Here's a story of a girl, who grew up lost and lonely.

Soft and gentle. These are the things I wish of myself, that I could be someone who was not scared, someone who was innocent, that saw beyond problems and could just be. Trying to stop it from happening again, that's what I was telling myself when really I just wanted to stop it from happening in the first place. Moving on is something I have trouble doing, I want everything to work and if they don't I walk away, but I am not doing that anymore. I'm staying and I'm fighting and this is all new to me but I think it's worth it.

Already gone.

How long do waiting periods last? When do we decide to give up and when do we decide to fight? I guess the biggest thing is when you are alone, do you miss them? Do you wish you could call them and just hear their voice? But it's not fair to them if you can't make a decision. It's not fair for you to go back on what you wanted. The best idea is never to enter into it in the first place, even if you really want to, because it's not about what you want, it's about what you both want together. It's already two days in, five more to go and I'm already wishing I could talk to him again, to be around him again, but I need to give myself time, to make sure I don't do something I regret.

I watch too many soppy movies, I didn't expect this to be easy, I didn't expect much of this, I thought I was heading into something that would be simple, that I would just know. I don't know a thing. Last time all it took was some liquid courage for me to realise what I wanted. That didn't work this time, I still don't know and I don't think it's fair for him to have to put up with this, but then again, why hasn't he stood up and said enough? I'm not good at any of this, I'm not sure what protocol I should follow. I have people telling me their opinions and it's like when you play heads or tails, the result of the toss isn't important, when you realise you want the other way, that's what really matters.

It isn't a simple yes or no. You accept consequences with your choice. I just don't know if I am ready to accept mine.

Using your headphones to drown out your mind.

I think the telling thing within a relationship is whether either one is willing to fight for it, whether either one acknowledges the fact that it's going to be hard and that the scene in The Notebook actually applies to all couples, not just the ones with such a story line it makes grown men cry and create the phrase "I Notebooked him."

At what stage do we agree there is an end? When do we stop trying to find a way through the impass? Regret is possible the worst emotion you could feel, old and frail, riddled with arthritis and in a rocking chair thinking, "I should have tried harded, now it's a memory I can't forget." When do you know which choice was the right one? And when does it stop hurting? I could say I don't care and I could say it meant nothing, but that wouldn't be true in the slightest.

Just because it's over doesn't mean we forget.

White Horse.

We all make some stupid decisions under the influence. If no one thinks a relationship is going to work, others could be right, they make decisions free from emotions. I hope that one day things will go back and we can try again, but for now I'm sticking with my decision. We both deserve to be happy and maybe that will come from being apart, you find someone on your level and I will on mine, that doesn't mean it isn't hurting, it doesn't mean I don't care but things go wrong for a reason and this was it. Once again my puppy gets me all to herself.

Turning Tables.

Let this be a lesson. Your first instinct is usually the right one. Don't think it will all be okay, don't be naive. Saying that people just act like that when they are tired is a cop out. People act like they are. So yes, I was stupid and weak but just think about yourself at the end of this. Is this who you want to be? Because I don't want to be like this. I want to feel good, not worried and tense because I don't know how much control I have over a situation. I am at fault too, no question, but I did it for the right reasons, I don't think you ever did. There are no maybes in this story. There's a difference. He was different. Now I'm different too.

Make them like you instead.

When we know something is wrong we tell someone, like when you break glass in the kitchen, or the dog got stuck under the table again. I believe the problems shouldn't have been there in the beginning. The glass should have been cared for and the dog should have been trained. I believe that you can be perfect, you can get a score of 25 out of 25, that 23.5 isn't good enough, that you should do better. I believe that we need to be perfect, we shouldn't enter into things we know are going to end and that we shouldn't expect to be okay after a big night's drinking. I broke my own rules, now who's do I live by?

In your head.

If I could make sense of this, don't you think I would? Don't you think there would be nothing left to talk about? I know it's still a part of me. It lurks far enough away that you know the outline, you know what comes next, you know just what to say, to stop it happening, you know where to go and what to do, you know what is right. But what if that isn't what matters anymore? What if it just doesn't cut it? No amount of fluffy toys and pictures can make it okay. All you can do is recognise the shadow, and wait.

Losing my Religion.

