Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying.

I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and change how things ended. It's stupid and silly and I can't believe I'm writing this, after all the crap we went through but I still miss him sometimes, like when I see a Rubik's cube or when someone mentions a viola. I thought that after the smoke cleared and everything was quiet I would feel at peace, I thought that I would be able to let go. I could never be friends, never see him again because I know what would happen, either I would end up crying or I would make sure he was. There are a million things that I would love to have cleared up but I can't risk it, I can't risk letting him back in. He's happy with the new girl and he has every right to be. I'm going to be happy one day, I don't think it will be because of a boy though.

There's a place on Ocean Avenue

So now I'm working, I only really have a couple of friends. I'm working insane hours and finding the time is not easy. It's New Years soon and I'm meeting up with a few friends, and the next day too, I just don't feel like I really know anyone anymore. It was great when studying and school forced you into social situations, it made things easier. The upside of being treated like an adult is the ability to go out and drink and make new friends. Works really well.

The day is over and still so heavy on the mind.

It's strange when the person you believed in is a memory, they aren't real anymore, they've disappeared. I had another great night last night, I met some great people who helped remind me that there is more to life than the wait. There is more than hoping, more than yearning. I'm young, I still have a story left, I get to choose my fate. I've spent my life being under someone's control, whether they are someone I loved or loathed, they chose where I went and what I did. I can change my story, I can make paths to wherever I want to, I can be in love with who ever I want and I don't have to choose for it all to end. All it takes is a moment, all it takes is a decision to let go.

If I could find you now things would get better.

She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. -The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

It's hard to explain this type of a feeling to someone who has never experienced it. I think it's going to be a little while for it to go away this time, healing hurts. I may still be hurting for now, one day I will look back and think this time was  completely irrational. When I talk to other people about it, I realise there is no reason to be this torn up, its completely without cause but if it's just me, it's hard to leave something behind. I'm really looking forward to this new chapter coming, and I really like him but it will be different, whether that's a good thing or not we will see. The new boy says I deserve to be treated well, that I shouldn't doubt whether the person I'm with only has eyes for me, after all I have found out that really wasn't the case. I think I will always be a bit suspicious now, I just have to remember it's not going to happen with every partner I have. He's a great guy and he treats me well but we only except the love we think we deserve, this is far too much.

Good times roll.

Organising a first date is one of life's tricky times. It's a nervous time which you double guess yourself. Even more pressure is put on if you're first date is on New Year's Eve. At least it gives me some time to prepare but still, when you really like someone, you get worried about the tiny things. At least there is some time to prepare.

Time can hurt and time can heal but it wont ever change the way I feel.

Rehearsal? More like girl.

Here's to you.

You lied to me. I was prepared to be your friend today. You lied to me, you lied to her, you ruined EVERYTHING. I don't trust you, you screwed everyone over. You have a girlfriend, apparently that means nothing to you, meant nothing when we were together either so get over yourself, learn what a relationship means and keep it in your pants.

I just want back in your head.

I wanted to prove that I could talk to you and still be okay. Instead I started crying and couldn't stop. I read what you sent me, texts, messages and you sure know how to make someone feel worthless and still love you at the same time. No matter who I met last night, no matter how they made me feel, I always let you back in, if even for a moment. Since we broke up, I have bought 6 dresses and 4 skirts, I wear them all the time and I think its because of you.

Towards the sun.

Last night was pretty amazing. I met someone, we talked in a nightclub for two hours which is a pretty epic feat. It was going so well until I had to rescue a few girls and I lost him. It's like when you see this huge opportunity wasted. Good part is life has a way of sorting stuff out. Who knows where this will go, at least I'm not moving backwards anymore.

I'm just looking for a good night.

GOING OUT TONIGHT TO FORGET ALL ABOUT YOU.

Between the dust and the debris.

