The Journey

This is no thrilling story about how I overcame boundaries. Thus so far there are no happy endings.  In the words of Carl Gustav Jung, even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness.

I tried my hardest not to let it get in my way, but somehow it always does. Normal relationships are hard to achieve, it takes months and months of awkwardness, aggression sometimes only on my part, and inexplicable amounts of trust for me to be near anyone for a long period of time. It’s easier to just be a bitch and move on, to not become attached. I try to not let it get to me, I really do, but I can’t just let it go.

I saw him about two months ago, I saw the back of him, but I could tell who it was, and I can tell you I would never want to see his actual face again. I will not see his face again. I had spent a year of saying if I saw him again I would make him hurt, just like he hurt me, but I was petrified. I had spent a week surrounded by strangers, completely fine, people pushing up against me and I just took it, but after seeing him, I could see a single person and the only solace I had, was my dog.

I cant explain what he did. It would mean nothing to anybody else. But to me, it ruined everything. I didn’t understand attraction, to be honest I still don’t. My first experience with a boy was negative, and so far it hasn’t changed since. I’m afraid I guess that someone will do the same thing again. I say I would never let another boy hurt me, but they will and I need to do something about it.

I met a new boy, he wasn’t charming, he wasn’t handsome in the conventional sense, he wasn’t what I expected, but he made me want to change. He made me want to trust people again, to want to have someone hug me, to make me stop jumping when someone stands behind me. I trusted him and it didn’t work out. It hurt, but I was okay.

I’m not going to be one of those people who stand up and bravely proclaim that I am no longer afraid. I will always be afraid, I will always be searching for a reason behind it and I will always be haunted. But it will not control me. I will fight for myself. He has my fear but not my fate.