I think the most telling thing now, is that I am still unwilling to do this. I want to say I made the right decision. I want to say that without a doubt this was my decision. I want to say that no matter what, I know this was the thing to do. I can't say any of these things. I can't know the right decision. I will have to make another mistake, the pile will creep ever closer right back to where I started. Either way, there are feelings I don't want to face. I need to make a choice, I can't keep daydreaming in class, I need to believe I can do both. If I can't, I let something go and I can't give up what I have wanted since I can remember. I know my decision, I just don't want to make it. It's easier to fix other people's problems. If I could go back I know what I would tell myself. I know I would tell myself not to go to school that day, I would tell myself not to trust her, I would have said goodbye. But everyone knows the past, the present and the future? That's up to us. If only we knew.

I can count on you like 4, 3, 2.

For the girl who helps me more than she knows:
I'm here because I always think about how strong you are, and how strong I could be. You make sure I'm okay when no one even knows anything is wrong. You understand it all, every little detail, you know how it feels. Thank you times forever.

SHANNON RENEE HULTGREN, best writer, best friend and best girl to make you smile.

You won't sing along.

Three days. I have three days to decide. I want to make it work. I want to be able to say everything's okay. What if I need to say it can't work? What if it will hurt less if I just stop it now? I'm not just going to let go of control. What if I am just a confidence boost? Or what if he really means what he says? How do I know which side is right? It's like I can't even see it coming, like there's no warning which one I'm talking to, which side is actually him? I want to say the one who is amazing, who cares. I can just imagine what happens next. Either way I regret my decision. So which road has less hurt? I wish I could say I have experienced all the harshness my life has to offer, but of course there are many years yet to come. One day everything in the past three years won't mean a thing, I will have just been a kid, I didn't understand my decisions, I didn't know who to trust, but I know who I want to.

You always know where to find me.

I knew this would happen. I knew it would hit me just when I was happy. It couldn't leave me alone. I can barely look after myself right now, let alone anything else. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just need to think. Do I save everyone else from the pain, or do I protect myself? I can't do this by myself but I can't ask anyone else to take this on too. All I know is that I can't do what I use to, that is not an option, I am finally doing what I want to do, they trust me again. So I will deal with this. No one else that knows how this works is stable enough to help me. So I will help myself. I didn't go once last year and I will not go once this year. I am strong enough to beat this and I will. I'm not asking you to wait for me, you deserve to be happy. Just do whatever it is that makes you happy, Lord knows I'm trying.

There is nothing I do better than revenge.

You will get out of my head. You will leave me alone. You will never come near me again. There is nothing you can do to me anymore. I'm done so you can go. I wish I could make you feel the way I do, make you feel so scared, so broken. One day someone will do to you what you did to me. But then again, you made me learn to stand up for myself, not to let some boy treat me like I was put on this earth to play with. I have a brain much larger than both the brains you think with and the only way you can get a girl is by forcing them just the way you did. You back to your mum and see if she's proud of you, I thoroughly doubt it. I hope she's disgusted just like everyone else because there is NOTHING you can do to take back what you did. You have NO ONE.
Sincerely from the girl you wouldn't leave alone.

Wishful thinking.

I'm not embarressed that I like Taylor Swift. She seems to understand what I am thinking, how I'm feeling, even when I'm not sure what it is I feel. There are two ends of the scale, what if I'm not at either? After so much elation, how do I remember how to be normal, how do I remember what it's like to go back? If I could I would go back. I would start things over, make things simple, I'd stop Nick from coming near me, I'd stop myself when I should have, I wouldn't be scared. Maybe that would change what was happening now, I would realise what it was that meant everything to me. I'd know what to do. But I can't and I need time. The thing that I don't have.

Pushing.

I can't do the things that people want. I can't please everyone, but try to change the way that I am and there is nothing left to talk about. Sometimes things just don't work, but do you fight for it? Maybe they were right, maybe I wasn't doing this for me, but I can't back down. I'm sorry.

Against the Grain.

The character of the older brother. I love my brother but he's not even in the same state, so the protectiveness isn't there, the stern talk to suitors, but instead my whole family has picked that up. Every aspect, they have it covered, when I go out, where, who I'm with, its all their territory and I dont blame them, I like to know they care that much for me but to be honest, I am the most protective of them all.
I gave my sister's boyfriend a hard time for almost two years, until I finally came to the conclusion he is a nice guy. I put everyone who comes into my home under intense scrutiny. I don't like to leave myself vulnerable. I will not leave myself vulnerable. I'm stronger and it's nice to know people have my back.

Something to think about.

I've been staring at my computer for hours, trying to put this in a way that isn't cheesy. Four attempts and just as many deleted. There's just something that I can't explain and it's not often that I am lost for words. Feeling safe is probably one of the things that I can't be without, but with him, it's just automatic. I can't concentrate because everytime I try, I just see his face, the way he looks at me. He's the boy that I've been waiting for and I don't know why I stopped myself so many times from being close to him, just because I didn't know how he would react. But everything is different now. I can't even remember the movie. All I remember is him. I don't care when I see him, just as long as I do, everything is okay.