I'm not good enough, I make these terrible mistakes, I hurt people and I ruin things. I'm so scared of what is coming, what I'm responsible for. I am scared that one day the people who believed in me will wake up and think that they wasted their time. I'm terrified that I will let people down. I am completely paralyzed by the fear that this might be all there is left for me. One day at a time is what I told myself, one day is too much, I can't cope with what is going on. I'm so tired but I can't sleep, all that is going around in my head are the problems I have created, the people I have hurt, the mistakes I have made. I never expected to get to eighteen. I never thought I would have to deal with this responsibility. I'm not ready.

There's no need to rush, we're all just waiting to die.

Today was one of the worst days in the last little while. I did a few stupid things and I am paying for them dearly. I feel like everything is collapsing. There is so much to do, so much to say sorry for, so much to fix from today. I thought that I was ready, I thought that everything would be fine, nothing is fine. Judgement has never been my strong suit, I've always been unsure of myself and today proves I have reasons for my doubt. I am exhausted and I really needed him today.

But I cannot move the mountains for you.

I want there to be an intermediate level, a level where we can be friends and I don't feel the light leaving my eyes, a level where I don't feel terrible for thinking of you. I saw one of your friends last night and I waved. I stupidly waved, thinking that's someone I know, best be friendly. Then I started thinking about you and all the girls in the food court looked like her. I get home and on to Facebook and one of your friends is engaged to her. 
I want to be your friend. I want for this not to hurt anymore, that's not going to happen though so I need to be realistic. I believe that you never stop loving someone, that person may change and you don't love who they are now but at one point in your life, they were the only thing you needed and the only thing you wanted. 
I want different things now, I'm working all the time so I can leave here, so I can choose things for myself, so shadows don't follow me wherever I go. I believe that one day things won't hurt so much, one day I will be able to let go of what hurt me and I will be whole again. 
You were one of my hardest goodbyes and I look for you everywhere, I think of you all the time and I still want you, I just don't want you the way that you were hoping. 
We were never meant to be friends. Your exes and currents are all friends, I won't join that circle because I feel like I am being ripped apart to know you loved them the same way you loved me. 
My life is going well now, I know where I am heading and I know what is expected of me, I'm not second guessing everything, wondering if it's alright by you. It's time to put some things to rest and I couldn't do that when I was with you, I couldn't go through the bad memories and still be able to hug you or even hold your hand.
I hear she is lovely, so be happy with what you have, don't look back on what is lost, it just makes things more painful. I love it when I get to hear from you but that is not my place anymore, I'm different now and I'm not the girl you fell in love with. I'm not opinionated like I used to be, I am mostly a calm person, I've lost my spark and I don't really want it back. I just want to sleep.

All I wish for and all I need.

I just watched The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I don't think I have ever loved a movie more. It was like retracing my steps through all the years, it felt like it was me. I still get really worried, worried I might slip up again and that there won't be anyone to stop me next time. I am scared as hell that I won't wake up in the morning because I did something stupid. I really just want to get away, from this town, from people, most of all I want to get away from myself. I'm plagued with fear that I'm not a good enough person, that I should be stronger, that I should try harder at everything, that I need to be there for people more, I'm afraid that people don't know how much I love them, how much I want for them to be happy. Sometimes for someone to be happy you have to be broken. I don't know if I can break myself apart again, I don't know how to please my family and friends, to please him and still feel whole inside. I just need to forget, I just need to sleep, I need this all to stop.

Pour some liquor out for this town.

There isn't really much to say. I spent close to a week trying to convince myself that they were just as good as him, or at least close. There was no comparison. So those boys are gone now and I'm making a conscious decision that I don't want someone like him. I want someone who wants me. I'm ready to leave where I've been, a big change is coming and I can't wait to get out of this small town.

I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've begun.

I spent all of today cooking. I spent all of today cooking and someone returned to the house. Today made me feel like I had returned to a year ago, like everything was back to the good stage, the safe stage. It was before I started things with someone, before I chose where my life would go, before I chose to move on. That being said, I believed I had moved on so much this year, in light of recent occurrences, I have not. I thought I had made so much progress. Well unfortunately things are not as simple as they seem. The next few months are going to be the hardest of my life and I am in no way ready.

