stay in this space but I am right now. I had everything planned, keep myself busy so I dont think about you, remember who I was without you. But now its gotten to the stage of Grey's Anatomy, cutting my hair and writing. I hope you're happy.

Let me fall.

I backed myself into a corner. I made sure no one could hurt me, but they didn't need to. Anything that they could ever do to me I had already done to myself. Staring at this screen I try to understand what I did wrong. How did I get to this point? Which idiotic moves landed me here? Which decisions made me like this, at this point again? I know I made this bed. I know this was all my fault. I am sorry that I did this and for once I am willing to say I regret it.

Story of a girl.

I don't need you to save me. I am perfectly capable of doing that myself. If you want to be with me along the ride, that's fine, but I do things for myself and I will not lie at your feet expecting you to fix everything.
I've been through a lot in the past couple of years, some of them not at all pleasant, but I made it through them without you before and I will do it again. The fairytale stories about how Prince Charming saves the day are overrated and completely unreasonable. I once believed that one day someone would appear and take me away from the mess I was in, completely illogical but that was what I felt. Discovery of self is much more important that having someone to rely on.
I am not one to admit vulnerability, I have no desire to let anyone know I need them, I don't want myself to become so reliant on a boy that I don't know who I am anymore. This comes off as if I am swearing off men forever, definitely not what I intend to do, but if you think that you can control me because I love you, you have another thing coming. I was my own person today and I will be tomorrow no matter what happens between now and then. That is something that no-one can take away from me.

I only need to know where I am to know where I am going.

Hi All.

So it's been a while since I posted and admittedly, some of the posts have not been up to scratch. Life's been pretty hectic lately and emotions are rampant, but I am going to put my personal problems aside and try to make some better posts. So bare with me for a little while longer, I feel some serious writing coming along, there has been a change in the force :) haha thanks for all the support.
Love from
ReturnLoveToSender.

Days like this I want to drive away.

When you are in a relationship you are suppose to give your all, every part of you. I am in no way an expert, I have very little experience but this is a part that I do know. You need to be able to trust every aspect, to feel comfortable, to be able to have fun with who you're with, feel safe enough to tell them things, you are suppose to be trusting.
We all make decisions we regret, we hurt people we shouldn't have, we choose to do flaming shots and some people even choose to buy crocs, admittedly the crocs are worse than any other decision imaginable, but we live with these choices. I made the decision and now I accept it, that is the way it should go but what if we are no longer happy with the choice we made?

All you're ever going to be is mean.

I learnt to run away from my problems, I learnt to run away from him. I learnt that sooner or later they will forget about you, but I don't want him to forget about me. I want him to remember everything he did. I want to be burned in the back of his mind so he never forgets how cruel and disgusting he was and most probably will always be. People are unpredictable, you never know who is going to hurt you, you never know who you might grow to love, so it's important to be cautious. I'm not saying you should box everyone out and I'm not saying you should give your credit card pin number to someone you've been seeing for a week, but there is an inbetween. I should have been more to the person that ment so much to me. I should have been able to say things more easily.
There are positives and negatives to all relationships, but to all the lousy, insolent, hyper-critical, shells of people I think one line of a song is sufficient.

"Some day I'll be living in a big old city and all you're ever going to be is mean." -Taylor Swift

Ain't No Reason.

We do it everyday. We walk through life but the ghosts of our past follow us every step of the way, reminding us of times we would rather forget. They touch every part of our lives, how we respond to people, whether we look both ways when we cross the road, how long we keep our hand in the fire before we pull away. It is expected that we are hesitant in situations that scare us, but what if these situations are the basis of life? What if at the end of our lives, we play a tape of all the things we have suffered through, the times that we have hurt and we didn't fight when we needed to and we didn't show ourselves respect? I can say all these words now, that I would never let him touch me again, I would never let him near me, but when his ghost breathed life today I shut my eyes and tried to run away, hoping above all hope that he would just let me pass. I'm getting stronger and maybe one day I could smile at him and know that he was nothing to me, that I had faced more than he could comprehend to be able to get to the point where I forgave him. Right now I can't see it ever happening, but maybe one day. My father told me that these things are not about being fair, they're about winning, that one day he will pay for what happened. My mother says Karma will catch up with him. I used to hope that something much more terrible would find him first. My mother believes Karma comes when there is nothing we can do ourselves, my father believes that we control our own fates, I don't know what I believe anymore, all I know is that there is no reason for what happened, it just did and one day I will be able to face it. As I have written before, he has my fear but not my fate.

You're all I wanted.

Indecision is the biggest killer or relationships across the world. If you don't know what you want how are you suppose to tell someone what you need from them? I sat for hours on end weighing up pros and cons, thinking logically about things but in the end it is not a logical decision. I imagined different endings but none of them felt right. Regret is the emotion that plagues us after break ups, regret we got into the relationship in the first place, what you did or the fact that you left it. I can't decide which I regret the most, all of them hurt and I don't want to face a single one. Break ups can be sumed up in two words. They suck.

You won't feel a thing.

He said to trust him and that everything would be fine. He said that no matter what there was nothing anyone could do to rip us apart, to make us unequal. He said a lot of things.
When he found me I was weak, I had no control over my situations, my circumstances. I believed that I chose my path, that I was the reason I was here, that it was all me but the path was made for me, for me specifically apparently. He created my little hell, made it specially for me, made me comfortable just to take it away, gave me a fresh start forged for ruin.
Being in that place, that hole of despiration where he left me, was an experience few would forget. The physical place was nice, a big house, not a home but nice enough, the emotional well being of everyone in that house was drawn into question because of his decisions. He made choices that no one could understand. He chose violence and chemicals, he chose pain and destruction as his bedfellows and from there you cannot turn back.
I wish I could say he only hurt me, but he hurt himself as well, that's what made me stay, that's what made me believe that we could still have a shot, if he stopped hurting himself he could stop hurting me just as easily, it was too much for him to handle and apparently it was too much for me as well.
We left the house, The Pain and Destruction as we used to affectionally call him stayed, he decided that his house would not be left just because he was. P and D had many people stay in that house, all left one way or another, some walking and others not. He chose his path and he followed through, he never turned back when faced with the problems that arose from his decisions. At least he was faithful to his decisions, faithful to his own creations. He had no honour apart from this. Honour is not everything, faith matters little but pain and hurt matter, they matter almost as much as where they came from, love and need. These leave us in pieces, we much choose to pick them up and reconstruct the puzzle, the building plans which we do not see are to be followed, if a mistake is made we go back to the place where the love and need began and once again the cycle will hold us in its grasp. I use to think that he held my life but he was only a messenger of what was to come.

Where the lines overlap.

There are cross roads in everyone's lives, where we cannot choose which way to go. There comes a certain point where there is no right or wrong, just ways. Wandering down the path, you either realise you somehow ended up down the rabbit hole or that there is nothing in the world that could ever make you go back. Other times you feel nothing, you just keep on walking because there are no emotions that you feel, you can't explain it, it just is. We cannot make these paths disappear because the shape and mould us, they make us who we are through decisions and errors that we may later regret, the only problem is if you have amnesia and you can't remember the mistakes, like driving down the same road with different road signs. I remember all important decisions I have made. These memories, they aren't to specific situations, who said what and the sorts, I remember the emotions, the way I couldn't help anyone else let alone myself. These things are to be done by ourselves, no one can help you and no one can save you except your own will. Go through the phases of the emotions, one day they will keep you safe from harm, even if not now.