It's time

So I'm thinking it's been long enough for me to put this blog back online. It's nearly been a year and so much has changed in that time, I'm studying what I love, I'm healthier, I have a boy who I love to pieces and I'm making progress. I regret having to put this blog on private anyway, this is MY outlet, I shouldn't have to put what I love on hold because of someone else. 
So my writing isn't going splendidly. I haven't had a reason to write but I've been thinking that maybe going back online would give me some inspiration again.

The last something that meant anything.

They shouldn't have to give you a reason to stay, you should know. I don't feel like he would fight to keep me and he shouldn't have to fight to keep me. I should want to stay, most definitely with no doubts in my mind. It's not that I want to leave. It's that I don't feel the need to stay. My life carries on like normal when I don't see him. I don't miss talking to him throughout the day, I don't miss anything really. It's comfortable. Comfortable shouldn't be a bad thing. I need to push for something, whether it's uni or whether it's music or whether it is him, I need something.

Is no longer there

How could I have been so absolutely stupid? How could I have been so idiotic to not know what was going on? When he got so worried when I mentioned her name, when he froze every time I told him that I got a drunk phone call. I'm just so ANGRY with myself and it makes me wonder, what if it happened with MSAS? Would I know? Would I have an inkling of an idea? I like to think that I would but I can't be sure. At least I can be sure of one thing, MSAS would NEVER do that to me, he cares about me, the last one NEVER did.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Life is undoubtedly magical, whether brilliantly so or not, it moves so swiftly through stages. Sometimes in the morning, you wake up completely blank, mournfully so. It feels like whatever you do doesn't make a difference, by tomorrow all signs of you will be erased. It feels like no one will ever know how much you meant to someone, how much they meant to you. These blank stages of your life are spell binding in the way you can go through the most emotive situations and wake up the next morning with no second thought to it. A stage like this can be a blessing, it can also mean the best part of your life passes you by.

Some days it takes every breath, every heart beat just to keep yourself from weeping. There is an uncontrollable amount of sadness that completely confounds you. I find these moments, these inexplicable sorrows, are a way to let go. These moments are when you stop fighting, you let the tide take you whole. The sea of memories are comfortable for a while, they lap at your mind, almost pleadingly until they engulf you fully.

Once the sea has you, there is no turning back. Your lungs fill with the wispy tendrils of moments already lived, already lost. You feel the weight of your body disintegrating, all the parts of you that once mattered, you relinquish your ownership of them and they drift away to join the sea. Slowly you aren't even a being anymore, you're just a drop in the sea.

There are dreams that cannot be.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be in love and yet forget the past. I want to show my sun and stars that this is what I want, I just need some help and direction. I'm so afraid of making a mistake and disappointing him. He already thinks I don't trust him. I tried to explain that it's not about him, it's just how I've been for a long time and the last time I let my guard down, things were broken that are still healing.
I don't know how to please him, I don't know how to make him understand. I had hoped that it would be simple, clearly a naive assumption but yet, I really believed it was true. This relationship is not alike anything else I've been a part of. I know this boy is loyal, he cares, he knows what he's doing and he has morals. I don't know how to deal with such qualities in a boyfriend. I need to stop comparisons. My sun and stars is one of a kind. I need to believe in that if nothing else.

I'm going under

Some people invoke so much anger without even lifting a finger. It's the little things in life that make me begin to wonder why I'm here, like seeing a face in a crowd or a car on the freeway, a school emblem or a leavers jacket. All these things can change my mood for the day, tiny insignificant things have control over my life. Since when did we become so consumed with these things, when did they ever matter? There are so many good things in life, so many good things that happen everyday, like knowing that you are loved, that you are cared for, that you are otherwise doing well apart from those day which make you question all your decisions in the past year. Today is one of those days but I'm trying not to let it take control, you know I am trying

Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home.

Maybe I should just stop. I'm not strong enough for this. I can't get these marks and just move on, they stay planted in my head, unmoving, demolishing any past successes. I have no doubt some people would be pleased enough to read this, but no one ever will. I knew this wouldn't be easy and I expected that I would give up, I didn't think I would make it this far to be honest, I expected that I would let the earth swallow me whole after the first assessment. I understand what they are asking, I understand what I need to do, I know which formulas to apply and I make sure I understand it all and yet as soon as that clock starts ticking, I frantically try and throw everything at a question which I know the simple answer to.
It would be so much easier to just go back to a dead end job, go back into the shadows like they would appreciate but I wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment in my father's eyes and I would probably ruin that too.
What if I can't move past this? What if this is all I ever amount to? There isn't a job for me even if I do finish this degree. Realistically, I'm never going to make it in to the vet course, let alone finish it. Why am I so inept? In the morning when I wake up I will either feel better or worse and both things scare me.