You said this hill looks far too steep.

I constantly struggle with my perception of right and wrong. I believe that you should help everybody, even if it is to your own detriment, I believe that you should do it, you shouldn't say they need help and wait for someone else to pick up the slack. The people who know me personally understand that I feel this way, they say that I should value my own health as well, I'm starting to understand what they mean. I'm so close to the edge because someone I love is slipping and I have to let them live their own life. I can't sleep because I'm worried, they keep telling me to let go because I'm about to go down with the sinking ship and if there is a survivor it won't be me. 
I don't blame you, you did what was best for you. You needed her there to calm you down, you needed those things tonight to make you feel better. You are doing what you need to do, I understand that. 
That's why I have to do what is best for me.

I couldn't tell you, what she felt that day.

I am great at talking in abstract terms, I try my hardest not to be tied down by specifics. I hate the fact that my future is uncertain in terms of studying, I hate the fact that I can't trust people, I can't believe that they love me, that they even find me remotely interesting when there is a comparison to be made to who was there previously. It is like my life is ridiculing me, drawing me in only to spit out my twisted self afterwards. Most of my good memories are tainted by taunts I have received, that I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough or normal enough. There are three things in life we all crave, to be loved, to be safe and to never be alone.

Breathing in snow flakes.

I had a visitor in my head again today. She was far from silent, she leaned in to taunt me at everything I did. "You will never be good enough for him, you could never give him what I do." The jeering was incessant, it was at every turn. "You know how much more he liked being with me, I'm prettier, I'm skinnier and I'm much smarter than you." She was sweetly smiling while she watched me crumble, while she forced me to make a mistake. She forced me to turn at him. I wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't close and so I lashed out, I wanted to make him hurt. I'm not proud of it, he made choices when I wasn't in the picture and he shouldn't have to suffer through me dealing with them. There are some things that I just can't let go of.

She circled my thoughts all day, she wanted to make sure that I knew who he would always belong to. She will always have parts of him I will never have and I will always have hate in me for that reason. I can't bring myself to give him the relationship he wants and I don't know if I ever will. There are some things you just can't change and she will always be sitting there in my head, making sure that it never leaves me for too long, making sure I know what is hers.

It's clear now, I know you're going to leave me, so disappear now, I won't get in your way.

There is no point in trying to put this eloquently. You hurt me and I hurt you. Putting that in the past tense makes it feel better but it's never going to stay in the past tense is it? We are always going to be hurting from what happened, we are always going to remember a phone call or a text or a Skype conversation that broke us apart. You're right, it would be easier for me if you just cheated and we were over instead of me always worrying that's what you are doing, always being afraid when you get a text or a Facebook message that it will be someone else again and that your response will be, "We're just friends, I'm a natural flirt, it doesn't mean anything." It's getting close to the only thing I think of now. You are always going to be afraid that I will see you, get home and change my mind about what the right thing to do is, it's always going to stick with you, I can see it in your eyes every time we say goodbye, it makes me think it would be easier for you if I did just that, then we could both move on instead of staying in this state of angst. I don't know if we can be us again, there are certainly some parts I don't want back and most of our relationship is arguments, let's face it, you wouldn't be with me if you didn't like a fight. So I'm afraid that because I haven't heard from you all day, you've done something. I don't know what or why but something is wrong.

Are we too young, our heads too strong?

I found myself once again staring into the abyss. I could feel the wind, teasing me, swaying me towards the edge. I looked down into the darkness, past the shattered glass, the broken rocks and sand down to the bottom, though I could not see the ground I knew it was there, waiting, calling. There are times when the only thing that matters is the free fall, though you lose control through the middle, the jump was yours and when you once again greet the earth, it was your choice.

Nothing more than empty sheets.

There once was a girl who fell in love. She felt the butterflies, she felt safe and she felt at home. Then they got married, had a beautiful baby girl and lived happily ever after.

Now seriously, when was the last time that happened? The bit to remember about love is the falling, you expect someone to catch you, someone to soften the landing, most cases, there is not a soul to be seen. I'm a little bit too young to be a cynic and it sounds terribly condescending but you only need to feel it once, more than that borders on masochism. 

I guess every time we expect to have a different ending, a storybook ending. Life isn't a fairy tale, it isn't cleanly cut and nicely worded, it's the floor being ripped out from under you, it's being singed by the flame and the subsequent mind numbing pain. The waves of regret will claim you, they will call you their own, make you their punching bag and it is almost impossible to rise above and breathe fresh air, but when you do? I can't explain how much it means, when you feel it, you'll know. The end just isn't coming quickly this time. Loving a boy but not being able to handle them is quite probably the hardest dilemma some of us will face. Luckily enough, it looks like he is choosing for me this time, it hurts like what I would imagine an Uchiha Sharingan would provide. If only life was as simple as anime, it hurts and then you die.

When I was younger I saw my Daddy cry and curse at the wind.

Coming to terms with the mortality of your idol is hard. It hurts to imagine the person you hold so much faith in becoming tarnished by life, slowly losing their independence. Coming to terms with the fact that they can be broken, they can be overcome and they can be knocked down is like the end of being a child, growing up and realising that even the mighty will one day fall. My father is my role model, he is everything that I want to be, he is the greatest man I have and will ever know. When girls say they are best friends with a parent it is usually their mother. My mother and I are very close but we have different personalities. My father and I are quite similar, I tell him everything, he almost always returns that trust but lately he's been quieter than normal which means near silence. Though we don't often have outright conversations with lavish linguistics, we tend to know what the other is thinking. I don't know whether the change is because I am getting older or whether things are worse than I imagined. I guess I'm just very worried about the stable person in my life and I want all these tests to come back with good results. I'm still my Daddy's little girl and I don't want anything bad to happen.