Breathing in snow flakes.

I had a visitor in my head again today. She was far from silent, she leaned in to taunt me at everything I did. "You will never be good enough for him, you could never give him what I do." The jeering was incessant, it was at every turn. "You know how much more he liked being with me, I'm prettier, I'm skinnier and I'm much smarter than you." She was sweetly smiling while she watched me crumble, while she forced me to make a mistake. She forced me to turn at him. I wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't close and so I lashed out, I wanted to make him hurt. I'm not proud of it, he made choices when I wasn't in the picture and he shouldn't have to suffer through me dealing with them. There are some things that I just can't let go of.

She circled my thoughts all day, she wanted to make sure that I knew who he would always belong to. She will always have parts of him I will never have and I will always have hate in me for that reason. I can't bring myself to give him the relationship he wants and I don't know if I ever will. There are some things you just can't change and she will always be sitting there in my head, making sure that it never leaves me for too long, making sure I know what is hers.

It's clear now, I know you're going to leave me, so disappear now, I won't get in your way.

There is no point in trying to put this eloquently. You hurt me and I hurt you. Putting that in the past tense makes it feel better but it's never going to stay in the past tense is it? We are always going to be hurting from what happened, we are always going to remember a phone call or a text or a Skype conversation that broke us apart. You're right, it would be easier for me if you just cheated and we were over instead of me always worrying that's what you are doing, always being afraid when you get a text or a Facebook message that it will be someone else again and that your response will be, "We're just friends, I'm a natural flirt, it doesn't mean anything." It's getting close to the only thing I think of now. You are always going to be afraid that I will see you, get home and change my mind about what the right thing to do is, it's always going to stick with you, I can see it in your eyes every time we say goodbye, it makes me think it would be easier for you if I did just that, then we could both move on instead of staying in this state of angst. I don't know if we can be us again, there are certainly some parts I don't want back and most of our relationship is arguments, let's face it, you wouldn't be with me if you didn't like a fight. So I'm afraid that because I haven't heard from you all day, you've done something. I don't know what or why but something is wrong.

Are we too young, our heads too strong?

I found myself once again staring into the abyss. I could feel the wind, teasing me, swaying me towards the edge. I looked down into the darkness, past the shattered glass, the broken rocks and sand down to the bottom, though I could not see the ground I knew it was there, waiting, calling. There are times when the only thing that matters is the free fall, though you lose control through the middle, the jump was yours and when you once again greet the earth, it was your choice.