I had a visitor in my head again today. She was far from silent, she leaned in to taunt me at everything I did. "You will never be good enough for him, you could never give him what I do." The jeering was incessant, it was at every turn. "You know how much more he liked being with me, I'm prettier, I'm skinnier and I'm much smarter than you." She was sweetly smiling while she watched me crumble, while she forced me to make a mistake. She forced me to turn at him. I wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't close and so I lashed out, I wanted to make him hurt. I'm not proud of it, he made choices when I wasn't in the picture and he shouldn't have to suffer through me dealing with them. There are some things that I just can't let go of.
She circled my thoughts all day, she wanted to make sure that I knew who he would always belong to. She will always have parts of him I will never have and I will always have hate in me for that reason. I can't bring myself to give him the relationship he wants and I don't know if I ever will. There are some things you just can't change and she will always be sitting there in my head, making sure that it never leaves me for too long, making sure I know what is hers.
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