I'll be better when I'm older.

Love is definitely the most complicated of emotions. It takes you by surprise, knocks the wind out of you and absolutely decimates your concentration for anything else. Being in it is completely overwhelming.
I remember a time where none of it mattered, when all I wanted to do was watch football and not even think of things like that. I would sit down with my iPod and delete all the love songs because it just wasn't relevant. I hated being around boys, knowing what they were thinking was a mine field. Eventually they got the message. Then I had years of just being by myself and I liked that much more, then a few failed attempts at relationships, then he came along.
I'm just going to come out and say it. I hated him at first. I really did and I think that's why it is such a big change. Two ends of the emotional spectrum squished into one. But when it's just me and him, everything dissapates until there is just one thing left, I'm not sure what it is quite yet but I'm pretty sure I know where it's going and I am so happy that I found him.

Even the best fall down sometimes.

A couple of days ago I had a relapse. I got to a state that I can happily say that I haven't experienced in two years. Comprehending what got me to that point is hard, a few bad decisions and it was like the last two years was a dream that was so far away I would never make it back there. Unless you have experienced something like this it seems ridiculous that you can let yourself be so absorbed by the darkness, so distraught that the shadows are all you see, but for some of us it's always there. I was lucky that this was just a little slip, that I didn't make any mistakes that I would regret but I know that every chance that I have to change something, every shot that I get to finish something that I started is why I try so hard to push the shadows back. There are reasons for why we are here, whether they be because we were meant to change something or whether we were meant to create something much bigger than us, the reasons are always larger than our problems. I know it's easier to give up and I know that it's simpler to slip away but we belong here. We belong with the people who love us so we can return the favour, maybe one day they will understand what they have done for us but even if they don't, it doesn't diminish the fact that what they did, caring for us when we were so far into the dark that we couldn't even sense someone was there, was heroic and kept us clinging on to what ever we could so that maybe one day we could stand up and the blackness would only be a colour, not a place. This is my thank you.

I'm going to drive until I break down.

So breaking point seems to be a favourite place of mine. I seem to need a frequent flyers card. These things are supposed to make you stronger and in some ways they have, yes I have gone through points and been a shell of a person, but a couple of months later I am usually back on track.
I certainly didn't realise what I had come to until the most trusted and respected person in my life said they expected more from me. Somethings we can't see until it has been pointed out to us, like the fact that my writing sucks if I don't listen to music or that our face isn't really that great with that shade of hair. This was one of those things and if everyone thinks that I am the bad guy, I can take it because I probably was. The thing to remember is, how badly did you hurt someone else? Do you see yourself as that person all the time? No, so don't treat me like I am that person all of the time because I can assure you, I am nothing like I was six months ago let alone a year ago.

Time to Be Your 21.

You were willing to be there for me when I felt like this, I didn't want to admit that I needed anyone. I miss you now. I thought I would be okay. This is me being needy, don't expect me to stay in this space but I am right now. I had everything planned, keep myself busy so I dont think about you, remember who I was without you. But now its gotten to the stage of Grey's Anatomy, cutting my hair and writing. I hope you're happy.

Let me fall.

I backed myself into a corner. I made sure no one could hurt me, but they didn't need to. Anything that they could ever do to me I had already done to myself. Staring at this screen I try to understand what I did wrong. How did I get to this point? Which idiotic moves landed me here? Which decisions made me like this, at this point again? I know I made this bed. I know this was all my fault. I am sorry that I did this and for once I am willing to say I regret it.

Story of a girl.

I don't need you to save me. I am perfectly capable of doing that myself. If you want to be with me along the ride, that's fine, but I do things for myself and I will not lie at your feet expecting you to fix everything.
I've been through a lot in the past couple of years, some of them not at all pleasant, but I made it through them without you before and I will do it again. The fairytale stories about how Prince Charming saves the day are overrated and completely unreasonable. I once believed that one day someone would appear and take me away from the mess I was in, completely illogical but that was what I felt. Discovery of self is much more important that having someone to rely on.
I am not one to admit vulnerability, I have no desire to let anyone know I need them, I don't want myself to become so reliant on a boy that I don't know who I am anymore. This comes off as if I am swearing off men forever, definitely not what I intend to do, but if you think that you can control me because I love you, you have another thing coming. I was my own person today and I will be tomorrow no matter what happens between now and then. That is something that no-one can take away from me.

I only need to know where I am to know where I am going.

Hi All.

So it's been a while since I posted and admittedly, some of the posts have not been up to scratch. Life's been pretty hectic lately and emotions are rampant, but I am going to put my personal problems aside and try to make some better posts. So bare with me for a little while longer, I feel some serious writing coming along, there has been a change in the force :) haha thanks for all the support.
Love from
ReturnLoveToSender.