If I wanna be someone equally free there are things I must unlearn.

I was supposed to go out tonight. I was supposed to go and meet people and party. Instead I stayed home cooking. Whether that was a good choice or not I do not know. I stayed home, by myself, to cook. It's been a while since I cooked, probably the first time since he left. Alcohol and cooking all alone, not one of my best ideas. Sure, it makes everything taste better, makes me think my ideas are genius, the outcome is not so great though. I've called everyone I talk to just so I don't call a specific number. A couple of numbers really. The boy I met, the boy I used to be with and the boy who is nearby. I never make the best decisions when I'm alone but I rather the decisions I make alone than the decisions I make with a boy.

There's never time to save, you're paying by the hour.

Some days are better than others. Waking up to hear that twenty beautiful little kids were murdered in their classrooms was completely devastating. There is nothing to be said about it that can console the families, nothing that can be done to fix that community, nothing that can make this go away. 20 lives that had not yet been lived are over, they had just started to realise they were their own people, starting to make their own decisions, be happy, figuring out what they were good at, what it was like to have friends. This tragedy should never of happened. One tiny bit of contorted metal, simple physics has lead to an amount of emotion that can never be contained or explained by the world. This should never have occurred and now the world loses tiny souls who would have grown up to love somebody, be good at something and would have changed the lives around them in a positive way instead of this pain and hurt that takes its place after one man chose to live out a horror movie. School is a place where we are supposed to feel safe, learn about life, learn that there is evil in the world but there is also good. These children will remember this for the rest of their lives. They will remember the day that violence entered their safe haven. Help should always be there for those who need it, these survivors will need years and probably the rest of their lives to come to grips with what happened. All we can do is hope and pray to whichever entity we believe in that they will learn to heal what has been broken and know that they are loved.

I just want you to dance with me tonight.

I think I am stuck in this endless cycle of emotions. When I'm happy and whole I am completely moved on and with someone new. When I've had a bad day or I'm tired, it's like I regress. While we were together I feel like I got a new best friend, the first person I told when something good happened was him, he would tell me his things as well and it just felt like we were open. Looking back on it with the things I know now, we didn't really tell each other the big things we should of but I think sometimes, it's the small things that matter. So I need to break this cycle. Good thing is I get to make my own choices, choose the person I want to be with. None of them have the connection that I had with him but maybe that will come with time. Just gotta wait for it to pass.

I awaken and untangle you from me.

I've been watching a large amount of fairytale movies recently, not that it's anything unusual. They all find one true love, usually their first love. My first love was full of emotions, both good and bad, it was what could be expected when two very different people fall in love. I have never felt so loved or so lost in my life. I honestly thought that at one stage, it was just me and him, only me and him. Unfortunately it wasn't just us, there were others, there are others now. I think some people aren't meant to fall in love. I wish I could do the whole relationship thing but if I couldn't make it work with the one I loved so much I doubt there is any hope. There was one more first that was rightfully his, someone else wants it now and I don't know what to do anymore.

Under the Milky Way tonight.

Once again the Inbetween welcomed her, like she had never been gone. She sat beneath their tree. Though he had never been there, she felt him when she was in contact with the oak, she felt the warmth, the bark of the tree was well worn in her favourite spot, just waiting. She closed her eyes, only for a second, but a second is all it took.  
Open your eyes. When she let her eyelids flutter, he was standing serenely like there was nowhere else he ought to be. Come with me, I've missed you. His hand was outstretched, open, just begging for her to accompany him, for she would never have the chance again. She left the comfort of their tree for another kind of comfort, it was like her limbs moved on another's will, under his command, as if she was never really their true master. 
I still love you, but I'm hers now. Her muscles continued to obey him, to walk when he instructed, to be his play thing. She was beginning to see the dusk lose colour, the calm reddish fade, turn to a whiter shade of pale. The air within her lungs tensed, turned to ice and expanded far beyond the space available. Actually, I don't love you anymore. Everything within her shattered like someone dropped a lamp, the light ceased to exist. But I will still get what I want. He willed her to stop and lifted her head, there was no colour now, nothing had any shade, he let go of her hand and looked over her shoulder and smiled. My time to leave, but not for long. Can I have another first from you? Please know that it will never mean anything though.
There would never be a safe haven again. 