Nursery Rhymes.

Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age the child is grown and puts away childish things. Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies, nobody that matters, that is. - Edna St Vincent Millay

When did things stop being easy? When did sleep-ins stop being a thing for grown ups and start being what we crave? When did a play date with a friend actually turn into a date? More importantly, when did we stop being kids? What sobering experiences did we have that changed the way we look at the world?

I stopped being a kid the moment the dog came. I was still in Primary School. I don't remember how but I made a friend. A real friend, until she just stopped talking to me. That's when it really hit, the sadness. It was just a little bit, but it was definitely there. I really remember when we did a heart disection. I started crying and I couldn't stop, it must have been about an hour because by the end I was really dehydrated, but a teacher asked what I was looking forward to, and I couldn't tell her anything, I just made something up to get her to leave me alone, but that was the first time I noticed it.

The next big event was when I was under the table. By this I mean I was literally lying under the table. Once again, uncontrollable crying, not a proud moment for me.I remember Dakota just strolled over and sat with me for hours, no worried glances, he knew it would pass, he was a good dog.

There is a big difference between not being a child anymore and being a grown up. This is a story of the Inbetween. Britney Spears taught us alot, not marry your back up dancer, don't drive with your baby on your lap, and hair cuts on a whim are not amazing. I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. We all grow at different rates and thankfully, we all get through it eventually.

No.

I told myself I would fight back. But I didnt. Now I got the chance, you think you know someone. How do you fight back when you have nothing to say? When something degrades you to the point you question yourself? I am trying to find a way to describe how with simple words and simple meanings you can destroy all the hard work that you have made.

It doesnt make sense, you believe its someone else telling you the words, telling you things that you don't want to hear. I believed a lie and it was corrosive. I believed someone would come along and help me, someone would know what I was talking about. I am not something to be toyed with. I don't respect you and I won't make the same mistake again.

You cannot make me feel like this again. Different things happened but it concluded the same way. I am finished with you.

Fix you.

Letting go was never meant to be easy, it was suppose to hurt, tear yourself apart. But we are all meant to do it, to make a clean break, not to forget, but to move on. They made me move on, pick up the pieces and reconstruct. They reminded me what it was to feel free, safe and sound. I can't put words to the feelings that made me free, only that without them I wouldn't be here, nor would I remember what it was like to see the light, to see what it was like to move on.

They saved me from the darkness, they gave me hope and for that I can never repay them. No amount of cupcakes can tell them what they did, though I am sure they help. One day they will understand the way that they helped. We all experience days where nothing seems to go right. They ended my three year long groundhog day. And now I see life.

Dedicated to Shannon, Lucy, Monica, Hannah, Jake, Georgia, Em, Andrew, Vicky and Steph.

I will remember you.

I saw you and smiled, just like old times. I thought about the way our hands would brush, the way my cheeks went red as soon as you looked at me, the butterflies I felt when you talked to me.

Things were different back then, they were simple, normal even. I remember the way we use to talk for hours, how special you were to me and then I remembered the way you tore it all down. Best friends are suppose to be there for you when he tears you apart, not with their tongue down his throat.

I can't face what they did, the betrayal. I think sometimes, what if it had been someone else, would I still ache? The truth is, yes but I wouldn't have lost two people I trusted, only one. She is as much to blame as him. And I can never forgive that, when she knows how hard it is for me to trust a boy.

Growing without getting taller.

When I was a little girl, the last thing on my mind was what my husband would look like, I was more worried about how many pets I would have, 6 dogs by the way, or what I would be. I never really thought about my dependance on a guy with a Y chromosone.

The only boy I remember being around as a kid was John. He wasn't related to me, but I always knew he was my equivalent to a cousin. I remember the competitiveness, how I was always the weak one. But then I got bigger, at least for a little while. Now he towers above me. That's one thing that always upset me. Why are boys allowed to be so much TALLER?

I surround myself with feminism. Ask anyone I went to high school with, they will tell you I was never quiet about those opinions. But I admit, that was protection, if you yell at people from the get-go they wont challange you nine times out of ten. Of course when I was put in a situation when a guy really pushed me, I quit the class. Or change schools. Take your pick.

I wonder how it will affect me later. What if I have a co-worker who I disagree with? What if I scream and fight with any male I meet? Thats not the way I want to be. But for now, I can deal. For now, I'm learning.