I won't cry if you can't love me like the way it used to feel.

Sometimes I have sad days, days where I remember the people I have loved and later lost. These days need to be accepted and sometimes it's good to stay in this space, this place that only I remember. Life sometimes throws us these moments, these glimpses of a future that could of been our own and I think it's okay to stay in that moment for a while. Girls have these ideas of epic love stories where they get swept off of their feet into something wonderful. What they don't imagine is that the flame will dwindle and slowly turn to just an ember. When the wind passes through and the night is dark, sometimes the embers will ignite again and slowly gather enough oxygen to burst back into the fire it once was, roaring and consuming. 
The fire has slowly come back to me and now I can't leave it but what do you do when the person with the matches has left and started a new fire?

I'll never leave again, you are the only one.

Tonight I really missed him. It wasn't the normal ache that follows me like a shadow, it was in the forefront of my mind once again. I don't blame him for his decision. He was the best guy I have ever met, even to this day. The new girl is so lucky to have him by her side, she will feel like she can do anything, be anything because a boy who will give her everything he has is right there. I'm sorry I couldn't give him everything he wanted, I wish I could and if I could go back, I would. It seems in silences and in swells that nagging won't abate. It reminds me incessantly that I messed up. In the morning when I wake up and at night when I lie in bed, restless and heart shuddering, I think of him, of us. I'll always be waiting, always keep trying to make myself good enough. Maybe one day I'll make it, maybe one day all of these moments will mean something to someone other than me.

I'm not gonna make you feel love if you don't

I thought there was a reason, for the memories in my head
I thought that perhaps in time, they would be slowly put to bed
It seems there's no change to be had, no new story to be told
I'll continue the way I had planned, though with no one here to hold
It is rather strange to consider, how much these things have changed
How simple things turn sour, and hearts be re-arranged

Had I not been so controlling or not been so unsure
I wouldn't be feeling this sadness, deep inside my core
I'd hoped that you would long for me, miss me like I do you
But it seems that I have made my bed, I'll have to lie in it too.
 

Incoherently typing words on a page.

The hardest thing is not being able to talk about it. It's not mine to tell you see. I can't explain to people why I am tired, why I've been up at strange hours and in stressful situations, why my mind is otherwise occupied most of the time. It's devastating to feel helpless, to not be able to lay it all out on the table when I am most commonly an open book. 
To compensate for the lack of sleeping, there is coffee. It keeps my mind running, which is rather necessary for quick response time but it makes it so my body doesn't receive any respite. When I finally do get time to sleep, the pulses in my head keep going, conveyor belts run so rapidly along that I can't seem to catch the stop button. 
There is so much I have to do, exams, assignments, test and yet what's really more important? Those or something much less trivial? Worse still, how can I do all of these things and function semi normally without proper food? Consistent meals times are impossible and there's no one to help me, I am the helper to everyone else. I feel responsible for things that are illogical and I'm running myself ragged trying to keep up. When will the disorientation stop and sanity begin?
It will begin when someone else is ready to tell their own story, hopefully it won't be too much longer. Even if it is to continue as it currently is, I have a pretty good success rate of surviving the waves.

I know you'll be a star in someone else's sky.

Staying friends with an ex is really hard. Scratch that. It is nigh on impossible to remain friends with an ex. Especially when there are still feelings, at least on one end.

People move on at different rates. For some, it takes a few weeks, some a lifetime. Is there a mandatory waiting period? An acceptable recovery time? How do you know when its okay to start looking? And what if you don't go looking, what if someone finds you?

There are some feelings to expect when going through this process. There's a feeling in particular that I can shed some light on. A way to describe it is having a vortex located in your chest. It feels like you're inhaling water instead of air. When you see the smile of the person you love and you know, you know deep down inside that someone else causes that smile now. Someone else calls them their partner. Someone else calls them home.

I've never lied about the fact that I still love him. Whenever I am asked, I say that it's still there. I love him for showing me all the things that he has. He showed me what it felt like to trust the person you're with, what it felt like to be protected. He showed me what real love was and now he's showing someone else.

We make choices that we regret, that we wish we could take back, but life doesn't work like that. We can't go back and re-record like we used to on old video tapes. I know that we made what was probably the right choice but just because something is right, doesn't mean it's easy.

Things are gonna get easier

Love. It's a word that can bring out many different feelings. Hurt, happiness, harmony, all possible. When someone says that word, a person pops into your head or sometimes many do. The thing that separates them is that it is never exactly the same as it was with one person, good or bad. 
I've been lucky enough to experience both sides of the spectrum. I was distrustful after my first mistake, I was angry and hurt and I didn't believe it would ever be anything other than that. There was a serious connection there, one that I still think about but it was so destructive that nothing could survive there. 
The next boy was not a mistake at all. He was most probably the best guy I have ever met in my life. He made me happy and I made him happy, at least initially. We both agreed, it was the best year of our lives. Unfortunately, my own doubt crept in once again and things ended. I can't say that it doesn't hurt still, but I can say that I am so grateful that he helped me heal.
So my decision making skills around relationships are still pretty rocky. I still get into situations I would rather not be in, I still trust my gut where I shouldn't but it's a learning curve. I'm happy enough being alone and just meeting people to have fun with. It's working out pretty well for now.
So now that the blog is back online, hopefully I can do some more writing now that things have settled down, sorry I was gone for so long.
Let's see how this goes.

The Right Time

I used to hate being right. It meant that something bad was going to happen. It meant that the boy that I loved had done something that I expected but that made us fall apart. It used to mean that I would be covered in torment and disappointment. I hated it, I hated what I had become and the fact that I thought I needed to be like that for someone to love me. I stayed because I thought no one else would ever love me. Now that I'm older I see that what he felt for me was not love. It was a misguided attempt of feeling. I thought, maybe if we break up again, he would see that what he was doing hurt me and that he SHOULDN'T be doing that. Instead, it just meant he got better at hiding things from me.
Life's different now. This boy is my world. Never once have I felt the way that I did a year ago. I have never felt like I meant nothing to him, that I was disposable. I have never felt so loved by another person. I have never felt so lucky to have found someone. He's the first person I think of when I wake up and the last one I think of before I fall asleep. I wear his ring and I feel like he's with me everywhere I go. It makes me feel safe and reminds me that even on my worst days, there is something wonderful in my life. I had a bit of a breakdown last week, inconsolable crying and shutting myself away, I called him and he made me laugh. Not only this, he stayed on the phone with me until I was better, even though he had other things to do. I love him more than words can explain and even though he deserves better, I'm glad he chose me.

Now, I love being right. I was right when we met and I thought this could be the guy I could see myself staying with.