No-one can find the rewind button now, so cradle your head in your hands.

I keep taunting myself with my two biggest mistakes, replaying them like they are the only things that I have done with my life. The thing is, if I see either of them again I won't be in control of myself for entirely different reasons. I freeze with one, I lose all sense of self, the fiery and defiant girl that I am and I become nothing. The other makes my whole self shiver and quake, but not in fear, in an illusion of faith that he loved me as much as I loved him. The sad thing is that with the more time that goes by, the more I see the similarities between them. Their talents are the same, they both spoke their minds far more than they should have, they both made me feel so small, so powerless, they both made me disappear.

All I needed was a landline.

I haven't been this scared in a while. He can't hurt me, he can't touch me but it still feels like he is in control. I'm scared that I can't be with someone who is right for me, that I can't be functional. What if I always hide behind what hurt me, just in case of the slightest chance that they hurt me too? They say that you experience fear and mastery. I am scared to experience either. I don't want him to rule my life again, to be stuck in an endless loop of being lost. I don't want to hide like I used to, I want to live and be happy, I want to love someone, I want to be innocent again.

Can you lie next to her and give her your heart?

Apparently I have to start thinking about N. If I ever want to get better, if I ever want to have a normal relationship I need to stop being afraid. They told me that I need to think about N, to start picturing his face to take away his power. How am I supposed to picture his face when even his name makes me petrified? I knew I shouldn't have told them that the dreams came back but I thought it was a just a thing to say in passing, not that they would latch on to it and make me regret ever saying a word. 
So I need to picture N, I have to hope that this works otherwise it will take me to the edge. That's why I don't want to go to sleep, in case the dreams are worse after talking about them. The sad thing is, if I fall asleep and the dreams come back I can't wake myself up.
They always said it was going to be hard, I thought that if I kept myself busy while working through it, it might help. I have support but is that enough to keep the Dark Days away?

What a day to give up smoking and to begin breathing.

Today was a day of near misses. I got to work and nearly got bitten, I nearly checked my Skype for him and I nearly lost my mind. I made a decision last night that no matter what, there would be no more him and me. There would be no more ifs and maybes. There would be no more trying. Of course there are still feelings, there always will be but that doesn't mean that I have to try again for nothing. It took one night for a boy to make me feel like I was worth it again and 3 seconds for another to tear it down. I was so emotional today that I thought I would topple, surprise euthanasias always do that to me. Oh and that near miss cat bite? I got home, turns out it wasn't a near miss. He got me.

I was falling hard with an open heart.

I thought it was going to be you. I thought that despite the stuff we went through, I thought it was going to be you. I guess I was wrong. It's not going to be you because some things you have to do because you deserve more and with all that we went through, I don't deserve to be the second one. The answer to your question is no and unfortunately there is nothing that can let you change that. You only left me when you had her lined up, I will not participate in you causing that pain to another girl and despite how much I feel I need you, I don't need you anymore, let me move on and fix what was broken.

The taste of ink is getting old.

There was once a time where I thought people had the same moral code as I did. I thought that the world had taught me enough, that I didn't need another lesson, well apparently I was wrong. It's not like he did anything wrong. He's in a new relationship. Where he did go wrong though, was telling me he still wanted me afterwards. It's not like it was ever going to happen, he's with her but if there were any chance it just dissipated. I'm hurt and angry and it's done. Luckily enough, what I did last night gave me a bit more confidence in the fact that there are other people who want me as number one, not whenever things don't work out or just someone for kicks. I don't know what's happening or where I will end up. But for the moment, I'm single and I'm staying that way until someone proves that there is a reason to stay.

