Nothing more than empty sheets.

There once was a girl who fell in love. She felt the butterflies, she felt safe and she felt at home. Then they got married, had a beautiful baby girl and lived happily ever after.

Now seriously, when was the last time that happened? The bit to remember about love is the falling, you expect someone to catch you, someone to soften the landing, most cases, there is not a soul to be seen. I'm a little bit too young to be a cynic and it sounds terribly condescending but you only need to feel it once, more than that borders on masochism. 

I guess every time we expect to have a different ending, a storybook ending. Life isn't a fairy tale, it isn't cleanly cut and nicely worded, it's the floor being ripped out from under you, it's being singed by the flame and the subsequent mind numbing pain. The waves of regret will claim you, they will call you their own, make you their punching bag and it is almost impossible to rise above and breathe fresh air, but when you do? I can't explain how much it means, when you feel it, you'll know. The end just isn't coming quickly this time. Loving a boy but not being able to handle them is quite probably the hardest dilemma some of us will face. Luckily enough, it looks like he is choosing for me this time, it hurts like what I would imagine an Uchiha Sharingan would provide. If only life was as simple as anime, it hurts and then you die.

When I was younger I saw my Daddy cry and curse at the wind.

Coming to terms with the mortality of your idol is hard. It hurts to imagine the person you hold so much faith in becoming tarnished by life, slowly losing their independence. Coming to terms with the fact that they can be broken, they can be overcome and they can be knocked down is like the end of being a child, growing up and realising that even the mighty will one day fall. My father is my role model, he is everything that I want to be, he is the greatest man I have and will ever know. When girls say they are best friends with a parent it is usually their mother. My mother and I are very close but we have different personalities. My father and I are quite similar, I tell him everything, he almost always returns that trust but lately he's been quieter than normal which means near silence. Though we don't often have outright conversations with lavish linguistics, we tend to know what the other is thinking. I don't know whether the change is because I am getting older or whether things are worse than I imagined. I guess I'm just very worried about the stable person in my life and I want all these tests to come back with good results. I'm still my Daddy's little girl and I don't want anything bad to happen.

Let's face it, this was never what you wanted.

I've been in a lot of pain recently, so today, being forced by my family, I went and got some help. Help sucks, it hurts like hell, why would anyone want to get help if all consists of is more pain? I taught myself the deal with most physical pains, it makes you a stronger person, mental pain is much worse in my opinion, more destructive and corrosive than any broken bone. I've been so exhausted recently, I guess I'm always tired but I need so much more energy than I have. I love my job, I love my friends and I love playing music. I don't want to have to choose but I know which one goes if push comes to shove.

Down where the city meets the sea.

How long does it take for a heart to break? In my experience, its about a tenth of a second. The amount of time it takes to rebuild? It can take a lifetime. You hear about the women who lost their newly wedded husbands in the war, the ones who never moved house, never changed their rooms and never found another person to go through life with, they never truly heal. 

I don't know whether morals are different in these days or whether we are simply more connected to the world around us, whether we are able to contact others with similar experiences and be able to move on together or we just don't understand the partnership or immense feelings of love. 

I believe it is a bit of both, that we are able to connect and progress with another and that we don't see love as a once in a lifetime thing like they did back then, we imagine it as a kind of let's see how far we can take this sort of thing. I don't know which one is proper because time has moved on, what I hope is that even though we live in a different era the intensity, the meaning, is still the same.

Is this the way our story ends?

In the past month I've been making changes. I have been swimming more than I have in the past three years combined, spent more time listening to my angst-ridden teenage music and ultimately been happier. Unfortunately with more changes there comes more anxiety, the nervous wreck has returned but luckily I have a new gaming buddy so it isn't as bad as it could be. The good thing about getting so wound up is that I can devote all my time to shooting aliens that are clearly aliens, not hidden as friends like out in the real world. Why the world makes it so hard to pick foe from friend boggles me but I guess every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. I hope that soon the dark cloud goes away, if it doesn't then maybe I will take a step back but if I want to be me again, this is what I need to do. Because someone forgot an important day, I guess that means I'm free, that was all I needed to know.

 

All you wanted to do was dance.

I hate it when I hear about the two of them are the perfect couple and that they are happy. It's great for them, I know what it's like to find the right person. I don't know how to say this but hearing that she is like me, but a better version to suit him, I don't know how I feel about that, whether I'm happy or really hurt. I guess it's a bit of both. At least I have finally come to admit that I don't need him, despite what my mind is telling me, I think it helps when you find the one you've wanted to be with since you were a kid. There is no way that it would work but I think sometimes all you need to do is remember a person who also used to give you the butterflies, just without the feeling of being completely massacred in your heart by the end. Making a commitment to no more musicians is called for I believe because I can't give up on the redhead part.

Like a heart beat drives you mad.

My mind likes to play these lovely little tricks on me. It likes to give me flashbacks of times I would give anything to forget. I'm not as strong as I like to believe, I crumble when faced with the silliest things. I guess feelings never really go away, no matter how deeply in your psyche you try to bury them. The worst part is knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. There are things you simply cannot erase, things that will stay with you forever. Changing the way you look, the way you act, the way you speak, does nothing to wipe the slate clean, its just reminds you of who you were, who you should be. I once believed that you could wake up one morning and feel better, just like that. Luckily some people broke my ideals of innocence.