None of us thought it was gonna end that way.

Indecision. It's a killer. Should I leave a potential relationship to wait for someone who is never coming back, who I don't even know if I want to come back? I cannot keep my head straight, I never have been able to about this boy, everything has always been jumbled and incomplete. I wish I knew whether this pain was worth it or whether to just let go. Maybe one day I will look back on this and think that it was all for nothing but what if I look back and say I should of tried harder?

When I say good morning next, I'll lie.

It's like boys have a radar. Like they know when you've been with someone else. I don't know how this sort of thing happens, I swear it must be a talent. The thing is, I can't be his friend. I can't talk to him without remembering everything and feeling my insides drop. It's safe to say I'm not in love anymore but that doesn't mean that there are no feelings there. I wouldn't have been able to do what I did last night if I still loved someone else. No contact with him is how I stay safe, how I protect myself but every time I hear his voice I feel a yearning for what was lost, what is no longer in existence.

The girl in the dress cried the whole way home.

Inevitably I am growing up. I am getting older and having to deal with what happened when I was barely a teenager. He made a guest appearance in my dreams last night. I don't think about him that much anymore but yet there he was. The sad thing is he soon morphed into someone else. I try so hard not to see a connection between the two of them, at times it's easy not to. I get anxious by the fact that I can't let go of what that young boy did, that I will see it in every male I ever meet. I am scared that he is back in my dreams, I was free of him for such a long time, he's got control back and I just want him to go away.

In your fire and in your flood.

I've been playing my ukelele for hours, going over the same chord changes again and again hoping that somewhere within them I could find some sort of sanity and sense. I needed to get a break from what was waiting for me as soon as I stopped playing. I guess you can't have everything. You can't just be with someone to get over someone else. He fell in love quicker than I did and he fell out even faster but that doesn't mean I should be hurting someone else. I guess I was trying to make myself remember what it was like, what it was like to have someone who wants you. It's not great when they only want you for something to do, in all senses of the word. So forgive me if I can't put the ukelele down, but I need something constant to believe in.

It's true romance is dead.

Why people believe they have a right to keep dragging you down I have no idea. Is this fun for you? Is this what makes you feel better? I can't even fathom how little you care because apparently there is nothing left, for you to make me feel like this you never really cared. To be honest, I'm not too badly hurt, I was upset, yes, because you did exactly what happened to me before and you didn't even do it as well, so to be honest I was thinking more about what he did than you. So don't think too highly of yourself. I certainly don't think highly of you at all.

How much will I find?

It's been too long since the last time I prayed. I haven't been inside a Church for about a year and a half because I find it hard to face the concept that God is listening and willing to help us change. I don't know what to believe, I don't know what to pray for, I don't know how to reach out. I used to believe you went to a place of worship because it was expected. 
 My family never pushed faith onto us, we went to Church every Sunday, we prayed and were an active part of the service but I never remember taking it home with us, it was like there was a special place for that sort of thing. We were given the option of following our faith or not. The problem with that is when the teenage years hit, most of us abandon faith, decide to be rebellious even if there is nothing against which to rebel. 
I left the Church, of course there were a few more complicated circumstances which helped the decision, but now, I'm not sure what to do, what to pray for, what to believe. I guess I'm looking for direction, for something to work for, I just can't find it, but it's not faith if you use your eyes right?

Soon be memory.

The last few days have been amazing. I have been surrounded by the people I love and had more fun than I thought possible. Being able to see all of them together means so much to me, its only a problem when they all want me to have shots with them as individuals. Luckily enough this morning I did not awaken with a hangover, instead I woke up with my mates after an incredible night. I can't remember feeling this good, whether that be due to stress or just bad people in my life, I don't want it to end. So this means it's time to let go. Now it's just me and yes it's scary because it means I'm fair game. I don't feel comfortable with the new guys, I don't like them putting their arms around me or holding me but I like some of the new things they teach me, like the way to hold a kiss or the way to make sure they know they are loved. New beginnings and new roads. That is where I am going.